What the actual fuck is going on with me?  A shitload of work, that’s what.  A shitload of work, kids who as they get older have these things called “school activities and responsibilities”.  Totally cuts into my blogging, reading, writing, and shoe shopping time.  So I will just unload on some of the shit in the world that is working my last fucking nerve.

1. Let’s take a quick review of my predictions about Obama from October of 2008

We will have more poor people even after throwing more money at the existing programs and creating a whole shitload of new ones.

Cuba will become a top US vacation destination and not just for terrorists.  Isn’t it time we forgive Fidel anyway?  We can follow this with National Che Day.

The cost of absolutely everything will go up.  Gas, food, homes, utilities, education, health care.

Race relations in this country will be set back to circa 1975.

I got a few wrong, but he still has time to jack the rest of it up.

2. Why oh why is the world so freakin’ obsessed with wedge shoes.  They are ugly, clompy, and have no freakin’ place at work.  DSW has four freakin’ aisles of this shit.  STOP THE INSANITY.

3.  I have been obsessively reading Urban Fantasy.  Some recommendations for you…

Deadtown series by Nancy Holzner
October Daye series by Seanan McGuire (I was slow to warm to this first book but i love it now)
Horngate Witches by Diana Pharaoh Francis (not your normal witch series.  nothing cutesy about it.)
The Edge series by Ilona Andrews (anything by this writing duo is top notch)
The Black Sun’s Daughter series M.L.N. Hanover (This series really grew on me and male authors in this genre are new for me)
Rogue Mage series by Faith Hunter

I love my Kindle and my Kindle App!

4.  Do you know how difficult it is to try and blog while I am watching Adam Levine on TV?

5.  I am still trying to process this whole Japan nightmare.  I still cannot wrap my brain around it.

6.  I have been thinking alot about blogging but have been just totally unwilling to focus as I am sure is reflected in this attempt at it.

So, I will not say I will be back tomorrow or this weekend but I will say I am still here, still bitchy, and still totally not understanding why the world is full of so many stupid freakin’ people!  Thanks for all the emails asking where I am and shit.  They are appreciated!  My girls are all doing great, thanks be to GOD.  Me, I am still working the demure gig and pissing people off.  We all have to do what we are good at.

:)

Ladies… Adam Levine.  The eyes, the voice, the tattoos… THE HIP THINGIE!

There are some really great ones that I either have used in my day to day life or plan to immediately at work.  I love to share so here are a few of my favorites.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.  (AMEN!!!)

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ‘the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f———kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X

The Non-Football Fan’s Guide to the World Cup or What to do When You’re Just Here for the Hot Men

It sounds like something I would write if i had actual knowledge of Soccer.

Eye-candy and some seriously funny commentary.

The writer read my mind with this advise “when in doubt about who is hot on a team, always check the goalkeeper.”

A bunch of things that are on my mind:

1.  Hass Avocados are one of God’s perfect creations; cut in half and get a spoon.  Doesn’t even need salt if it is just ripe enough.

2. World cup soccer makes me happy.  I am not a huge soccer fan per se, but I am a serious fan of soccer thighs.  I am certain that the current match usa vs england has the highest “hip thingie” saturation of any sporting event in history.  Dear god there are some bangin’ hot men on the field and more than one shaved head.

3. Obama is a fucking wanker. Read a headline at Hotair says something about not being able to suck up the BP oil spill with a straw.  I would argue he probably has mad straw skills from his cocaine days.  just sayin’

4. I am having a tomato phase.  I bought a pack of yellow cherry tomatoes.  Mmmm like candy.

5.  The expendables looks like fun. I know it will probably suck, but really it looks like a perfect way to spend 2 hours of my day.

One of the trailers has Arnold and Bruce in it and with the cast added in the only thing missing is Jesse Ventura.

6.  My kids are out of town and I have no idea what to do with myself.

7. The fact I have over 300 books on my kindle means I need some sort of 12 step program I think.

8. I am not a fan of the new Roku netflix interface.  I like the idea but I am just not liking the reality of it.

9. No, I do not think your EVO is The Shit. I own an iPhone.  Puhleaze.

10. The world is full of fucking idiots.

News flash: Obama is still a wanker!

High heels ladies!!

