Plebian is A Storytelling God…

By jen

Perhaps you might remember Plebian’s Vasectomy Saga that amused me so you will be happy to know that he is living to amuse me yet again.  This time he is on a family vacation here in the states.  He is driving cross country… with kids.

Episode One:  Where in The World is Plebian?

Fact #2: Wifey has a superpower. Unfortunately, it’s neither of the money-making nor sexy variety. Rather, her superpower is the uncanny ability to disrupt the electrical system in airplane personal video devices. This power has a one-seat radius, and we only discovered it after we took off and she shorted out the video units in her seat, the girl’s seat, and my son’s seat, and the seats of the people behind her.

Scary stuff, huh?

Episode Two: The Adventure Begins.

Our first morning in America was spent sleeping off the effects of a 24-hour travel day. Then, full of vim and vigor, we set to work enjoying our vacation.

We went to Wal-Mart.

Listen, I know that people like to bad-mouth Wal-Mart: it’s full of rednecks, it oppresses the workers, the company is mean, etcetera.

Those people are mealy-mouthed bastards and I hate them. Do you know how many times I’ve said “God, I wish I had a Wal-Mart” in Europe? About once a day.

From tampons to tools, you can find it all, at low-low prices, with an elderly friend greeting you with a smile as you come in the door. It’s like grandma opened up a store, since it has everything you’d ever need, lots of stuff you never want, and no porn whatsoever.

Episode Three: Escape From Antelope Island

Antelope Island is the largest island located in Salt Lake, and is accessible by crossing a seven-mile causeway. We had given the children the camera with the instructions to “take pictures of whatever is interesting.” Five minutes later we had to warn them to stop taking pictures of each other or we’d seize the camera.

As we crossed the bridge, looking out over miles and miles of desolate area suitable for raising brine shrimp or faking moon landings, Wifey began to wrinkle up her nose as she detected a whiff of nasty in the air.

“Daddy,” said the boy. “What is that smell?”

“It smells like a fart!” said the girl. “Did you fart, daddy?”

“I wanna take a picture of daddy farting!” said the boy.

“It’s my turn to use the camera!” yelled the girl.

“No fair!” the boy countered.

“Shut up, nobody farted!” yelled Wifey. Then she leaned over to me and said quietly “You did fart, didn’t you? You can tell me.”

Isn’t it nice to have a family that loves you?

Episode Four: Into The Out Of

Setting the Scene:  They live in Europe now and left a bunch of crap in storage.  Wife has been tormenting him about making her leave her precious belonging behind for four years.  So they are going to get her stuff while they are on the trip:

Then my wife said words that were sweeter to me than an acknowledgement that I am the greatest lover in the universe. She said, and I quote:

“Jesus, what a bunch of crap.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling you for the last four years!” I insisted.

Mental note: such commentary is not conducive to intimacy, based on the look she gave me at that moment.

Dear God this man is hilarious.  If you stop in Texas, Plebian… shoot me an email.