Femme Products Vol. II

By jen

The most insane section of the consumer market is the feminine product market. Case in point: On television a fabulously slick commercial with a spiffy hip looking chick or two comes on. Nice colors and glizty fashion then BOOM! Tampax Pearl!.

According to the official Tampax website, “Tampax Pearl has a smooth plastic applicator (As opposed to that pesky sandpaper finish on other plastic applicators?) with five-petal closure for more comfortable insertion*. For those of you without a phd in Crammer Science, that means it has this silly ass little dome on the tip instead of just the exposed cotton. It sort of looks like the cone on one of those nuclear bombs in some old James Bond movie. One that is pushed aside elaborately when the missle is about to launch.

Also, a contoured grip to make the applicator easier to hold. I personally am waiting for the day with there is a freakin’ trigger to jettison the cotton missle up the old tunnel.

The Pearl tampon expands width-wise to fit your unique form, ( I am not even gonna comment on that bit of brilliance) and there’s an absorbent braid between the tampon and the string for better leakage protection*.

The wrapper is discreet and durable, (is it packaged like a bag of m&ms or what? A tampon always looks like a tampon) with easy-to-open-tabs. ( No more pesky knocking on the neighbors stall in the restroom and saying, can you open this for me?)

A while back Tampax had this stupid ad campaign. A series of historical commercials. Milestones in American history etc. For example, Woodstock. The music is playing, the commercial is very slick. Looks like a commercial advertising a special or program talking about Woodstock. At the end the text starts rolling and the last line is, “tampax was there.” I would like to kick their ad man in the ass for that one.

Then there was the “demonstration” commercials. We are to marvel at the absorbent power of these kotex as they soak up a half cup of blue water. I will not get into specifics here..but blue water is not exactly the best fluid to be using as a test. Every time i see those commercials i think, “gee, that would be great if i pissed in my panties”

Let’s move on to the actual products. Peri-pads or Kotex if you are not familiar with the former term, come in a veritable 31 Flavors It is like Baskin & Robbins in the femme products aisle.

There are mini, maxi, super maxi, short, long, super duper I am hemorrhaging to death maxi, and that is not the end of it. All of these come in either thick or thin, curved or flat, with wings or without. Some even are thin, curved, AND have wings!

Tampons, crotch rockets or “crammers” as they are called in my house, are nearly as diverse. Although there are really only 3 brands of tampon, there are about 20 varieties of absorbencies and what not. Light, regular, super, superplus, and my personal favorite, teen style.

What the hell is teen style? Some brilliant ad executive decided that the teenage vagina needed special marketing attention.

Beyond absorbencies, now there are special applicators. Plastic, cardboard, petal soft! The sheer variety of choices is simply absurd.

I am still perplexed, however by the OB product. The crammer withOUT the applicator. shrug That one is special though, because the commercial says it was designed by FEMALE ObGyns. I suppose we are to believe that none of the other companies consulted a single female doctor about the specifications of their product. The fact they work is sheer dumb luck!

Recently I witnessed two of the most ABSURD new offerings. First, the “thongworthy” pad. Dear God, there cannot be a market for this. Something tells me thongs and adhesive pads do not mix. What if it got twisted? What do you think it will stick to? We are talking about a free Brazilian Wax here, folks.

Second, the “quiet” wrapper. Who in the Sam hell cares about this? I mean really. Did they spend money researching this? There is world hunger and we are depleting the earths fossil fuels and THIS is what kind of R&D is going on in corporate America?

Honey, if you are the person who is concerned about the volume level of your crammer wrappers you have issues that a simple silent wrapper will not solve.

Do people really sit in public bathroom stalls and stress over the sound of a kotex or tampon wrapper? Do they really think the person next to them is thinking “OH GOD SHE IS ON HER PERIOD!” The concept of that is disturbing to me.

If they want to make a worthwhile advance in tampons then make one that you can put in your pocket and it not break or become unusable when you sit down. Bendable applicator…now that is an idea! Not some damn space age ballistic missile design. Not some silent wrapper or color coordination to match my purse. Utility, people…practicality.

On a final note, I am always amazed when I go to the grocery store and reach this area. There are so many different products now, that by the time you toss in all the goodies from the blossoming “yeast infection treatment” industry there is an entire “vagina” aisle in every supermarket in America!