TDFU: A Little Bit of Everything

By jen

I do give more than my fair share of Fuck Yous to Nancy Pelosi, but you know… it never gets old.  It is like a warm blanket on a cold day.  So here we go.  Nancy, precious… do you really need to have the military fly you everywhere?  Do you really need to drink like a lush?  I am guessing yes.

It reads like a dream order for a wild frat party: Maker’s Mark whiskey, Courvoisier cognac, Johnny Walker Red scotch, Grey Goose vodka, E&J brandy, Bailey’s Irish Crème, Bacardi Light rum, Jim Beam whiskey, Beefeater gin, Dewars scotch, Bombay Sapphire gin, Jack Daniels whiskey … and Corona beer.

But that single receipt makes up just part of the more than $101,000 taxpayers paid for “in-flight services” – including food and liquor, for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s trips on Air Force jets over the last two years. That’s almost $1,000 per week.

Courvoisier?  She must be rollin’ with Kanye these days.  Yo, Nancy was robbed!  She so totally deserved that Botox of the Year award.  Seriously though, the bar tab is interesting.  I am disappointed with the ghetto Johnny Walker Red, surely Nancy deserves Blue Label.  It is the least the American people can do for her.  2.1 million dollars over 2 years using Air Force jets as her own personal flying party bus.  Nancy deserves only the best for all the hard work she is doing.  Though if i were her I would not be too keen on pushing universal health care because she is gonna need a new liver if she keeps drinking like that. To expect Nancy to fly with the masses of unwashed is simply unthinkable.  What if they touched her?  What would happen to her fine couture clothing if she had to sit on a commercial airline seat?  Oogy pleb germs might get all over her clothes!

On to more bullshit…

Athiests.  Yeah, as a general rule I do not give a rat’s red ass about what anyone believes or doesn’t believe.  I have had non believers in my life who were good people and who did not feel the need to tell me I was a retard for believing or accusing me of taking part in the gigantic Roman Catholic Conspiracy to rule the world.  In return I didn’t tell them how sad it is that they cannot believe. Life is about personal choices and as long as those choices do not shit all over me and you live your life with integrity then we have no issues.  That said, if your particular variety of Atheism is such that you are offended by a Mother Teresa stamp, then you need to just get over your fucking inflated sense of self worth.  Seriously.  They are telling folks to boycott USPS and encourage a letter writing campaign.  Hmmm that actually may work in the USPS’s favor.  I mean maybe this was the plan all along!  No one writes letters anymore so they picked the Atheists to piss off.  They probably had a bunch of meeting to brain storm how to increase revenues.  What a bunch of fucking retards.  Btw, they had no problem with the MLK stamp or the Malcolm X stamp.  Apparently their religion didn’t negate their accomplishments.  I wonder if Dr. King would have considered his Christianity “incidental and irrelevant” to his accomplishments?  I wonder if Malcolm X would agree that Islam was not a defining force in his life?  These guys must be some sort of new retarded version of Atheists.

On a depressing note:

I visited DSW today with my rewards check and there wasn’t a fucking thing I wanted in the entire store.  I blame Obama.  I was at the mall yesterday and I visited like ten stores and nothing nothing nothing.  Everything sucks.  Skinny jeans, neon colors, bright prints.  Excuse me fashion trend deciders… I remember the 80s, and while it had some amazing things about it, fashion was not among them.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Cold shoulder shirts, leggins, boyfriend shirts with bright colors, and for the love of GOD… ballet flats.  It is fucking tragic.

On a good note:

I am totally in love with Doctor Who.  I am in the middle of season 2 and loving it.  Some of them are really stupid but in a good way.  When the BBC gets it right, they get it very right.

I have four episodes of Fringe waiting for me. I think I am going to bank about 6 of them then watch them all over a weekend!  Yay!  I love Walter.

On the “Fucking enough already” note:

I do not give a fuck about how much money Avatar has made.  Honestly I have no desire to see it.  Not because of politics, though that certainly doesn’t help, but mostly because I haven’t forgiven James Cameron for inflicting Titanic on the world.  I will never forgive him for paying Celine Dion to sing that fucking song from hell.  I will never forgive him for casting that perpetual childlike looking twit Leonardo in the film.

I also do not give a shit about Lost.  I do not care that it is the last season.  Honestly they could have added ten minutes to the last episode of season 1, sent them home, and ended the show on a high note.  It has been downhill since then.

My new thing:

I have spoken often of my coworker and favorite person ever, Sarah aka Jen’s Keeper.  She is a font of great expressions which are contagious.  It started with, “Really?”  Which she says only slightly less than she use to and I seem to say at least once an hour.  A few weeks back she started with the newest benign commentary that has taken on a life of its own.  We were working on something that probably was not ours to do but we ended up doing it and on a tight deadline when a box popped up on her laptop that says, “you have been infected with a trojan”  She sighs, rolls her eyes and clicks the “yes I will call helpdesk box” and says in total exasperated seriousness, “I do not have time for Trojans.”  The meme of the month has been “I do not have time for…”  This of course has infected me and another co-worker.

