Aug

Demure Olympic Medal Ceremony 2008

By jen

I have been engrossed in the games for the last week due mostly to the swimming events which are my favorite. They did not disappoint with my boy Michael Phelps doing his thing like only he can. I have decided there needs to be some new Olympic events and here they are with their medal winners.

Worst Sports Commentary:

Gold Medal: Mary Carillo: She has had this series of feel good pieces about China’s people and culture. Other than the fact I find all this feel good shit nauseating, I find the sound of her voice totally disturbing. Seriously, even though I know to expect the sound of Ving Rhames voice to come out of her mouth I am always startled when it does. And she needs a new hairdo.

Silver Medal: Bob Costas: because he is an annoying fucknut and always will be.

Bronze Medal: Brian Williams: he doesn’t even know how to report the news and now they have him doing special reports from Beijing? Ugh… Fucknut.

Hottest Men in The Pool:

Gold Medal: Jason Lezak: Because I like my men with freckles and over 30. Also, hands down the best shoulders in the pool.

Silver Medal: Michael Phelps: He is The Shit, as we have already established. He is also the owner of probably the best Hip Thingie at the Beijing Games.

Bronze Medal: Ryan Lochte: He is walking sex. He needs a haircut, but who gives a fuck?

Most Boring Olympic Events

Gold Medal: Cycling: It is sort of like watching Nascar, just more boring. Plus, I do not understand that whole Pursuit thing. If they are racing against each other why not start them off next to each other? I am confused and bored.

Silver Medal: Track & Field everything: Well maybe not pole vaulting. That is sort of cool. The rest, meh. Especially the sprinting. I think I was just totally turned off in the last few Olympics because of all the doping scandals.

Bronze Medal: Equestrian Dressage: Zzzzzz I like when they jump over shit though. Especially when someone eats shit.

Most Underrated Events (and ones the networks should be forced to show)

Gold Medal: Judo: Because it is scrappy and the power wedgie is awesome. Plus the heavy weight women are pretty scary.

Silver Medal: Tae Kwan Do: Because there are some hot ass men in this sport and it is an ass kicking sport, which should be automatically in a prime time slot.

Bronze Medal: Fencing: This was some exciting shit this time around and I think if the networks would give it half a chance the viewers would buy in. I blame that Fucknut Bob Costas.

Three Sports the Olympics is poorer for not having:

Gold Medal: Synchronized Men’s Swimming: Seriously, I have to watch men’s synchronized diving, I think they should have to do the swimming dancing thingie too. God, this would be fantastical!

Silver Medal: Dodge Ball: God this would be so fucking great. Also, you could have Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller do the color commentary.

Bronze Medal: Krav Maga: In my perfect Olympics this would involve handguns and knives, but I guess I could compromise. Hell, MMA tournament fights would be just as good. Trust me, the London games would be much more popular with a bit of ass kicking involved.

Three Best Ideas to Make the Olympics More Fun:

Gold Medal: Replace Bob Costas with The Fab Five from Bravo’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Silver Medal: Get rid of all sports which require judging. They are just a pain in the ass and make everyone whine and bitch because there is favoritism; perceived or real. All sports based on best finish time, longest distance, hitting a target, scoring points, or lifting the most are all that can compete. Sorry divers, gymnasts, and anyone else with a subjective judging system. This was suggested by a friend and I totally agree.

Bronze Medal: A much shorter opening ceremony where the torch is lit and everyone is already on the field. They do a quick role call and each country does The Wave and voila! On to the sports!