Sign #3341235 That I am a Masochist: American Airlines Edition

By jen

This morning blows already.  It is hot as fuck outside, might as well be in a sauna.  I spent half an hour standing outside for the skycap to take my bag for him to say “We cannot accept them anymore if you have already checked in online.”  WHAT?!!  Could you freakin’ put a sign out that says that.  Needless to say I announced to the crowd “If you, like me, are not psychic… If you have already checked in online you cannot check your bags here!”  Half the line left with me.

Spend another hour in the “Bag check-in” line which is amazing really.  I am convinced the requirement to work in the bag check in line is “Moves very fucking slow”

Guy standing behind me smelled like sardines and I was getting nauseated.  Honestly, I needed a cocktail at 845am.  I might be totally ok with morning boozing, but even I do not usually crave a tequila shot before 10am.

Got to security after dropping off my obnoxious hot pink and purple trimmed suitcase, yeah… laugh it up guys.  I can find that bad boy as soon as it hits the conveyor belt at baggage claim.  You all can stand there with your smug trendy selves waiting for your super fab black samsonite bag.  I am OUT!

So, apparently you cannot take your coke with you through security.  I think this is a racket for the airport in cahoots with the gift shop just inside the check points.  I dumped a new coke and then had to go buy another one!

I got scanned and I am not sure how I feel about that.  Wanted to ask the guy if he liked my new bra, but felt he might not have my sense of humor.  Apparently I was good to go and headed straight for the giftshop for another coke.  They don’t sell tequila.

Sitting here now at the gate waiting for my flight that is… wait for it… delayed!  How can it be delayed already?!  oy.  So I try to get on the wifi here, yeah that blows.  It is a tease actually.  Says you are on but you really are not!.  Thanks be to GOD for my verizon air card!  They just think they can keep me off the internets!

So, i am sitting here watching this older man with a beautiful baby boy who I am sure belongs to his 16 year old or so daughter who is sitting by her fresh out of boot camp hubby.  So young.  I am looking around at people sleeping and snoring.  Kids running amok, and have come to a couple of conclusions.

1.  American Airlines blows… obviously

2.  Women really need to sit with their legs closed.  Just cuz you are in shorts doesn’t mean you need to spread ‘em like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton.  OMG  way too much thigh spread and just ew…

3.  The American Airlines people are always so well dressed and yet to amazingly unapologetic about fucking up your day with delays.  at least they could give e a freakin’ drink ticket!!!

4.  I am watching people bustle for position in line to board the early flight.  I am not sure why they are doing this.  You have an assigned seat folks!!!

5.  OMG sardines guy is on my flight.  If he is sitting by me I might end up barfing.

I need food…  actually I need a cigarette but of course there is no lounge here in the air port.  They had a nice one in Tampa.  Ok, I am going find something to munch on.  More from Dallas where i am sure i will be delayed until Thursday!

13 Responses so far

I hope you have a enjoyable time in Chicago. You have to have a deep dish pizza. I would suggest Lou Malnati’s which is the best deep dish in the city.
When you get back from crookville, try this place.

My hubby was the one who finally collared a guy in a ‘uniform’ to find out how I get ‘checked in’ – on the return flight, the guy was really nice and started me out.
I too have thought of some real quick comebacks to the security people – however in 1972 while traipsing into CVG (in between the two glass doors – not even into the airport proper) I said – I should high jack a plane to Montana – before you could say damn, wtf – I was in a secure room surrounded by guys grilling me. Scared to death and only got out of my flip remark (I was 17 at the time) because the guy we had come to pick up was head of airport security at LAX – taught me to keep my trap shut around the airport goons.
Still I will only fly now – if someone else pays for it – not going to inflict the crap on me on my own dime.
Hope that the trip goes well.

First time at your blog site and loved it! (First blog I’ve ever read, even.) Please keep it up, I really enjoyed your scathing wit.

“I have abandoned you, my loyal five readers, for the last three months.  I have no excuse other than work has been insane and I have been just too freakin’ tired to do anything at all.”
I check in occasionally, would like to see you continue your blog….

is there anybody out there?

Your a rad bitch. Don’t grow up

Just in case you stop by here before Easter …
Merry Christmas Jen!

Damn those space aliens. They’ve kidnapped Jen again and I think they took her back to their home world this time.

Well Jen, it’s been 12 months now – are you still with us ?????

18 months and counting. This has got to be the longest alien abduction ever.
Hope you and the family had a great Thanksgiving and can find the wormhole back to our galaxy ASAP.

“Guy standing behind me smelled like sardines” and “OMG sardines guy is on my flight.” Ok,I bust out laughing;may have to steal this! :)

come out, come out, where ever you are!

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