Highlights and Observations:

1.  It is never ok to wear rubber flip flops/shower shoes to work.  Even with a freakin’ skirt and jacket… ESPECIALLY with a skirt and jacket.

2.  It is never ok to wear cotton, denim, or knit capri pants to work.  It is even less ok to wear a sleeveless v-neck t-shirt with them.  This is what I refer to as “home depot couture” and has no place at work!

3.  Attention men:  Jewel toned shirts or vibrant colored shirts have no place at work.  They actually have no place in your closet, but that is neither here nor there.

4.  If you own a tie bought before y2k throw it the hell away…NOW

5.  Sandals are never ok at work.  That is my opinion.  That said, if you wear them, for the love of GOD get a pedicure.  No one wants to see your klingon  battle talons all funky and crusty.  ugh

6.  Common misconception, gals… Clothing does not suddenly become work worthy by virtue of putting a pair of heels on with them.  Shorts are never ok at work.  They are still not OK with heels.

7.  Misconception #2, gals… cut off white denim knee shorts are not work appropriate, even if you put on a fucking blazer with them and heels.  OMG really?  Frayed hem!

8.  Sleeveless shirts, dresses, tanks, camis whatever… NONE OF THAT IS WORK APPROPRIATE!  I do not care that on tv the women working in high powered jobs are often wearing micro mini skirts and sleeveless mini dresses.  It is not professional unless you are a call girl.

9.  I know I am in a minority when I say this one, but for the love of GOD why don’t women were stockings anymore?  It is soooo not ok to have a nice pair of shoes and shove your bare fucking sweaty feet into them.  To me, a dress or skirt is to be worn with stocking unless it is a sundress and sundresses are not to be worn at work!  It is just gross to listen to people with sticky feet in their shoes all day.  You know their feet stink and it just disgusts me.

10. If you are going to wear a jersy dress to work, there is nothing wrong with this per se, but if you are worried about a pantie line the answer is not to wear a thong, you fucking idiot.  I do not care if you have the ass of a 23 year old tennis player (which you do not) it is just fucking gross.  Why?  I will tell you why!  Even if I can get past the fact you still have a panty line honey, it is just higher…  Even if i can get past the fact you were too stupid to wear hose and/or a slip…  I can not get over the fact that every time you take a step your clingy dress is getting lodged inn your ass crack.  This is wildly inappropriate and really fucking nasty.

ugh… the world has no fucking class anymore.

Really?

Looks like the drapes and part of the disco ball reclaimed from a Studio 54 garage sale.  She best watch out, Barry is gonna start thinking about his coke days and ask to snort a line off her ass at the worst possible moment.

Eyebrows?  Check!  New Shoes?  Check!  It is a good day.  Dinner?  Not so much…  I would rather spend the day ready my latest smutty book on my Kindle.

One final thought…

Obama is a wanker!

So a question:  If you were invited to a Medal of Honor ceremony, what would you wear?  Would the fact the young man being honored had passed in the line of duty?  I dare say you wouldn’t go to the fucking closet and pick up a bright floral frock and toss on some green flats, dangling earrings and head out the fucking door!   But you, my friends, are not a Klingon War Bride.  You do not gnaw on testicles for sport.  If you were and if you did, you would wear a fucking dress that looked like a bad tablecloth and some spiffy green shoes and you would DARE anyone to question you!

It is obvious that the need to match her husband’s red tie was taken to the extreme.  ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.  She looks like she is ready to walk the Red Carpet at a freaking movie premiere!  And what the fuck it up with the green shoes.   What kind of woman passes up an opportunity to wear red shoes?  I will tell you what kind of woman!  A very bad woman.  Red shoes are the very epitome of awesomeness and you should be punished severely for failing to wear them at every available opportunity. Apparently there is an entire website out there that follows her fashion fabulousness! This is how they commented on the dress:

For the occasion, Mrs. O debuted a new floral frock in a bold, red rose print, accessorized with green kitten heels and chandelier earrings.

It sounds like she is ready to go to a damn luncheon with her girlfriends not a somber occasion which should be treated with enough respect to not arrive wearing a giant “look at me dress!”  but then we all know it is all about looking at them.  Fucking green shoes.  I just cannot get over the green shoes.  I think it is a political statement!  The green shoes are a subliminal message.  “Stop sending all the “green” to fund a  war!  Fund Universal Healthcare and this sort of pesky military nonsense will not be necessary anymore!”

It would be a painfully bad choice on most days, on this day it is just illustrates how totally fucking shameless and clueless these dolts are about what this ceremony means.  Why would they?  The ceremony represents everything they despise about America.  I doubt Michelle was feeling very proud to be an American this day.  You know, it was something she had to endure as First Frau.  Ugh.

Worst part, while the woman has a frightening face, she is tall and shapely and could look fantastic if she just hired the right Gay to dress her.   Just put the dress in the closet, Michelle and save it for when Jimmy Carter finally kicks the bucket.  This dress would be wildly appropriate for that occasion;  add a hat and some bling while you’re at it.