It reads like a dream order for a wild frat party: Maker’s Mark whiskey, Courvoisier cognac, Johnny Walker Red scotch, Grey Goose vodka, E&J brandy, Bailey’s Irish Crème, Bacardi Light rum, Jim Beam whiskey, Beefeater gin, Dewars scotch, Bombay Sapphire gin, Jack Daniels whiskey … and Corona beer.

But that single receipt makes up just part of the more than $101,000 taxpayers paid for “in-flight services” – including food and liquor, for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s trips on Air Force jets over the last two years. That’s almost $1,000 per week.

Courvoisier?  She must be rollin’ with Kanye these days.  Yo, Nancy was robbed!  She so totally deserved that Botox of the Year award.  Seriously though, the bar tab is interesting.  I am disappointed with the ghetto Johnny Walker Red, surely Nancy deserves Blue Label.  It is the least the American people can do for her.  2.1 million dollars over 2 years using Air Force jets as her own personal flying party bus.  Nancy deserves only the best for all the hard work she is doing.  Though if i were her I would not be too keen on pushing universal health care because she is gonna need a new liver if she keeps drinking like that. To expect Nancy to fly with the masses of unwashed is simply unthinkable.  What if they touched her?  What would happen to her fine couture clothing if she had to sit on a commercial airline seat?  Oogy pleb germs might get all over her clothes!

On to more bullshit…

Athiests.  Yeah, as a general rule I do not give a rat’s red ass about what anyone believes or doesn’t believe.  I have had non believers in my life who were good people and who did not feel the need to tell me I was a retard for believing or accusing me of taking part in the gigantic Roman Catholic Conspiracy to rule the world.  In return I didn’t tell them how sad it is that they cannot believe. Life is about personal choices and as long as those choices do not shit all over me and you live your life with integrity then we have no issues.  That said, if your particular variety of Atheism is such that you are offended by a Mother Teresa stamp, then you need to just get over your fucking inflated sense of self worth.  Seriously.  They are telling folks to boycott USPS and encourage a letter writing campaign.  Hmmm that actually may work in the USPS’s favor.  I mean maybe this was the plan all along!  No one writes letters anymore so they picked the Atheists to piss off.  They probably had a bunch of meeting to brain storm how to increase revenues.  What a bunch of fucking retards.  Btw, they had no problem with the MLK stamp or the Malcolm X stamp.  Apparently their religion didn’t negate their accomplishments.  I wonder if Dr. King would have considered his Christianity “incidental and irrelevant” to his accomplishments?  I wonder if Malcolm X would agree that Islam was not a defining force in his life?  These guys must be some sort of new retarded version of Atheists.

On a depressing note:

I visited DSW today with my rewards check and there wasn’t a fucking thing I wanted in the entire store.  I blame Obama.  I was at the mall yesterday and I visited like ten stores and nothing nothing nothing.  Everything sucks.  Skinny jeans, neon colors, bright prints.  Excuse me fashion trend deciders… I remember the 80s, and while it had some amazing things about it, fashion was not among them.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Cold shoulder shirts, leggins, boyfriend shirts with bright colors, and for the love of GOD… ballet flats.  It is fucking tragic.

On a good note:

I am totally in love with Doctor Who.  I am in the middle of season 2 and loving it.  Some of them are really stupid but in a good way.  When the BBC gets it right, they get it very right.

I have four episodes of Fringe waiting for me. I think I am going to bank about 6 of them then watch them all over a weekend!  Yay!  I love Walter.

On the “Fucking enough already” note:

I do not give a fuck about how much money Avatar has made.  Honestly I have no desire to see it.  Not because of politics, though that certainly doesn’t help, but mostly because I haven’t forgiven James Cameron for inflicting Titanic on the world.  I will never forgive him for paying Celine Dion to sing that fucking song from hell.  I will never forgive him for casting that perpetual childlike looking twit Leonardo in the film.

I also do not give a shit about Lost.  I do not care that it is the last season.  Honestly they could have added ten minutes to the last episode of season 1, sent them home, and ended the show on a high note.  It has been downhill since then.

