Finally managed to get everything into a blogroll.  Also, you will notice on the inside right column there is a nifty little “Moron Headlines” feed as well.

Enjoy all the Moron Bloggers have to offer!

If anyone is interested I can send you my opml for the links and headlines for your own blog.  I am pulling all these in from Google Reader which I live and die by.  I entered them all so you wouldn’t have to.  Well at least i think so… you should be able to use my opml so lemme know if you want it.

Adobe Flex is some slick stuff and Photoshop express is free!

I am totally burned out on television shows. Nothing is amusing or appeasing me. Meh.

American Idol is total shit with the exception of that David Cook edible yummy thing. The rest, ackk. I wasn’t feelin’ yesterday so please go read Rachel Lucas’ Idol Commentary. She is far more entertaining than the actual show and hates that little monchichi doll Ramalamadingdong as well. For the record, I still hate Ryan Seacrest… lots.

Hells Kitchen was typical crap, but crap I watch just to see Gordon Ramsay say things like GET OUT YOU! and What’s wrong with you, ya Donkey! He makes me hot.

Survivor, is it even still on?

America’s Next Top Model hopped the spermwhale or skipped the albacore or whatever the phrase is, about 3 seasons ago. Tyra needs to shut the fuck up and pass the baton to someone less annoying like Christian Siriano from Project Runway. She is starting to remind me of Oprah with her diva shit.

Speaking of the Big O, the nasty one, not the fun one. Miss Winfrey is doing a show in honor of her dead dog, Sophie. I am not going to touch this, really. Ok, maybe one comment. I am not going to attack dog owners, but I have to ask the obvious question. Could you fucking be more self absorbed and freakin’ frivolous? Is it even possible? Maybe you can have another show where Obama is sanding down your corns as per his agreement for you to endorse him and attempt to get your legion of brain dead women who depend on you for their daily cry to vote for him. UGH!

What happened to Private Practice? I liked that show.

Bravo is even disappointing me a little bit with Top Chef, though it is just getting started so I will reserve my hate for a few weeks. Make me a Supermodel was not great. Not so much because it was horrible, more because it just have gone on entirely too long. The only thing I am diggin’ these days is Housewives of New York City. I miss the real estate guy.

I want some good tv. I need some good tv. Someone make a suggestion or something. If anyone puts Flavah of Love in the comments I am going mock you for the fool you are… relentlessly so.

My friend Bruce, the one who I once thought was basically me with a penis, has broken my heart today.  I am not sure there is any hope left in the world after our last conversation.  This guy is a man’s man.  Sports, hunting, conservative, great dad, devoted husband, all those delightful things.  So you will understand my devastation when I tell you how he spent his day…

He was scrap booking with his wife!   For fuck’s sake!  Is there no sanity left in the world?

I admit a certain pathological disdain for all things scrap book related.  I will probably piss off my three female readers when I say, “Scrap booking is fucking stupid.”  I am not talking about photo albums.  I am not talking about books detailing the life of your child; milestones, accomplishments etc.  I am talking about taking those time honored traditions and fucking putting fuu fuu paper with ribbons and little plastic sparkly thingies everywhere around them.  Ugh.

The industry is brilliant really.  Right up there with freakin’ pet day spas and doggie couture.  In fact it is exactly like those things.

Examples:  (I am going to be a bitch here… bear with me.)

Wtf is that?  Is there a child in there somewhere?  Probably, but who the fuck can tell because of all the fucking buttons and ribbons.  (I am actually hiving up at this point.)

What a fantastic picture of a beautiful child with her toy and blanket.  Imagine how amazing that would look if you could actually see the picture!  This would be stunning in a really nice leather bound or handmade paper book with pretty picture corners on black paper.  You would see those eyes that appear to be full of life.

I think there are actually some pictures in there somewhere.  The worst thing about all this god forsaken floof?  You cannot actually look at these things very often because they will fall apart if you handle them too much!

Dear God the amount of money you can drop doing this stuff!  Have a look at the OCD enabling suppliers!

You womenfolk want to do this?  Fine!  Have at it!  But for all that’s holy, leave the men out of it!  The idea of Bruce using that little clipper thingie that makes the corners round makes me itch.  The visual of this man using special fru fru scissors with changeable blades to get really neato edges on paper makes me want to set something on fire!

I can only sit here and hope that he did this for some sort of sexual compensation, but even then I am not sure the price was worth it.   The most horrible thing of all?  He said he had a good time doing it.

Ugh…

I am thinking about offering a reward for the return of Bruce’s balls.  Seriously, if I didn’t have such great affection for this man I would have been much harder on him.  For God’s sake, Bruce… next time just go shoe shopping with her and hold her purse while she tries on 80 pairs of the same shoe!  At least that way you are in possession of your balls, even if they are in their new home, HER PURSE!

P.S. to Womenfolk who scrapbook:  I really am not a total bitch, but you people are messing with my men, dammit.

P.P.S to Bruce:  You know I love you, shit head.  There is no end to the amount of shit you will hear about this.  I suggest you go kill a wild boar with your bare hands to redeem your man cred…

P.P.P.S. to Reader:  I invited Bruce to write a few things on this blog about 6 months ago.  I am thinking this might get him motivated to defend himself.  Maybe?

Not only do i have a new coffee pot, I have the coffee pot I have been wanting for a year, though not in the right color. Let me set the stage for you…

7:30am Jennifer gets out of bed at the sound of rugrats bickering and making way too much noise. She stumbles across the townhouse, throws open the door where all the rugrats are gathered making their horrible noises and she screams like an insane woman, threatening them all with bodily harm if they do not shush.

