Five Stages of Patriots Grief…

By jen

Gallo over on ESPN wrote “The Five Stages of Patriots Grief” and I am still laughing over it. Thanks to Unabrewer for the linkie. Read a few excerpts…

Stage 1: Denial and isolation

No! No! No! No! Noooooooooooo! No! No! No! No! No! Noooooooooooo! This did not happen.

There is no way Eli Manning—Eli Manning!—stopped us in the Super Bowl from going 19-0. Eli Manning did not just beat Tom Brady. Tom Brady did not get knocked out of the playoffs in back-to-back years by the Manning brothers. I refuse to believe it. Such a world does not exist.

Stage 2: Anger

You [Bill Belichick] just got outcoached by Tom Coughlin. Badly. By Tom Coughlin! Half of the man’s brain is still frozen from the Green Bay game, yet he made you look like Rich Kotite.
And Tom Brady … really? You needed a haircut from your stylist the night before the game?!

Maybe you should have spent more time watching film, you dainty little girl. And didn’t you learn anything from Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson?

Stage 3: Bargaining

I can’t even believe I’m saying this, but do you want me to admit that Tom Brady is overrated? I will. I’ll say it. I’ll say it if you’ll let the Patriots play the game over. Do you see how far you’re making me go? How much I want this? He’s been folding under pressure in big games for three years in a row. He’s like a Manning, but with a better jaw line and two fewer Super Bowls since 2004.
Stage 4: Depression

Life is not worth living.

Now I have nothing. They’ll get over it. They’re rich. They have hot wives and girlfriends. But I have nothing. Just this tattoo on my head and a crappy, second-shift job at Dunkin’ Donuts.

There’s not hope for the future, either.

Tom Brady is balding. He’s past his prime… His ankle is hurt. His shoulder is all messed up. Who knows what else is being hidden in the injury report. Gout? Scabies? Mumps? Measles? Rubella? Gisele will see the writing on the wall soon enough. She’ll dump him. Then he’ll start dating Jessica Simpson. And then it will get worse from there. Three years from now, he’ll have a 65 quarterback rating and four kids with Britney Spears. We should just use our first-round pick this year to draft a quarterback and get it over with. Goodbye, Tom.

Stage 5: Acceptance

OK. So we lost. It happened. We were 18-0 and lost in the Super Bowl to Eli friggin’ Manning and the New York Giants. It still sounds insane to say that out loud, but facts are facts.

Truth is, I’m fine with it. That’s three years in a row the Patriots haven’t won a Super Bowl. What kind of dynasty is that? If they’re not going to represent Boston the right way and win championships, they can get lost. I’ll go back to pretending they don’t exist like I did before January 2002.