WTF is this shit? Ender’s Game?

By jen

Parents Deciding to Have A Third Child Met with Scorn…

My husband and I are getting ready to do what many couples in these brink-of-recessionary times would consider unthinkable. No, we’re not buying a Martha’s Vineyard retreat or planning a month in St. Bart’s or eco-decorating our house.

We’re planning to have a third child.

What shocks people, when we tell them, isn’t the thought of hauling three kids onto a place for a vacation, or even the idea of coming home every night to a houseful of runny noses and homework assignments. What gets them is the sheer financial audacity. Raising kids today costs a fortune. Last month, the Department of Agriculture estimated that each American child costs an average of $204,060 to house, clothe, educate and entertain until the age of 18.

But to me, a family with just two kids seems minimalist, and even a bit sad. Back in the 1970s, when my husband and I were born, sprawling families were more common. My husband had two sisters and, following a Brady-Bunchy set of remarriages in my family, I wound up with seven brothers, real and step. I’ve always fantasized about creating a “Meet Me in St. Louis”-style household of my own, with children constantly underfoot and enough relatives around to skip to my lou en masse.

And yet nowadays, people seem aghast if a couple wants more than two children. When Elana Sigall, a 43-year-old attorney in Brooklyn, was pregnant with her third, people came up to her constantly, she said, to admonish her: “You’ve got a boy and a girl already. Why don’t you just leave it alone?”

Amateurs I say! Three kids? Try four… Unless you had all three at one time (gives momotrips her earned acknowledgment) , I am not impressed. j/k

I only have four children and still I am usually a source of surprise for people when they ask about my family. I am not sure if they are more surprised I have four children or that they are all girls. I always piss off the folks out there with single children when I say you have no idea what parenting is really about. Bear with me before you start freaking out, parents of only children.

Yes having a child changes your life in a way that no one can every adequately explain to you. You have to experience it to understand the wide variety of things which will change. The least of these being the number of hours you sleep and the reality of peeing/showering/everything with audience for at least 3 years. That said, a single child is barely a blip on the radar of life. You still fit in your current automobile. You can still go and do without much planning, the childcare expenses are still manageable etc…

Child number two is when you start to notice the difference. You require a bit more planning when you go places and eating out is a big adventure as you try to cut, feed, and calm to silence a kid on your right and your left. You will not remember eating anything at a restaurant from this point in your family unit because all your energy is (should be) spent keeping kids calm and quiet so others can enjoy their dinner. Childcare is more expensive, but still it can happen with proper planning. You still fit in your car even with two car seats in use.

Child number three is the magical child. The one where you kiss that last smidge of spare time away. Where you realize when one kids has strep it is soon to run it’s course through the whole lot. This is where your grocery bill will begin to choke you.  It is when summer childcare hits the 1800-2k a month amount.  It is when you notice you had your kids too close together and you have to shove three car seats into the backseat of your Altima and then force the door closed. It is when everything changes. The meaning of the phrase, “I only have two hands!” comes into sharp focus. There is always noise. There is no silence. Ever.

Child number four, well that one forces you out of your economical car and into a SUV (because Mini Vans are for the weak) or it forces you to take two cars everywhere you want to go as a family. It is when your grocery bill probably hits the 1k a month mark. It is when you have at least one child sick on any give day during the colder months. It is when you have at least one of them with some health issue, such as allergies, asthma, adhd, or general bad mooditis. You realize as parents you are totally outnumbered and your life becomes about one thing and one thing only… The Quest for Silence.

Parents with three or more kids do not freak out when seeing a child with blood pouring out of their mouth, it happens. They say things like, “Do not put your sister in the dresser drawer!” or “Stop writing on the ceiling.” You are no longer an intellectual if you ever were one. You stopped going out to eat two kids ago. Life is about trying to keep the kids from destroying your home and trying to find five minutes of silence. You do 8-10 loads of laundry a week. You always need to go to the grocery store for something. Your medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy. You always loved coffee, but now you NEED coffee. You no longer fantasize about long beach vacations, they sound nice, but you would totally settle for an hour or two of silence before 10pm.

The amazing thing about this? Even though you are tired all the time… Even though you miss silence and a life with less chaos… Even though you spent 5+ years of your life lactating… You cannot even remember your life before kids. You manage a night out with your husband once in a while and you enjoy the quiet luxury of a steak dinner in a restaurant too expensive for anyone to bring their rugrats. You enjoy a movie without having to get up 3 times to go to the potty. It is delightful and yet at 11pm you are ready to go home and make sure the kids are sleeping and didn’t tie up the babysitter.

It is the hardest thing you will ever do and the most rewarding. People who say things like, “You have a boy and a girl, isn’t that enough?” besides being rude and deserving the most snide remark possible, these folks are envious. If all you want is a single child, good for you. I was an only child and I turned out well enough. If you want two kids, good for you too! We all know what the right number for our own lives turns out to be. So keep your inferiority complex to yourself. Just because you cannot imagine having more than two kids, doesn’t give you the right to talk down at someone who can. Make yourself feel better by scrapbooking or something.

Big families are not for everyone. I do not think less of people with only children. I do chuckle when they talk about being overwhelmed. I chuckled like every other parent with two or more kids chuckles. Yes we laugh at you, parents of only children. Not because we do not like you, we probably do, we remember having only one child, we call that cake.

The stupidity of the above linked article is these folks are rich and upper class. The ones who do not sacrifice luxury items like oh, haircuts and careers, when they have higher numbers of children. They just hire someone to do the laundry and clean the house. These are the folks who should be breeding excessively, not the ones doing it to get more money from The Man. Why don’t they have more kids? Well it might mean they outgrow their house in the hamptons for one. It might mean yet another breast lift and tummy tuck. It might mean just one more little inconvenience when it is time to go to pilates class. Such a tragic thing that.

I would have had more kids had I started the second half of my breeding career earlier, but I was 34 when number 4 was born and I know the health risks are higher over 35 for both mom and baby. I was done and I was satisfied. I will have lots of grandkids one day; the odds are in my favor with four daughters.