The first question I have for the folks who hire out the actually parenting part of parenting is, “Why the fuck didn’t you just get a dog? Why bring a child into this world you had no intention of adjusting your life to raise?”

Shit like this article illustrate perfectly what is wrong with the world today. You and I will get to experience the product of a generation of kids who learn from their parents to just hire out the difficult yet extraordinary things life has to offer for the sake of convenience.

A Coach at the Crib And a Consultant at the Potty

Maria Zimmitti didn’t set out to become, in her words, the potty lady.

Now eager parents line up to pay her $250 for a consultation, with topics like quelling a toilet rebellion and pointers on how to avoid one.

“Sometimes a parent will say, ‘How about I pay you $5,000 and you potty train for me?’ ” Zimmitti said. “They’re halfway joking.”

Zimmitti is part of a niche service sector that has appeal among busy, anxious and often well-heeled parents in the region who want help with some of the most important and intimate child-rearing duties.

For them, paying a personal shopper $30 to spend an afternoon tracking down a coveted tutu for a 2-year-old is money well spent. For other parents, the baby-services sector is a lifeline that can rescue them from sleepless nights or protect their children from getting hurt at home.

I am all for seeking help on how to do things yourself. I have a few books I acquired when I was a new mother and things seemed a bit daunting. I relied on my mother for a great deal of advise and she willingly gave it. There is however a point where you stop parenting and start outsourcing the rearing of your children. For example: If you are having trouble breastfeeding then a lactation consultant can save you much heartache and stress. That said, hiring a wet nurse is a bit freakin’ much.

I will not lie to you, there is much a governess or live in housekeeper would do to make my life easier but that would be mostly about keeping my house clean and picking up the kids from school because my job gets me home about one hour too late to get them myself. Trust me, that is on my wish list.

I made the choice when I had my second daughter that I needed to stay home full time. It had been nearly ten years since I have given birth to my first daughter and I had finally found a career that was going to pay me some money. Still, the thought of handing my infant over to a minimum wage employee I wouldn’t trust to drive my car was more than I could rationalize, so I dropped out of the workforce for nearly 8 years. I heard many things from people ranging from good for you, kids need their mom at home whenever possible to are you fucking nuts! Do you know how much money you would be making right now if you had not taken off 8 years?

Trust me, I know EXACTLY how much money I would be making now, but I also know how much I would have missed…

The prices for baby-specific services run the gamut: $85 for an hour with a lactation consultant, several hundred more for childproofing gear and someone to install it, $4,000 for five nights with a sleep trainer—all before a baby is out of diapers. In all, the government estimates, middle-income households spend an average of $10,600 for a child’s first year.

Diana Ostergard of Ashburn spent several thousand dollars on a coach to help teach her 8-month-old son who had severe acid reflux to sleep more than two hours at a time. “It was worth every dollar,” she said. “I would pay double.”

I totally get the first two expenses. Hiring someone to install childproof stuff is just a really great way to save yourself a task you might not even do properly. $4,000 for five nights with a sleep trainer?? Wtf is that? Someone who teaches your infant to self soothe? I fucking hate that entire school of thought, especially with really young babies. The whole, Let them cry themselves to sleep is a goddamn exercise in torture. If a baby, especially a newborn or small infant is crying then get your ass out of bed and pick them up! Argh, that whole thing pisses me off. Self soothing, how about I kick you in the fucking shins and tell you to self sooth yourself and suck it up.

I had a colic riddled child, my first one and it was horrible, but the one thing that always worked for her was to put her on my chest all warm and toasty and pat her back… for hours. I learned to sleep in a recliner pretty quickly. She outgrew it when we adjusted her diet and while it was stressful, we got through it without hiring another person to come in and do it for me.

A question, how do you train an 8 month old to sleep through reflux? How does that even work? It is a medical condition, a terrible one, so I reserve judgment on that one.

