TDFU: Cinema Edition

By jen

Ok, since I cannot stomach the headlines today, I shall vent a bit of rage at the movies.

Let’s start with Star Wars Ep 1-3 because this fucking shit is on my tv right now.  I cannot even deal with Episode 1 so let’s skip to Attack of the Clones.  Fuck you George Lucas.  Fuck you right in the ass.  I remember seeing A New Hope in the theaters.  Like most kids we had this “visual” in our heads of how kick ass the Jedi would be in combat.  How fucking dare you ruin that you fucking narcissistic bastard!  I didn’t think it was possible to take as many talented actors as he had to work with in these films and produce such fucking shit.

Oh but wait, Revenge of the Shit as I like to call it, that was a fucking comedy masterpiece, however unintentionally so.  Seriously, the scene when Anakin kills Mace then falls to his knees before the Emperor who then throws back his head and gasp/hisses “Yessssssssssssssss”  the camera angle is from behind Anankin’s head it is like he is blowing Palpatine and then the sound effects.  I was laughing so fucking hard the people behind me were telling me to shush.  Then on the lava planet with Padme when she gets all screwfaced and cried, “You are breaking my heart!” waaaaaaaaaa  oh fuck, I was trying not to spew my soda.  Fucking hilarious.  Sad thing though… it was suppose to be serious.  Oh fuck you.  He should have made it a musical, that would have been an improvement.

Forrest Gump… fuck you Forrest.  Don’t run Forrest, fuck yourself.  I fucking hated this film.  Hands down the single most overrated film in the history of cinema not counting the the Kubrick shit which everyone knows is all shit but says they love because they think it makes them cool.  Shit… all of it.

Titanic.  Oh for fuck’s sake, die already.  No offense to Leo, he can act, but I cannot get over that sort of weird “I look like I stopped maturing at 15” thing he has going on.  I have tried.  The movie is three hours of my life I will never get back and that fucking Celine Dion song made me want to kill things.

Max Payne:  What the fuck is this suppose to be?  Seriously?  I watched that and was like, wtf?  Unlike Leo, I actually like Mark Walberg usually, this movie was just pure shit.

Matrix II-III oh how I hate thee.  To be honest I think these two films could be edited into a single film that would have been pretty spiffy, though not great.  The Matrix is excellent fun though the whole hype about it being something “new” was bullshit.  Visually, sure but thematically?  Hellooooo Messianic themes are not new and the scenes in the sequel from Zion steal so literally from Herbert’s Dune that it is shameful.  Is it Neo Neo or Morpheus Morpheus or Muad’dib Muad’dib!  Then to make it worse we cut from that to what I like to call the “Bad Night Club in Miami” scene where they are dancing and bouncing around.  Ugh.  Take all that shit out.  Leave in the Merovingian scenes, the fight scenes MINUS the burly man brawl which was worse than watching a video game trailer and cut out every fucking scene that turned Trinity a bad ass gal in The Matrix into this simpering fuckng female.

I love Steve Martin as much as the next person, but fuck you to whomever cast him as Inspector Clouseau.  First off it is not possible to better Peter Sellers on this role but if you are going to try then you need someone other than Steve Martin.  If Mike Meyers had never done Austin Powers he could have done it, but not Martin.  Go back to playing my favorite dad in movies or better yet, desperate directors in Bowfinger.

Sideways:  I may have to reevaluate the Worst Movie Ever now that I think about it.  Forrest Gump at least had some decent music and I love Gary Sinese.   Sideways was a fucking pathetic tale of pathetic pussy men and their pathetic lives and it would have made a great short film about twenty minutes long where it ends with both the main characters eating a .45.  Virginia Madsen Oscar Nominated for ten minutes of screen time?  Granted it was not a bad ten minutes because she is the only non-pathetic character in the film and anything with Sandra Oh in it makes me want to vomit on principle.

Honestly I would rather watch a movie marathon of Elektra, Drop Dead Fred, and Troop Beverly Hills than have to endure even the opening credits of these films.