My new thing:

I have spoken often of my coworker and favorite person ever, Sarah aka Jen’s Keeper.  She is a font of great expressions which are contagious.  It started with, “Really?”  Which she says only slightly less than she use to and I seem to say at least once an hour.  A few weeks back she started with the newest benign commentary that has taken on a life of its own.  We were working on something that probably was not ours to do but we ended up doing it and on a tight deadline when a box popped up on her laptop that says, “you have been infected with a trojan”  She sighs, rolls her eyes and clicks the “yes I will call helpdesk box” and says in total exasperated seriousness, “I do not have time for Trojans.”  The meme of the month has been “I do not have time for…”  This of course has infected me and another co-worker.

A few days ago I get a text on the way into work which said, “I do not have time for motorcycles”  meaning of course one was inhibiting her from driving her normal mach 3 speed to work.  My text reply was, “I do not have time for cars!”  This is how life goes all day, everyday.  “Jennifer, we have a meeting at 1pm”  grumble grumble “I do not have TIME for meetings.”

Things we have not had time for over the last few weeks.

People
Ovaries
Rain
Garage Door Opener Batteries
Runs in my stockings
Ghetto Shopping Malls
Parking Ticket Validation and Parking Garages… Parking in General.
Trying on Clothes
Blemishes
Deliverable Reporting
Deliverable Training
Exel
Visio
Microsoft

Yes, I am aware this if probably only amusing to us, but in the end, that is all that really matters.  As long as we are amused, everyone lives.

Some random “What the fucks…”:

What the hell is up with Luby’s?  Seriously, it is almost as expensive as going to a real restaurant.  The worst part?  What happened to the little lady with the tea cart?  She is gone!  You know what they have now?  Annoying little ladies who bother you like vulture waitresses.  I honestly think Sarah is going to stab one with a fork soon.  “Is there anything i can get you ladies?  Butter? Hot sauce? Ice?”  I kick Sarah under the table to keep her from saying, “Yes, you can get the fuck away from me and go find a goddamn tea cart!”  She is so awesome that way.  If she is like this at 23 imagine what she will be like at 40!

Drug commercials on TV: Really?  Do you feel so self conscious about the length of your eyelashes that you are going to take a drug to make them longer and thicker?  A drug that can cause some pretty weird side effects?  Do what any self respecting drag queen does, sweetie… visit the M.A.C. counter and get some fabulous false eyelashes!  The best ones are the anti-depressants drugs.  They will make you feel so much better, but by the way, if you are a guy you might get sexual disfunction.  So if you are not depressed enough for medication before you take it, you dick ceasing to function normally or your inability to ejaculate will see that you soon are.  Speaking of dicks, erections lasting longer than four hours might be a bad thing.  Contrary to popular thought and commentary from guys I know who say things like “Four hour erection?  I am not going to the emergency room!  I am going to call some people and pull out the video camera!”... this cannot be a good thing.  I hear they have to drain the blood from your dick with a needle.  I do not have a dick and the thought makes me cringe.

Amazon:  I finally get a Kindle and now Amazon and MacMillan books are in a pissing contest about pricing and some of my favorite authors are no longer available!  I bought my Kindle in an effort to keep the vampire porn flowing into my home with the least amount of effort possible.  You two guys need to figure this shit out. I do not have time for pissing matches.

Crying men on TV.  Hell crying men in general.  For fuck’s sake, get a fucking grip.  Guys crying because they are eliminated from Amazing Race or Top Chef or whatever.  Guy’s crying because life is just so fucking hard.  Find your sack, dammit.  I know we have a breast for a president, but it is soooo not ok to cry like a fucking woman. I am a woman and i do not cry as much as these bitch ass men do.  I am a woman with PMS from hell and i do not cry that much.  I am sorry your girlfriend doesn’t love you anymore. I am sorry you lost the game.  I am sorry you are so fucking pussified you cannot just say, “Fuck it, life blows sometimes… NEXT”