This is not a first offense for our super toned war bride.  Have you forgotten her outfit when she went to meet the Pope?

What the hell is that?  Benedict looks terrified and I think he is mouthing Hail Mary’s as fast as he can.  I think that was the point! Terrorize the old German.   I get the mantilla but the black dress or whatever that is?  She looks like some mourning peasant woman from a scene in the Godfather!

Other fine moments in Klingon Couture…

Obviously she was using Miley Sirus as a stylist this day.  I take that back, Miley’s stuff at WalMart is far more fashionable than this.   She looks like she was attacked by the trim aisle at Hobby Lobby!  Honey TWO sweaters only makes it worse.  I do not get it.

WTF!  Who wear vomit colored clothing?  Worse than that, what the fuck is up with the jacket?  Is this a Home Ec project from one of her kids?  Nah, they usually look pretty darn cute. I am telling you, her stylists are fucking with her and I thank them for it.  I can blog about this forevah!

The infamous trip to feed the poor in her $540 buck sneakers.  Forget the hoopla about her daring to wear $540 shoes to a soup kitchen.  Really?  Do you expect her to hit payless before the trip?  Oh no.. the tragedy here is that they are just fucking ugly!  This is the height of fucking style if you are a 5th grader!  Trust me, I have a 5th grader and she would totally love these and I would totally not buy them, even at Payless on a BoGo sale.  They make her look like a flatfooted Sasquatch for fuck’s sake.

This is the outfit she wore to the anointing of The Wise Latina!  Or so the caption said.  Seriously, Michelle… stop using the Disney Channel as a source of fashion tips!  Thing is, I have seen her look good.  Simple clothes in solid colors and she looks very sophisticated.  She is blessed with height which she totally squanders with a fucking obsessive need to wear flats.  I doubt her husband has enough influence over her to make her wear flats to avoid being taller than him.  Can she just not walk in heels?  Is she afraid of giving Nancy Pelosi a view up her nostrils by wearing 4 inch stilettos?  I have an unwavering love of high heels and I could be 5’10 and I would still wear them!  You obviously have designers throwing clothes at you, Michelle.  For goodness sakes do us all a favor and take the Jimmy Choos and the Manolos.   Maybe she is is afraid of showing her Klingon Battle Talons?

Get a new Gay and get some fucking high heels woman!

I needed brown shoes.  Yes… NEEEEED.   Plus these were like $125 last time I saw them and today they were $24 bucks yay, Jennifer!

A girl can never have enough black shoes.  This is a simple fact and these are sexy as hell.

Then there is this… dear GOD.  she is disappearing.  Oy.

I get the whole “who can become a skeleton first” fad in the media.  The word as a whole has had a fucked up ideal aesthetic for thirty plus years.  You wanna be thin, knock yourself out I am sure there are alot of guys who like their women to have the curves of a 12 year old boy, but at some point it becomes worrisome.

A palate cleanser…

David, honey… make your woman eat!

I am watching the Ultimate Cake Off or something like that on TLC and one of the “cake artists” is this gal from Atlanta.  She is all typically southern, bottle blonde with bright red lipstick and too much make up that makes her look about ten years older than she is.  That is bad enough but  it can even be forgiven with a bit of make up 101.  You know what isn’t forgivable?

THE FUCKING HAIR BOW!

I hate hair bows.  Here is the rule, AGAIN…

If you are over the age of 14 (maybe 18 if you are a high school cheerleader and you are forced) you should never put a fucking bow in your hair.  You look like a idiot.  You know what makes hair bows even more of an affront to my fucking delicate sensitivities?  Sometime circa 1984 some sort of mutation or distortion of the hair bow market happened.  Hair bows grew to roughly the size of the average adult’s head.  So not only are they grossly age inappropriate, they are fucking gigantic.  On no planet does giant fucking pink bow scream “I am a grown woman!”

For fuck’s sake, this is worse than wearing white shoes.  Do not get me started on white shoes on grown women who are not in a bridal dress (even then I think a nice red or purple shoes is more fabulous).

Manolo says, since the government is giving away the free money to the car buyers, perhaps it is time for the shoe industry to lobby for their own subsidy.

Thus the Manolo proposes the Cash for Clogs program.

Turn in your old Croc for destruction and receive the $10 gift certificate for the purchase of the new pair of beautiful shoes.

To state in graphic terms…turn in this monstrosity…

Behold the fabulousness that is Carlos by Carlos Santana “Believe 2” heel.  This is an amazing shoe and frankly the most comfortable 4 inch stiletto I have ever owned.  I want them in black.

I wear these to work three days a week on average and get many complements on them.  Trust me, I would probably get flogged by my terminally shoe fabulous boss for wearing anything resembling a “clog” to work.  I would deserve it and thank her for it in the end.

People wait in line to speak with recruiting representatives during a job fair in San Francisco, California, July 20, 2009.