A few days ago I get a text on the way into work which said, “I do not have time for motorcycles”  meaning of course one was inhibiting her from driving her normal mach 3 speed to work.  My text reply was, “I do not have time for cars!”  This is how life goes all day, everyday.  “Jennifer, we have a meeting at 1pm”  grumble grumble “I do not have TIME for meetings.”

Things we have not had time for over the last few weeks.

People
Ovaries
Rain
Garage Door Opener Batteries
Runs in my stockings
Ghetto Shopping Malls
Parking Ticket Validation and Parking Garages… Parking in General.
Trying on Clothes
Blemishes
Deliverable Reporting
Deliverable Training
Exel
Visio
Microsoft

Yes, I am aware this if probably only amusing to us, but in the end, that is all that really matters.  As long as we are amused, everyone lives.

Some random “What the fucks…”:

What the hell is up with Luby’s?  Seriously, it is almost as expensive as going to a real restaurant.  The worst part?  What happened to the little lady with the tea cart?  She is gone!  You know what they have now?  Annoying little ladies who bother you like vulture waitresses.  I honestly think Sarah is going to stab one with a fork soon.  “Is there anything i can get you ladies?  Butter? Hot sauce? Ice?”  I kick Sarah under the table to keep her from saying, “Yes, you can get the fuck away from me and go find a goddamn tea cart!”  She is so awesome that way.  If she is like this at 23 imagine what she will be like at 40!

Drug commercials on TV: Really?  Do you feel so self conscious about the length of your eyelashes that you are going to take a drug to make them longer and thicker?  A drug that can cause some pretty weird side effects?  Do what any self respecting drag queen does, sweetie… visit the M.A.C. counter and get some fabulous false eyelashes!  The best ones are the anti-depressants drugs.  They will make you feel so much better, but by the way, if you are a guy you might get sexual disfunction.  So if you are not depressed enough for medication before you take it, you dick ceasing to function normally or your inability to ejaculate will see that you soon are.  Speaking of dicks, erections lasting longer than four hours might be a bad thing.  Contrary to popular thought and commentary from guys I know who say things like “Four hour erection?  I am not going to the emergency room!  I am going to call some people and pull out the video camera!”... this cannot be a good thing.  I hear they have to drain the blood from your dick with a needle.  I do not have a dick and the thought makes me cringe.

Amazon:  I finally get a Kindle and now Amazon and MacMillan books are in a pissing contest about pricing and some of my favorite authors are no longer available!  I bought my Kindle in an effort to keep the vampire porn flowing into my home with the least amount of effort possible.  You two guys need to figure this shit out. I do not have time for pissing matches.

Crying men on TV.  Hell crying men in general.  For fuck’s sake, get a fucking grip.  Guys crying because they are eliminated from Amazing Race or Top Chef or whatever.  Guy’s crying because life is just so fucking hard.  Find your sack, dammit.  I know we have a breast for a president, but it is soooo not ok to cry like a fucking woman. I am a woman and i do not cry as much as these bitch ass men do.  I am a woman with PMS from hell and i do not cry that much.  I am sorry your girlfriend doesn’t love you anymore. I am sorry you lost the game.  I am sorry you are so fucking pussified you cannot just say, “Fuck it, life blows sometimes… NEXT”

Fucking pet commercials.  The ones with the bulldog is fine.  I think bulldogs are pretty spiffy and I am not an animal person, but their ugliness makes me smile.  But there is one with a dog talking about being a “super pooper”.  I do not need to tell you how much this commercial disturbs me.  I do not need to hear about the shitting habits of a fucking chihuahua while I am eating dinner and watching tv.  People have fucking lost their minds with their pets in the last few years.  They are DOGS, people.  Dogs are pets.  They are DOGS!  They are not children.  They do not need a therapist, a spa, their own furniture, and they certainly do not need to be with you every second of of your life outside of work.  Do not bring Fifi to the store, the gas station, and do not even think of bringing her with you when you visit.  I do not care about your dog.  If one more person at work shows me a picture they took over the weekend and it is their ruined dog in some absurd picture I am going to lose it.  No it isn’t cute that he fell asleep on his back.  No he isn’t cute in his little hat and booties.  No she isn’t just precious in her goddamn tiara.  IT IS A FUCKING ANIMAL!  Feed it, play with it, let it be an animal not some sorry substitution for children which you are too damn irresponsible and self centered to breed for yourself.  I am really sorry that you cannot put your kids in their cage or lock them in the laundry room while you go to work or out clubbing or whatever it is you do.  Fine, do not breed, but for the love of God stop with the fucking pet insanity.  Dogs should be dogs, not pitiful codependent creatures who live only to fill your idle time and make you feel like you are nurturing something.

The fucking weather.  Enough already.  It needs to either be HOT or COLD.  This 30-50 degree temperature shifting every other day is killing me.  I do not have time for weather!

Finally… Obama.  SOTU… Fuck You, fuck you, and Fuck you.  Tax relief for millions already.  Really?  Who?  People who are not fucking paying taxes anyway?  You are a fucking boob.  Your administration is a freakin’ joke.  Your congress is skating on thin ice and your term’s second half is gonna be a whole other ballgame.

Ok… that should hold the world for a while.