Mar

31

I am Disillusioned: Another Set of Balls… Gone!

By jen

My friend Bruce, the one who I once thought was basically me with a penis, has broken my heart today.  I am not sure there is any hope left in the world after our last conversation.  This guy is a man’s man.  Sports, hunting, conservative, great dad, devoted husband, all those delightful things.  So you will understand my devastation when I tell you how he spent his day…

He was scrap booking with his wife!   For fuck’s sake!  Is there no sanity left in the world?

I admit a certain pathological disdain for all things scrap book related.  I will probably piss off my three female readers when I say, “Scrap booking is fucking stupid.”  I am not talking about photo albums.  I am not talking about books detailing the life of your child; milestones, accomplishments etc.  I am talking about taking those time honored traditions and fucking putting fuu fuu paper with ribbons and little plastic sparkly thingies everywhere around them.  Ugh.

The industry is brilliant really.  Right up there with freakin’ pet day spas and doggie couture.  In fact it is exactly like those things.

Examples:  (I am going to be a bitch here… bear with me.)

Wtf is that?  Is there a child in there somewhere?  Probably, but who the fuck can tell because of all the fucking buttons and ribbons.  (I am actually hiving up at this point.)

What a fantastic picture of a beautiful child with her toy and blanket.  Imagine how amazing that would look if you could actually see the picture!  This would be stunning in a really nice leather bound or handmade paper book with pretty picture corners on black paper.  You would see those eyes that appear to be full of life.

I think there are actually some pictures in there somewhere.  The worst thing about all this god forsaken floof?  You cannot actually look at these things very often because they will fall apart if you handle them too much!

Dear God the amount of money you can drop doing this stuff!  Have a look at the OCD enabling suppliers!

You womenfolk want to do this?  Fine!  Have at it!  But for all that’s holy, leave the men out of it!  The idea of Bruce using that little clipper thingie that makes the corners round makes me itch.  The visual of this man using special fru fru scissors with changeable blades to get really neato edges on paper makes me want to set something on fire!

I can only sit here and hope that he did this for some sort of sexual compensation, but even then I am not sure the price was worth it.   The most horrible thing of all?  He said he had a good time doing it.

Ugh…

I am thinking about offering a reward for the return of Bruce’s balls.  Seriously, if I didn’t have such great affection for this man I would have been much harder on him.  For God’s sake, Bruce… next time just go shoe shopping with her and hold her purse while she tries on 80 pairs of the same shoe!  At least that way you are in possession of your balls, even if they are in their new home, HER PURSE!

P.S. to Womenfolk who scrapbook:  I really am not a total bitch, but you people are messing with my men, dammit.

P.P.S to Bruce:  You know I love you, shit head.  There is no end to the amount of shit you will hear about this.  I suggest you go kill a wild boar with your bare hands to redeem your man cred…

P.P.P.S. to Reader:  I invited Bruce to write a few things on this blog about 6 months ago.  I am thinking this might get him motivated to defend himself.  Maybe?

18 Responses so far

Lileks?

Bleeting Lileks? Is this a word association thing? I am confused. ;)

Does Lileks scrapbook?

I would take offense, but I understand what you’re saying. I started scrapbooking when the boys were babies and I had so many pictures and they were all just so cute! I am also terminally creative and crafty and it was a way to wind down. Mine were creative, but not overly foo-foo. I always made sure the picture was the focus.

However, I have not scrapbooked in at least five years. I am, in addition to creative, I change projects frequently, and was very ADD and OCD about each page so I never got to finish enough. Also, around the time my mom died, I made four huge boards with her photos for the funeral and kind of lost my steam on it.

I have seen guys that scrapbook, and didn’t think anything of it, just assumed they were artsy. I guess I can see your point about the balls being carried in the “Crop-in-Style” Jumbo organizer bag, though. My husband couldn’t even conceive of doing it, but I have to admire that your friend wants to spend additional time with his wife sharing something she loves. Does she hunt with him?

Stop encouraging him, Momotrips! He is not artsy, he is almost a eunuch now. * sniffel *

Well I am creative too, just not in a way that involves floofy stuff. You are talking to a woman who had 12 custom blog skins at one point. Talk about OCD. There is just something about these scrapbookers around here anyway. They have slumber parties at scrapbook stores where they all spend the night cutting pasting!

I secretly think these are sex parties. It has to be.

My husband uses bunny lotion bars (hey, it’s grapefruit lime, and his hands get dry) and I don’t think even he would scrapbook.

Ok, first of all, spending a few hours on my day off helping out my wife one time does not a scrapbooker make. That said, I know it is horribly ghey on my part to do this activity and actually somewhat enjoy it. I also understand that there isn’t much I can say to defend it other than the truth.