“People are more structurally isolated. We don’t have grandparents or aunts or sisters to turn to,” said the Columbia University historian Steven Mintz, author of “Huck’s Raft: A History of American Childhood.” “We are also busier. Our work hours have gotten longer. If you don’t have a lot of time, that induces guilt. We all want to give our kids the same upbringing we had or better but don’t feel like we have the time.”

Here is a novel thought, freakin’ stay home like your moms probably did. Oh wait, that tends to shift the focus in life from YOU to your kids, forget about it.

The pressures of work and time—and the need for their own sleep, to function at work—weighed heavily on Alex Perdikis, an auto sales executive, and his wife, Dresden Koons, an administrator and teacher at a local private school. Soon after the Potomac couple brought their second child home from the hospital nine months ago, they called Suzy Giordano, a sleep consultant in Carrollton, Va. Giordano’s assignment: get their infant daughter on a regular feeding and sleeping schedule.

Giordano and her sleep trainers were a regular presence in the Perdikis-Koons home for eight weeks. The bill was at least several thousand dollars.

“It’s a big investment, but it was well worth it,” Perdikis said. “When you’ve got a 2-year-old and newborn and we’re both full-time working parents, getting your sleep is important.”

Eight weeks! You are both obviously working people so these babies are in daycare already so how much damn feeding scheduling do you require? I suppose it never occurred to you to take some time off and do these things yourself? Hmm oh wait, a hyphenated household, I get it now. Never mind.

Staying up with your baby “used to be a rite of passage,” said Barbara Kline, president of White House Nannies in Bethesda. “Now you outsource it.” Her company places night nurses at a cost of about $400 for 24 hours.

Ugh… again, why not get a puppy?

Teia Collier, a personal shopper who works exclusively with parents of young children, also relies on word of mouth. For parents who don’t have the time or inclination to sift through product reviews or bone up on the latest round of recalls, she charges flat or hourly fees, depending on the amount of time involved, to run down things like double diaper bags, breast pumps, strollers and tooth-fairy pillows.

Collier spent a recent Friday morning up to her neck in tulle at a children’s boutique in Alexandria on behalf of a client who, between traveling for work and planning her 2-year-old daughter’s birthday party, hadn’t had time to pick up one last gift for her little girl. So she paid Collier a $30 fee and gave her a budget of $50 to find something special. Collier emerged from the store with a pink tutu and a wand with a flower on one end.

I bet it was some overblown over the top freakin’ birthday party more to show all their friends how much money they can spend on a 2 year olds birthday than anything else. Hell, there are more important things in life than actually buying your own child’s birthday present. I will let you know when I figure out what is more important than your two your old daughter.

Afterward, her client sent her an e-mail, saying the tutu and wand were a big hit.

I am sure she told her it was from mommy not Ms. Collier as well.

Zimmitti, the toilet trainer, said most of what she does is “keeping parents hopeful.”

“Parents want to do it right. I constantly tell them they can do it well enough,” Zimmitti said. “If you mess it up, we can fix it.”

Yes, so can the therapist when they are teenagers and emo after a lifetime of having learning from mom and pop that someone else can deal with their difficulties for them! These are the same parents who when their kids are older and fucked up seem some strangely confused and baffled. After all, they did everything right, just ask the consultants and hired help aka the total fucking strangers who raised their kids.

We are all busy people, we live in a busy day and age. If your life is that busy and you do not have time to soothe your children through sleepless nights, potty train them, or figure out they need to eat at the same time everyday, you might want to just not breed. Children are not an expensive accessory. There is no shame in not breeding. There is much shame to be had, however, in letting someone else do all the hard things in life. If you are all so concerned about raising your kids the right way and avoiding making mistakes, then you might want to consider what you are teaching them everytime you hire someone to fix the problems that are just part of price you pay for having a child. A small price for the ever changing and rewarding gift of a little piece of immortality in the form of a child, or four in my case.