Fucking pet commercials.  The ones with the bulldog is fine.  I think bulldogs are pretty spiffy and I am not an animal person, but their ugliness makes me smile.  But there is one with a dog talking about being a “super pooper”.  I do not need to tell you how much this commercial disturbs me.  I do not need to hear about the shitting habits of a fucking chihuahua while I am eating dinner and watching tv.  People have fucking lost their minds with their pets in the last few years.  They are DOGS, people.  Dogs are pets.  They are DOGS!  They are not children.  They do not need a therapist, a spa, their own furniture, and they certainly do not need to be with you every second of of your life outside of work.  Do not bring Fifi to the store, the gas station, and do not even think of bringing her with you when you visit.  I do not care about your dog.  If one more person at work shows me a picture they took over the weekend and it is their ruined dog in some absurd picture I am going to lose it.  No it isn’t cute that he fell asleep on his back.  No he isn’t cute in his little hat and booties.  No she isn’t just precious in her goddamn tiara.  IT IS A FUCKING ANIMAL!  Feed it, play with it, let it be an animal not some sorry substitution for children which you are too damn irresponsible and self centered to breed for yourself.  I am really sorry that you cannot put your kids in their cage or lock them in the laundry room while you go to work or out clubbing or whatever it is you do.  Fine, do not breed, but for the love of God stop with the fucking pet insanity.  Dogs should be dogs, not pitiful codependent creatures who live only to fill your idle time and make you feel like you are nurturing something.

The fucking weather.  Enough already.  It needs to either be HOT or COLD.  This 30-50 degree temperature shifting every other day is killing me.  I do not have time for weather!

Finally… Obama.  SOTU… Fuck You, fuck you, and Fuck you.  Tax relief for millions already.  Really?  Who?  People who are not fucking paying taxes anyway?  You are a fucking boob.  Your administration is a freakin’ joke.  Your congress is skating on thin ice and your term’s second half is gonna be a whole other ballgame.

Ok… that should hold the world for a while.

Lileks does some of the best tweets…

I have to do a video tomorrow on the fact that it’s cold. Next: a guide for coping with the strange inky blackness that follows “day.”

I was reading Geek Soapbox earlier and this made me giggle: Study Finds If You Have an iPhone You’re Nuts! I enjoyed the entire article but the I laughed aloud at this…

I own and adore desperately my iPhone.  Without it, I feel uncertain and anxious, as if a very part of me has been unplugged from life and I struggle to maintain focus and balance. It’s utterly ridiculous, but I guess I’m one of the people Strand Consulting is referring to when it declares that iPhone users are delusional.

OMG!  I am like a fucking junkie three hours past needing a fix when I do not have my iPhone in my hand.  It is fucking ridiculous.  It is so bad that I must actually get a “disturbed and distraught” look on my face when I am separated from my iPhone because, Sarah aka Jen’s Keeper at work seems to know what is wrong and says, “You do not have your phone, do you?”

At one point about a month ago we were all down at corporate working on a pretty intense deadline and had walked to the break room to get coffee etc.  When we returned to the office we all were piled into and working on a freakin’ briefing I suddenly realized i didn’t have my phone.  I was looking everywhere while a coworker was trying to tell me something important.  Sarah says, “You fucking cannot find your phone; just do the work I will find it!”  she starts walking and dialing the phone, listening for my freakin’ Beyonce All the Single Ladies ring-tone.  She returns like a huntress from a safari with big game to prove her might and yes… she was mighty in my eyes!

It is so pathetic that not only can I not imagine my life without my iPhone I cannot remember life BiP (Before iPhone)!   How did I function?  How did I check my mail 900 times a day?  How did I find a Starbucks while driving and desperate for coffee?  What is 411 for?  I cannot remember!  I just open Safari and google what I want and the zip code and voila!  There is the results and a number i can click and have my wonderful gadget ask me, “Call number?”  Yes yes yes, I say!

All you Apple haters out there can bite my ass and revel in the inferiority of your Windows Mobile 6 crap.  Google android?  Whatevah!  iPhone changed my life! Not sure if it is a curse or a blessing but I am so fucking happy about it, who cares?

1.  Daughter No. 3 is on the mend and doing great.  Thanks be to God.

2. I love my new job been there almost a year and I do not want to quit!

3. My family is healthy and happy

4. Flight 1549 and a man who cannot walk on water but can land a plane on one.

5. The New Star Trek Movie!  Loved it.  Love Zachary Quinto.  Sylar is my favorite.

6.  Tea Parties, pissed off Americans, and maybe, just maybe a nation ready to say “get the fuck out of my capital” to politicians. 

7.  I rediscovered my obsessive love of jigsaw puzzles and now my obsessive DISORDER is causing them to stack up in a corner of my bedroom becuase I do not have the same obsession when it comes to putting the glue on them.

8.  Jennifer Rardin released a book for me to end the year.  I love me some Jaz Parks. Also a bunch of other great books came out this year not just the stinker on the last list.

