“We need to open a dialog…”

You know what?  The next person I hear say this I am going to open a hole in their ass the size of my foot.  Open a fucking dialog with the terrorists Iran.  Open a dialog with my ass, dammit.  Fuck dialog.  Dialog doesn’t get shit done.  I know this! I work for the fucking government!

“Global Climate Change”

Yes, assholes.  I like to call these things that happen periodically seasons.  Ok, I know that is not what they mean, but still.  I firmly believe if Al Gore and the rest of his disciples would just shut the fuck up there would be a dramatic Global Cooling.  Speaking that cocksucking piece of human waste.  Took him about five minutes to say what we knew was coming.  Rosetta sums ups my thoughts pretty accurately…

“Presidential Exploratory Committee”

Also known as Giant Scam whereby the federal government pisses away more of my tax dollars. I would like to have an exploratory committee tasked to find out if exploratory committees actually accomplish anything.  I am smart that way.  You do not just have these inspirational thoughts.  You have to work for the government to get them.  We are a special kind of special.

I will add more as they occur to me…

via: Ace

Global Warming Loon of the Day Winner is… Dr. McPherson:

Dr. McPherson has a bachelor’s degree in forest resources from the University of Idaho, a master’s degree in range science from Texas Tech University and a doctorate in range science from Texas Tech.

Not to knock Texas Tech, a fine fine university, but they should have throttled this guy. I have a dear friend who is totally into the whole save Gaia thing and he has trouble with me because I am the ultimate skeptic. I cannot help it. Anytime you have people screaming, screeching and calling wolf every five minutes it tends to dilute the message. Add it to obviously bad science and a Spokesman For Gaia who is a sanctimonious asshat who suffers from delusions of grandeur and I am not buying.

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• giggle *

  And Bush is a Liar?  Give me a break.  I cannot remember the last time this fucker said something that wasn’t a distortion or just a flat out lie.   No doubt the entire thing is raaaaaaaacists because he looks kind of dark in that footage,  just sayin’...

  via: Perfunction

1. Oprah Winfrey makes me want to break things. I was enjoying my trip to the book store until I saw her magazine with her bulldog mug on it at the check out. It totally fucked with my chi.
2. Stupid people outnumber us 1,000:1 easily.
3. I have gotten more combative in my dotage. If you are a smart ass clerk, salesperson, or anyone working in the service industry; prepare for war.
4. If I have to listen to one more “True Believer” tell me how great Obama is, I might get violent.
5. I despise gum chewing and it should be illegal.
6. Calling Hillary Clinton a Fucking Whore is just silly. I feel certain she hasn’t been fucking anyone or anything in years. How old is Chelsae? 20something?
7. Keith Olbermann is a cocksucking lunatic. Seriously, the man isn’t well.
8. I like cheese.
9. I feel certain the Hobbits are all gay.
10. I blame my mood on that idiot with his kid on his motorcycle.

You know who you are. You are the irresponsible asshole who picked up your kid from religious education class on your crotch rocket styled motorcycle. From this point on in the article you will be referred to as Idiot Asshole.

Idiot Asshole, you picked up a beautiful, tiny little daughter probably around 7 years old. You put a helmet on her and tossed her behind you. You shot out of the parking lot without a care in the world. I was right behind your stupid ass. I was the apoplectic mother praying you were going to pull into a driveway right down the street. I nearly threw up when I watched you pulled onto the highway with this beautiful child not big enough to wrap her arms around your body. I watched you take off like a rocket and all I could do was pray. Pray that this child didn’t end up a meat waffle because of you, Idiot Asshole.

I am sure you love your daughter. That said. You are a fucking idiot and an asshole. If she cannot wrap her arms around you, what makes you think she will stay on the back of that bike if you have to swerve for something? Are you out of your fucking mind!? We have already established you are an idiot asshole, but are you truly out of your mind?

You know the only person crazier than your ass? The stupid ass mother of this child you lets you do this!

Look, I am not trying to be a bitch here, Idiot Asshole. I think a grown up on a motorcycle is perfectly fine. If you want to fly down the express way begging to be an organ donor, so be it.

I even get the thrill. It isn’t usually your fault when accidents happen, but that doesn’t make it any more safe and frankly it is a risk I do not understand and as an adult choose not to engage in, but I do not begrudge you this hobby. I am just a wuss. No need to hate me, I think they are sexy and all those things, I am just not there. I have too many kids to risk some inattentive driver in a car running me into an early grave.

Getting on a motorcycle with a child who is still suppose to be in a fucking booster seat inside the car and tearing out of a parking lot and onto an expressway full of idiot drivers is the height of irresponsibility and it makes you a what? That’s right! An Idiot Asshole.

You cannot legally put your child in the back of a truck and drive down the road. Why? How? What kind of insanity is it you can put them on the back of a motorcycle and hit the road like a bat out of hell?

