Sunday Observation #2: Grocery Store Edition

By jen

Well, I got up this morning and hit the coffee pretty hard as per usual for a Sunday morning.  Since I am a heathen these days and probalby goign to roast in hell for not taking my kids to mass, yet again I decided I should stop putting off a trip to get new sneakers.

I hate shopping for the most part.  I am a true power shopper.  I know what I want and go directly to the store and department I need to get said item.  I do not fuck around.  It is a surgical retail strike with minimal collateral damage and single minded execution.

I also hit Academy because this is Texas and nothing is open before noon on Sunday here.  Granted I am thankful that the days of the Blue Law of my youth are gone.  Anyone else remember going to the grocery store and seeing entire sections of items roped off as “not for sale” on Sunday?  Anything considered a luxury item was verboten.  Mall parking lots were totally empty save for the movie theater if there was one.  The vast stretches of empty cement were full of young kids on their bicycles, skateboards and roller skates; the old fashioned kind, not the inline variety.  Bright white roller skates on young freshfaced girls wearing clothes which covered their bodies and their hair in a ponytail.  Not like today where girls 10 and up seem to look more like street walkers in training or some goth emo dumbass; this was when kids were still expected to be respectful and dress their age.  Young men were clean cut and their jeans didn’t hang around their hips with four inches of box shorts showing.  Their hair didn’t look like something vermin would nest in and they didn’t have 200 dollar sneakers on either.  Ah the good old days.  Anyway, enough nostalgia and mourning a youth my kids will never know.

I hit Academy because they open at 10am and are next door to the HEB where I needed to grab the handful of things I forgot on my mission yesterday morning at 8am.  I have been wanting a pair of Puma’s because they are The Sexy and all.  Also becaues they do not glow and look like gigantic pieces of leather and rubber on your feet.  I found a pair of nice ones and they fit like a dream.  Yay Jen!  They are not white either, I hate white shoes as is well documented.  Wanna see?

Yes those are my really really short legs… do not mock The Jennifer!  I could have put my ass in the shot, then you would have been in trouble!   They are a pretty sweet actually and have this rather nice blue on them.  I was looking at the all black but meh.  I asked the young buck working in the shoe department, “Which pair, darlin’?”  He smiled friendly like and said, “It is summer, get the ones with the light blue, Miss.”  I wanted to tounge kiss him for calling me miss instead of ma’am so I took the blue pair and thanked Young Buck.

Anyway, the title of this article is Grocery Store Edition and mentioned an observation…

I left Academy and Young Buck behind and headed over to the 7th level of Hell aka HEB Grocery on Sunday Morning.  As those of you with way too much time on your hands will know, Dante’s 7th level of hell was home to a river of boiling blood and well my blood was boiling in HEB.  Why oh why must people push their big ass cart into an aisle then leave it dead center and browse the fifty varieties of creamed corn?  Move to the side so everyone else can shop, you Fuknuts!

I finally reached the “Express Lane” with my 15 items or less and put my stuff on the convery belt. My items:

1. Garbage bags


2. Block swiss cheese


3. Tylenol jr. meltaways


4. Advil jr chewables


5. Chapstick


6. Gummi vitamins for me and the girls


7. Orange chewable Benefiber so daughters 3 and 4 will actually take a dump without an act of congress.  (sounds crass, but anyone with a kid or two who decided going moving their bowels was something bad and they decided not to, will sympathize.  My advice, benefiber orange.  We call them vitamin C candy and they make life much better at Casa Jen.)

I waited patiently behind middle aged Mexican woman #1 and her mother behind her.  After MW#1 wigged out because the cashier put some of her mother’s items on her tab and the subsequent manager override I was near to a rolling boil when MW#1 whipped out her checkbook and started writing.  I groaned too loudly and she looked at me like she wanted to say something.  I employed the Eyebrow of Doom and she thought better.  She was finally paid out and it was time to move onto her Mama.

I was reading about alien bat boy and his new family when I glanced at what Mama was buying.  It was such an amusing combination I had to make note on my fucking piece of shit Treo so I would remember to blog about it.  Of course now I cannot get the fucking note to load on the evil that is Windows Mobile but it was such a good list I committed it to memory.

1. Large Jar of Kosher Dill Pickles with Garlic


2. One Our Lady of Guadalupe Prayer Candle


3. One Jesus Prayer Candle


4. One St. Jude Prayer Candle


5. A multi pack of hershey’s chocolate bars


6. 8 pack of twist top Dr. Pepper

That, my friends is a fantastic variety of things.  At first glance it sounds more like a list for a pregnant Catholic gal than a woman who had to be 80 years old.  I have a delightful image of the little old lady with her dyed black hair in front of her little shrine in the formal living room no one is allowed to sit in EVER chomping on a pickle, lighting candles and yelling at her oldest daughter, “Mija!  Bring me the chocolate and Dr. Pepper, I am going to be here a while, your baby sister has been a real shit again.”