The Daily Fuck You: Job Growth Edition

By jen

Ahhh it’s Sunday morning and deeply engrossed in bad television but I have Fuck Yous to deliver on…

Well I guess this counts as job growth, no? A giant Fuck You for this one.  You need a job?  How about becoming a Paid Progressive Activist?  Apparently while progressives for the environment are dedicated to saving Gaia they are pretty lazy about protesting and lobbying otherwise why would they need to “staff” this?  In their defense how could one be expected to take a break from their busy lives of browsing the IKEA catalog, braiding their armpit hair, and finding new exciting ways to annoy the fuck out of the rest of us?  Let’s take a look at the job description/benefits, shall we?  I am a keen observer of subtext so my findings are of course noted after the bold titles.  I live to serve.

No previous experience required! Thank Demeter for that!  Though I am sure these would be activists have vast and impressive skills at bitching, pissing, and moaning about how much the Earth weeps at being raped, it would be too much to expect them to have any actual subject matter expertise.  In fact, it is preferable if these would be activists didn’t have a single thought in their tiny little brains at all; factual based information just clouds the message.

No door-to-door! Well this is obviously to allay any fears of possibly coming into contact with Mormon Missionaries.  Religious zealots known to travel in pairs with deceptively wholesome appearances and good manners.  The nerve of these guys knows no end, they ride bicycles in an obvious snub to real earth loving clean energy hug the trees believers.  You cannot expect a budding Progressive Activist to face this sort of threat and subversive behavior at the beginning of their activist enlightenment.  This door to door stuff is for the more seasoned activist, preferably after a stint in state or federal prison.

No fundraising! No worries!  We have Soros and a host of other lunatics activists to cover these types of things.  Money is evil and the raising such things must be left in the capable hands of those better “equipped” to resist the taint of corruption!  I mean, it is perfectly reasonable for Al Gore and others of his ilk to have the same carbon footprint aa a small southern town!  They carry the burden of Gaia’s salvation on their shoulders, they need a/c and proper refrigeration for all their arugula and God alone knows how much power it takes to keep that “lock box” of Al’s under control.

Fun work environment! Yeah, this is probably true until after lunch when the stench of the unwashed overwhelms the sandalwood oil cologne in the August heat.   Note to Job Hunters:  The word Lobby in the job description is not a noun, it is a verb.  You will not be working out of the Drury Inn.  Also, the word Lobby has a “living” definition, sort of like the the US Constitution.  It is open to many interpretations.  Right Wingers will probably refer to you as “the assmites holding signs and screaming obscenities outside!” or “fair game”

Flexible schedules! A must for every would be activist.  Wouldn’t want to miss an episode of the O.C. or Weeds and only pathetic “earners” get up before 10am.

Great political experience! With this experience you could get  job with any ACORN office in the country and who knows, one day you might actually find yourself as a Community Organizer and we all know that is the single most important thing to have on a resume if you are wanting to enter elected office.  Hell, you really do not need ANYTHING else!  In a few years YOU could be leader of the free world!

“Join the historical effort to reform our country’s energy policy. Work to lobby Congress to pass the American Clean Energy and Security Act. Delay is not an option!”

God, that is so motivating! Failure to act now proves only one thing… you are a racist!   Anyway if those perks are not enough to motivate then the life changing money surely will be! Earn $90 a day! Imagine, finally getting to put that Bachelor’s Degree in The Homoerotic Imagery of Greek literature as it Pertains to Corn and Wheat Subsidies in Lands Greedy American Capitalist Swine Have Plundered Studies from Berkley or CollegeDegreesOnline.com!  Your parents will be so fucking proud!

/end sarcasm I am starting to get nauseated.  Oh yeah… Fuck You to this entire practice of hired mobs.  Fuck you, Fuck You, and Fuck You again!

Thanks to Alice_H :)