i did it yet again..i rented an Indian film. I am drawn to them like some sort of moth to the flame. This one was particularly bizarre. It is called Asoka and from what i gathered it is based on actual people and events though great creative license was taken in its construction. Which is all fine with me because i do not know this emporer or his history so i do not sit there and say…INACCURATE!

It starts out in your typical cheese quality film and less than great set design etc. But i can overlook that..I mean, I have liked some films in my time that started out really cheesy, so I continued.

In short..the show is about a boy, a stepson to an emporer and he has many brothers…stepbrothers. Your typical battle for “heir to the throne” gets underway. This guy, Asoka is brave and handsome and sort of sexy in a bizarre way. That is off point…he becomes a great general..leading the armies against enemies etc…gains the favor of the people etc cuz he has the power…this is all going ok. UNTIL..

He typically is forced out in an act of sacrifice he goes off to make his mother happy…giving up his claim to he throne etc. That is not the worst part…it happens sometime later as he is now a traveler and goes from town to town trying to be witty and charming etc..never fitting in, because…you know..he is a PRINCE! One day he is doing something walking about and he sees this girl doing some freakin half ass “kata” martial arts deal..but she sux cuz well she is obviously not michelle yeoh. Then BOOM…it is a MUSICAL NUMBER!

Holy shit! I was like…what in the name of all that is sacred is this dance sequence doing in this movie??? Oh the girl is lovely and I am betting she is like India’s version of Brittany Spears or maybe even their Madonna…but she is singing this horrendously annoying song with lines like “he he he he heee…ho ho ho ho ho” and making little finger wiggles around her face..like a bad Prince video.

This is no ordinary number, mind you…it goes on for like 6 minutes! Thank god for the advance button on my dvd remote. Finally it is over after she has a nice vocal interlude under a waterfall in a skimpy sarong thingie. She sort of reminds me of that girl that was in The Golden Child with eddie murphy years ago..but she is decided Indian prettier i think.

Having survived the vocal stylings of our Princess Kaurwaki or something like that… you find out of course she is a princess traveling secretly to the royal city with her little brother the “King” cuz their parents were brutally murdered etc.

The rest may be history based but it was pure Opera. They fall in love..they marry secretly cuz she doesnt realize he is a prince. He took the name of his horse so as to stay “incognito” They marry, he gets royal message his mom is sick needs him back in the city…he goes…gets asked to be a general again…goes back to tell wifey he is leaving for war…but finds out she has been murdered which we know is not true..but he goes back…marries a nice budhist monks daughter or something..very pretty and takes his place in the royal family.

Wife gets knocked up..brother gets angry tries to have her killed…Asoka’s mom gets it instead and you guessed it..he turns into a blood thirsty barbarian bent on world domination. By this point we have had two more Musical Interludes and I am asking myself why i cannot simply turn it off. It was like i was paralized.

Finally the big battle..he goes to war with who??? Yes yes..you guessed it…Princess Kaka’s Kindom…Klingon or something like that. He of course doesnt realize she lives until he sees his horse..which he had given to her..and starts searching for her body. finds her alive and they have this emotional scene worthy of any sappy soap opera and collapse hugging all is going to be okay..even though he just slaughtered all her people. The brother, King Arya or something like that..comes and sees Asoka..talking etc..then collapses with arrows in his back…Asoka flips out…

Tosses his sword over a cliff…becomes a devout budhist and spreads the teachings of peace etc. that part i think is true.

I think there were a total of 5 musical numbers in this movie. It was really…really…..BAD. But i watched every minute of the damn thing.

The good thing about this evening movie watching. I got to see a flick called “greenfingers” with clive owen who i think is about as sexy as they come. It was very funny, very entertaining english flick with helen mirren and a few other well known brit actors. you should rent it.