As Jen said, I am a man’s man. I love to hunt, fish, play sports, coach, etc etc. Mostly though, I love sex. I’m alll about getting into my wife’s pants. Everything I do is pretty much motivated by that fact. I have married for almost 11 years now and the sex frequency has been down over the last year or so. Wifey has been dropping hints that all my extra curricular activities have taken away from our “face” time. Yes, she does go dove hunting with me, but that is the most limited hunt of the season and besides, the kids go too so our time isn’t considered “alone”. Wifey mentioned that perhaps we could scrapbook together because we are both interested in organizing all of our kids sports pictures. Knowing that if I said OK it would lead to me being in her panties, I said sure. It’s what I do. Sue me. The fact that it happened to be not completely gut-wrenching was icing on the cake. Rest assured Jen, my balls are still hanging between MY legs and they are quite empty now, thank you very much. All is well.

My only question to Jen is this: when are we quilting darling?

Quilting? Well if it give me an opportunity to poke you with a needle for your scrapbooking sins, I can do that.

Btw, quilting is an art. I have the utmost respect for quilters. In fact, I want to go to amish country for the sole purpose of buying a kick ass quilt.

Perhaps you can go with me and carry my purse, sweetness.

  • muah * you know I would not mess with you if i didn’t think you were man enough to take it.

OK, as a guy I’ve done some things that would have qualified a serious review of my Man License. I went shopping with my daughter for a prom dress. I once did the shoe shopping thing with the wife. I do the ironing—but I claim that talent on my military training so it’s a wash.

I’ve worn pink underwear. Granted, it was due to a bad mixture of a red short and underwear in the wash during my bachelor days, but I did feel my balls shrink because of it.

Still, I drew the line when the wife went through the scrap-booking phase. I’m with you, Bruce needs to come here and completely defend himself. Claim it was for sex, or at least something big and electronic or in excess of 300 horsepower.

OK, I’m going watch some sports, belch or something else a tad more manly because just reading this has caused me some….shrinkage.

I was raised by a single mom in SoCal, so I can perform the myriad of domestic duties. Heck, I used to iron for my bros in the Navy because I was the only one who could do it.

And yes Jen, I know you love me. I can handle the abuse. After all, many of the ladies who will read this will find me to be interesting to say the least. As to the dudes, I dont give a rat’s ass what they think of me :) I’m all about the ladies.

Eww. I always hated the parties – I went to a couple and they made my teeth itch. You know how I don’t dig hanging out with the ladies much – unless I handpick the hens.The only one that I ever really enjoyed was a small one with my nieces and a mutual friend.

Lately, I’ve been pouring all of my creativity into decorating. I like faux painting a lot, but I hate the prep and cleanup – I just want to do the fun, creative parts. I just made a big, fantastic handpainted cross – I saw one at our big Nutcracker Market for $90 and knew that I could make it for $20 or less. I did. Next, painting the bedroom and bathroom of son #3 – and new bathroom tile.

My husband will do lots of crazy things if he thinks he’ll get lucky, too. Usually it involves spending money cuz I’m a whore like that and it involves less effort for him. Heh.

“I dont give a rat’s ass what they think of me :) I’m all about the ladies.”

Now that, I can respect! ;-)

Mel,

I am pretty averse to any sort of Hen Party unless, like you, I pick the hens. Tupperware, Avon, Mary Kay, Pampered Chef any of them. I get my friends want to make money and I am always willing to order something but do not make me come and watch some bint try to nuke a chicken and tell me it is haute cuisine. ugh.

Bruce,

Darlin’... I still say you need to address that wild boar situation to truly get your man card reinstated. ;)

Faith+1,

The domestic stuff you learned to deal with in the military is what makes my life worth living. My husband was in the air force and ten times the domestic god. I knew I made a good choice when he did my laundry. Mel, can attest to the sexual arousal factor of a man that does laundry to a woman with kids. It was just another reason to appreciate the military.

Hey Alice, I see you live in Thornton. I’m going to be there April 20th to help move my friends back to SoCal. Small world eh?

Nah, I was just riffing on the general look and feel, and comparing to his books.

Art confuses me mostly.

LOL, Bruce, it seems everyone moves back and forth between Cali and Colorado. My husband just got back from visiting in-laws in northern California (which I know, is an entirely different country) who used to live here.

Just got around to watching this week’s How I Met Your Mother last night. Oddly on topic – one of the guys scrapbooks.

His scrapbooks, however, were to document his sexual conquests. Complete with pictures. Somehow I don’t think Bruce’s wife lets him roll that way.

I forgot about that! Doncha just love Doogie?

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