9.  Glee.  I love Glee.  I mean I freakin LOVE GLEE.

10.  Fox didn’t cancel Fringe and therefor I love Fox!

Ten Worst Things about 2009 in no particular order and I am certain I have forgotten a great many thing. 

1.  Prince Fuknut and and his merry band of amoral surrender monkeys.

2. Laurell K. Hamilton’s  Divine Misdemeanors:  I was really looking forward to this book.  I cannot read the Anita Blake books anymore but I have always loved the Merry Gentry series.  I think that has come to an end.  She should have just added another 4 chapters to Swallowing Darkness and called the series complete.  I blame the publishers for asking for more books and the author for not just taking the series in another direction.

3. Daughter No. 3 getting sick.

4. The fact all a terrorist has to do to avoid being killed is to get caught commiting an act of terrorism on US soil; then he gets all the rights and liberties of a citizen of the very country he wants to see burn.  Barry-O is a fucking piece work. 

5.  Tiger Woods fiasco.  I do not give a flying fuck if he is banging his dog, his nanny, and the Gardener… all at the same time.  Why is this news?  Why does anyone care?  Does anyone care?  Guy at work said, “His wife is stupid if she stays with him!”  I said, “She can take half and leave or keep it all and stay.”  He says, “What?!”  I said, “I might divorce him if I were his wife, but I would probably just say, ‘Here is how it is gonna play out, Precious.  You will move into the East Wing of the estate.  You can see your kids whenever you want.  You will hand over possession of all the bank cards and you will not make a single fucking comment about a single fucking thing I buy… EVER.  And, btw… “the candy store” is close for you.  If that is not acceptable I will take my half of all your shit and you can pay me 100k a month in child support and pay the mortgage etc.  It is up to you, loverboy.”  It is that simple.  win/win for the wife.   But Jennifer, she was publicly humiliated!  Yeah? Best cure for that?  Christian Louboutin, 2010 Maserati Gran Turismo, and never having to worry about a single fucking financial issue again in your life!  Cry a little, sweetheart, then just realize you are never going to have to worry about providing for your children… EVER.  Small price.

6. Universal Healthcare actually getting voted on.  What the fuck is wrong with this country?  NO ONE WANTS THIS!  If people do not get off their asses this year and vote every single one of these cocksucking piece of shit politicians out of office I am going to fucking lose my mind. 

7.  Swine Fucking Flu!  I think they should name it the Chicken Little Flu because they have cried the Sky is falling in an effort to distract us from everything else going to hell and when the sky does fall, no one is going to pay attention.

8. Hollywood in general: Avatar, Kanye, and the hoards of libtards screeching about whatever the fuck it is they think they know but really have no clue about.

9. Janet The Sequel: No my first name aint, Baby. Its Janet… Ms. Napolitano if your nasty... Redefining Success, One Terrorist Attack at a Time! 

10.  Keith Olbermann sets record for holding down a job while deep in the throes of Tertiary syphilis

Imagine me, as president… yeah Iknow… try hard.  I am enjoying my family day with the girls and whatnot in some fabulous location, not fucking Hawaii, and I get a call, hopefully sooner than 3 hours after it happens, that says, “Yo, Oh Exalted Demure One and Leader of the Free World, some ass fuck tried to blow up a plane bound for US soil with some device he picked up in Yemen!  AQ is behind this.  Just wanted you to know, ma’am.” 

Imagine now that I am in my current state of estrogen induced delightfulness and you get something like this… “Get all the important fuckers in the room or on the horn and I will be there in a few, this gives me the ass!  I was about to eat my oyster dressing and I have to deal with this fucing shit.” 

I would of course have to get out of my flannel PJs, which would cause further deterioration of my mood, and dress appropriately to meet with the important fuckers.  I am thinking something black and severe, but with some fucking wicked hot 4 inch red stilletos that scream, I could totally punctuate your trachea with this if i were so inclined.  I would head over to wherever the fuck I had the important fuckers waiting with “that look” that makes my kids run for the hills and grown men cross their legs without knowing why on my face when I entered the room.  They would all stand up and I would say, “Sit the fuck down, everyone but the Homeland Security asshats, you fuckers can stay standing for the duration of this meeting.” 