It isn’t just the woman with the denim shorts and four inch heels.  Look at the guys!  Use a fucking iron.  Word to the wise.  Dress shoes with wrinkled fucking old ass jeans does not a good impression make!   Are they recruiting for Barmaids and stock boys at Hot Topic?  Ugh.

Sorry for the weird angle, I forgot to take pics at the store in the shoe mirror.  I need a shoe mirror at home.  yes yes that is it!

Maybe the baggie jeans are not bringing the sexy, but oooo these will bring the sexy with my pencils skirts at work.  w00t!

The only way they could be better is if they were blood red.   I actually went looking for red shoes.  There is an appalling lack of red shoes on the market today.  That said we can continue to buy black ones until then.

Here is the product discription on this $45 plus you have to buy the adhesive, more about that in a minute…

The perfect marriage of form and function – our Merkin Flashlight helps leave something to the imagination as well as providing hands free illumination. This three-bulb, ultra-bright L.E.D. light provides three levels of constant light output and two blinking “lure” modes. The pivoting lamp head allows you to shine light exactly where you want. Comes with two fun-fur hair pieces (anatomical pink and arctic white) and five strips of Opti-Tape 42*, an extended wear toupee tape that provides up to six weeks of continuous adhesion per application. L.E.D. light runs on three AAA alkaline batteries (included.)

WARNING: We strongly advise NOT to use this tape as an impromptu waxing substitute – IT CAN REMOVE MORE THAN JUST YOUR HAIR!

Apparently the amazing number of hits has caused them to stop embedding.  Have a listen, broad can sing.

OH.  MY.  GOD.  I need these.  I NEEEEED Them.

I love these for reasons that escape me. They are sort of 40’s retro with like a funky thing going on.

You know, Stewart Weitzman makes the most amazing red shoes.

Of all my shoes… all are black save like four pair.  I love black shoes.  I love THIS black shoe.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oooooooooooooooh

sexy shit that…

funky spiffy demure!

I actually have a pair almost identical to these.  LOVE THEM.

Did I mention how much I love black shoes?

These would look fab with my jeans.

See, i need more brown.  Yes… that is it.  Must. Have. Brown. Shoes.

I would never wear these, i have a thing about animal print.  It is just fucking classless.   I do not care if freakin’ Anna Wintour says it is The Shit.  It screams barmaid in Vegas.   That said, if these were black or brown they would be mine.  It has nothing to do with the name of the shoe… Naughty Monkey.

I want this coat.  I think I would look fabulous in this coat.  Via Spiga makes a nice shoe, didn’t know they made clothes.  That jacket with my Fuck You Sunglasses would be FABULOUS.

I need these shoes but I think they would be a bit much for Ft. Sam.  I could be wrong.

This just isn’t working for me… do you know what we need?  We need The Galliano, nothing else will lift us from our doldrums like the dwarfed genius that is The Galliano!

I am diggin’ the headdress on this one.  Not a tiara, but that will come later…

Its like a cross between a bird and a armadillo.  It is HOT.

This would be so kick ass if that arm thing was actually some sort of cyborg machine gun flame thrower aparatus.  Don’t you think?  Feminine yet menacing… tres chic!

This is obviously from The Galliano’s Lettuce Period.  Upside, the one on the right could be really handy if you had a giant glass bottle to clean or you didn’t feel like driving to the carwash.  Just spin around the car in this bad boy…woo woo.

It has that holiday feel, doesn’t it?

Now, onto my favorite of all The Galliano’s work with Christian Dior.  Fall 2004 Haute Couture is simply amazing and he gets extra jen-kudos for the heavy use of Tiaras.  I need a fucking tiara.

Wearing the tiara Pimp Daddy aka askew is truly timeless fashion.

I wore this to my last job interview, needless to say… I made quite the impression and it does wonders emphasizing the waist, what with the five foot wide ass on the gown.

This outfit I wear when I blog.  I only wear it every second thursday though.  It is special and I tend to get triscuit crumbs on the collar so I have to be careful.  Still, the tiara is fabulous on me.

Oooo I loves me some red duchess satin and for days when a tiara just isn’t enough… The Crown rocks it out.

Also, took my husband suit shopping today; some recon work for a shopping trip in our near future to kill some time after dinner and just enjoy being kid free a little while longer (folks evacuted Port Arthur area and are in town enjoying the kids).  First thing I said to the young man at the store when he asked what we were looking for I said, “Suits.  Blue, Charcoal, maybe a dark chocolate but absolutely nothing that falls in the rhelm of skin colored.” he smiled at me and lead the way.  I continued to boss him around with orders for pinstripe, three button, nothing busy and of course, “I want the mafioso lapels.” Peak lapels are THE SHIT.

While hubby tried on suits Sandy The Stylist and I started oohing and ahing over french blue dress shirts and coordinating ties.  All in all I have an order for four suits and what not on tap.  It was wildly successful and took all of 30 minutes.  MY KIND OF SHOPPING!  I hate shopping.

Anyway, just saw that cocksucker on Fox and had to rant.