7:35am Jennifer goes to make a pot of coffee in an attempt to believe once again that all is right with the world. Jennifer loves coffee. Jennifer NEEDS coffee.

7:40am After cleaning the pot she pours in 8 cups of water as she does every morning. She looks at the gauge and it says 4 cups. Being that she hasn’t had her first cup of coffee, Jennifer thinks, “Ok, I must have only measured 4 cups” and puts 4 more cups in the pot.

7:40:35am Jennifer hears water dripping and notices her feet are getting wet.
7:41am Jennifer begins cursing like a sailor who just had his shore leave revoked.

7:45am After cleaning up the water she tries again and with God’s Most Perfect Coffee: Caribou French Roast. Jennifer is feeling optimistic that this water issue is just a freak event, The Coffee Gods would not smite her so.

7:55am Coffee is done and Jennifer walks over with her giant mug full of creamer and splenda, slightly shaking from intense yearning. She pours the coffee and blinks her eyes several times at the tea like color of her coffee.

7:55:30am Jennifer begins cursing like a sailor who just had his shore leave revoked AGAIN.

(more…)

Flip Video

This is the only Someecards.com Easter card which isn’t going to offend anyone. The others are hilarious as well.

It is glorious in San Antonio today.  It has been so for a few days.  Spring is here or Summer Light as we like to call it.  The sun is shining and it is shaping up to be another mild and sunny day.  I have been putting off taking care of the last bit of settling in after my move and today I have to do it.  So i am going to assemble the last of the girl’s new beds so they are no longer sleeping on a mattress on the floor like some sort of savages.

It is Easter Egg night.  Woo woo.  Gotta dye them babies so they can hide and hunt them tomorrow after church.  The plan is to make egg salad as soon as they leave to visit their Dad in the afternoon.  I loves me some egg salad.

I decided a few years ago Easter had to be an easier holiday for me.  I do not cook a huge meal and usually I do not have extended family and friends here on this holiday.  I got a boneless ham to bake and some fingerling potatoes to bake with all sorts of good buttery seasoning.  I haven’t decided on the token veggie though I do have the stuff to make the cucumber and sour cream salad of Kat’s that I love so much.

The trick to Easter is to hide all the candy the kids get at the first opportunity.  Hide it from them, but more importantly hide it from yours truly.  There is a perfect confection in this world and it is the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg.  Oh how I love the creamy salty goodness that melts in my mouth.  Every year I say I am not going to buy them and every year I manage to buy them.  They are the heroin of candy.  The only thing in the same ballpark are those Ferrer Roche thingies, not the gold foil ones, but the silver ones.  They are some sort of toasted coconut decadence and you can only buy them in a box with the others.  They are little nuggets of heaven.

Well the purpose of this entry was not so much to keep you all on the edge of your seats as to the details of my day as much as to give me yet another opportunity to stall about said tasks.    I cannot stall any longer.  I shall return.  If I am not back by this afternoon, call the president.

While I am female perfection, even I will admit there are a handful of days a month you really should tread lightly. The best of women have some mood issues. The following ten simple tips could save you much pain, many unnecessary fights, and perhaps even your life.

1. Understand you are wrong. It is a simple thing.


2. Be particularly aware of your tone of voice. If you are not capable of keeping it kind, loving, and benign, do not speak. Five days of silence can be a good thing.


3. Do not ever say “The house is a wreck.” Even if you do not mean for her to get up and clean it she is going to take it as a personal attack. Just clean it or let it go.


4. Do not take your shower before she has a chance to take her bath. Nothing will set off a berserker blood lust like a fucking luke warm bath because you had to have a hot shower first.


5. Do not eat the last cookie, piece of chocolate, or drink the last can of Coke Zero. Only woe lies there and you really do not need it nearly as badly as she does.


6. If she wants to watch BravoTV all day, that is ok. Even if it is the twenty-fifth rerun of Season 4 Project Runway. She fucking likes the fashion, leave her the hell alone. Have you no soul?


7. This is an excellent time to be the greatest Dad in the world. Take the kids to see a movie in the morning. This will totally be appreciated and when the time comes you will sooooo get laid for doing this.


8. When she says, “I love Rocky Road Ice Cream” it is code for; “If you fucking loved me at any point in our life together you would get up and go buy me some.” Suggesting she eat the ice cream you actually have in the freezer is not going to do anything but prove you are no longer deeply in love with her. She simply wants what isn’t in the freezer. If you had Rocky Road she would want Tin Roof or Caramel Turtle Fudge.


9. It is perfectly acceptable and understandable when every fourth sentence out of her mouth is, “God, my tits hurt.” They do, you insensitive bastards.


10. Finally, giggling as she constantly drops stuff, loses stuff, or huffs around talking to herself is not going to make anything better. While it might seem amusing to you and amusing to her any other time of the month, at that moment you might as well be waving a red cape at her and taunting her with a reese’s peanut butter egg. It aint cute.

So there you have it, Demure Thoughts PSA #1; read it, learn it, live it.

Ok, I love getting my hair done and it has been months since the last time. I always make the girl flat iron it because I like to see it straight every now and then. I own a flat iron, but well that is WAY too much effort and time.

New Hair! Yay! /end girl moment.

Straight Hair! Well as straight as mine gets!

I am always raving and stressing the importance of my eyebrow girl, Kerry. She is a goddess among women and I had those done last week. The Jennifer, her eyebrows are Super Fantastic. (this week… next week Yeti Time.)

Anyway, I am going clean house and thought I would leave you with the cocked eyebrow above that shows exactly how much I want to clean freakin’ house!