I would sit in my chair at the head of the table and open a folder or some shit with important information and such in it.  I would briefly peruse it in total silence so everyone can be a bit more on edge.  Someone, probably some asshat from Homeland Security who knows he is fucked, would say, “Ma’am if you would have a look at the summary report…”

“Did someone hear a noise?”  I would ask one of my spiffy generals sitting around the table.  “Sounds like a buzz, very annoying.”  I would then turn to my Chief of Staff and say, “I thought we successfully got rid of all my predecessor’s idiots in Homeland Security.” 

He/she would say, “We did but rolling out the new stricter policies has been slow going.”

He/she would get The Look and then I would say something like, “Ok, guys… this seems pretty straight forward.  Let’s blow up all of Yemen for a start.  When can I expect to see some after action reports and pictures of the large craters and shit on satellite?”

The entire table would stop breathing for a few seconds, a few seconds too long and I would say, “Was that somehow unclear?  Did I stutter?”

Some advisor would say something like, “Ma’am, did you just suggest we blow up an entire country?”

“No, I didn’t suggest anything of the sort, I believe I ordered the total destruction of Yemen.  It wasn’t up for debate.  Suggesting infers a gray area that simply doesn’t exist.”  I would then pour some coffee and be pissed because there is no Ready Whip to put on the top and then point to one of the standing Homeland Security folks and say, “You, do something within your skillset, get me some fucking Ready Whip.  Can you do that without something blowing up?” 

One of my PR folks would say, “Jen, you realize there is going to be quite a bit of outrage if you simply bomb Yemen into oblivion.”

I would chuckle and say, “You are so precious.  Do you really think anyone is going to give a fuck?  Who the fuck cares about Yemen anyway?  Do I have any Yemini people in this room?  Does anyone depend on anything Yemin produces?  I googled Yemen and they export Oil, which we will own after I plant a fucking flag and claim Yemen as our newest freaking territory.  They export coffee, which we have South America for, and dried salted fish… i do not even eat dried or salted fish.  Dried salted fish is gross and smells funny, I say this is a fucking win/win for us.  We are doing the world a favor.”

“Jen…”  a General would say then clear his throat.  “Are you saying you want us to bomb Yemen into dust?” 

“Yes, Dear.  Use all those spiffy warheads I let you buy and fly over in those shiny new Aircraft and blow it to smitherines.  Fun huh?”  By this point I am pondering the fact I need a fill because my nails are getting too long and how I should be drinking a glass of wine after having eaten way too much oyster dressing and turkey which I haven’t been able to do since I am in this fucking meeting.  Everyone would be talking among themselves trying to figure out how to talk me out of my idea and I would let them for about 20 seconds then I would stand up and say, “Ok, folks… I am gonna roll.  One question before I get going.  Do we have the terrorist in custody?”

Homeland Security guy No. 3 says, “Yes, Ma’am” 

“Good, is he talking?”

“A bit.”

“Ok, get what you can out of him then put a bullet in his brain.”  I would say casually and turn to my favorite General, the one with the new planes and say, “You will let me know when the pictures of burning Yemen are available to see?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

“Awesome, you are The Shit!”  I would say as I started walking out of the room.  “The rest of you fuckers, do what you do but if i see one of you bitches on the news taking shit from The Left about this without throwing the fuck down, I will have your asses over a fire.  Tell them we blow shit up when people fuck with us, it is a simple fucking concept.”

Last thing we did before she left was put my enormous bird in its salty bath.  She says it was the most disturbing thing she has ever seen done to a bird, but I told her it was worth the work.  Salt, juices, water, brown sugar, a bottle of Reisling and a bunch of herbs… how can it not be outstanding?

I am freakin’ exhausted and need a bath.  Folks are on their way here and I am quite certain I have forgotten something I need for dinner tomorrow.  Thanksfully HEB is open until 2pm tomorrow!  Did I mention I have organized kitchen cabinets?  Outstanding!  Santa will be good to Sarah this year!  Go Sarah! /end exaltation of young co-working.

Tomorrow menu:

• Turkey goodnes


• Cornbread sausage and oyster stuffing goodness


• Peas with way too much cajun rubbed on ‘em


• Green beans


• Demure Mac & Cheese aka Death by Cheese and fat


• Rice and Gravy


• Sweet Potato Balls


• Pumpkin Pie


• Caramel Apple Pie


• Kings Hawaiian Rolls if daughter no. 4 doesn’t eat them all before tomorrow