I was astounded, angry, and wanted to pull you over and punch you in the fucking nose. I really did. Instead, I just said a prayer and hoped the old saying was true: God takes care of fools and babies.

If you read this, Idiot Asshole with the green motorcycle, pull your head out of your ass and remember she is just a baby; more breakable and valuable than you.

You all know I hate Oprah. I find her to be beyond a narcissist. I have also come to realize over the years she epitomizes the saying, “Money doesn’t buy you happiness.” Whether it is her weight going up and down, which say what you want, we all know that yo-yo dieting is something you do when you are unhappy with yourself so you lose weight. Then you start stressing and life starts being harder and you eat your weight back on + 10 pounds. Repeating often for typical results.

She has a fucking magazine or is it two now where she puts her own face on the cover of every single issue. She preaches about knowing yourself and doing good things but seems only interested in making sure everyone is aware of how wealthy she is and how she spends her money. She devotes hour long shows to over the top retail therapy a couple of times a year.

She has a media empire. She is one of the richest people in the world with a cult like following of women who tune in everyday to feel better about themselves and cry. Ugh. She was in a very long relationship and couldn’t bring herself to marry. She seems to have only one person she trusts, this Gayle person. She has gone from one self help philosophy to another, over and over. She is lost, this is not hard to see.

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at mailed me this article and thought I would find it interesting. i find it damn near perfection with only a few minor disagreements, but I will leave those a mystery. “Just Fucking Fuck Me, Already!”

It is a safe to click link, but it is an explicit article so be warned.

It is a plea and a PSA all rolled up into one. This broad pretty much hits the nail on the head. I will post a few highlights, but you really need to go read it, all of you. I wish I would have had this a few weeks ago doing the gender wars around Ace Of Spades HQ and Jawa Report. I am not linking to them, they are best left alone, but still, this would have been fun to toss on the fire. Also, there seems to be this whole thing going on around the blog world about Beta Males. This is apropos

She starts off gentle…

Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

Then she gets seriously to the point… do not continue if you do not want to read some pretty direct language, even for me.

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Created by OnePlusYou

Around 35.4% of the pages on your website contain cussing.This is 343% MORE than other websites who took this test.

This is not nearly fucking high enough. I feel cheated.

My friend Bruce, the one who I once thought was basically me with a penis, has broken my heart today.  I am not sure there is any hope left in the world after our last conversation.  This guy is a man’s man.  Sports, hunting, conservative, great dad, devoted husband, all those delightful things.  So you will understand my devastation when I tell you how he spent his day…

He was scrap booking with his wife!   For fuck’s sake!  Is there no sanity left in the world?

I admit a certain pathological disdain for all things scrap book related.  I will probably piss off my three female readers when I say, “Scrap booking is fucking stupid.”  I am not talking about photo albums.  I am not talking about books detailing the life of your child; milestones, accomplishments etc.  I am talking about taking those time honored traditions and fucking putting fuu fuu paper with ribbons and little plastic sparkly thingies everywhere around them.  Ugh.

The industry is brilliant really.  Right up there with freakin’ pet day spas and doggie couture.  In fact it is exactly like those things.

Examples:  (I am going to be a bitch here… bear with me.)

Wtf is that?  Is there a child in there somewhere?  Probably, but who the fuck can tell because of all the fucking buttons and ribbons.  (I am actually hiving up at this point.)

What a fantastic picture of a beautiful child with her toy and blanket.  Imagine how amazing that would look if you could actually see the picture!  This would be stunning in a really nice leather bound or handmade paper book with pretty picture corners on black paper.  You would see those eyes that appear to be full of life.

I think there are actually some pictures in there somewhere.  The worst thing about all this god forsaken floof?  You cannot actually look at these things very often because they will fall apart if you handle them too much!

Dear God the amount of money you can drop doing this stuff!  Have a look at the OCD enabling suppliers!

You womenfolk want to do this?  Fine!  Have at it!  But for all that’s holy, leave the men out of it!  The idea of Bruce using that little clipper thingie that makes the corners round makes me itch.  The visual of this man using special fru fru scissors with changeable blades to get really neato edges on paper makes me want to set something on fire!

I can only sit here and hope that he did this for some sort of sexual compensation, but even then I am not sure the price was worth it.   The most horrible thing of all?  He said he had a good time doing it.

Ugh…

I am thinking about offering a reward for the return of Bruce’s balls.  Seriously, if I didn’t have such great affection for this man I would have been much harder on him.  For God’s sake, Bruce… next time just go shoe shopping with her and hold her purse while she tries on 80 pairs of the same shoe!  At least that way you are in possession of your balls, even if they are in their new home, HER PURSE!

P.S. to Womenfolk who scrapbook:  I really am not a total bitch, but you people are messing with my men, dammit.

P.P.S to Bruce:  You know I love you, shit head.  There is no end to the amount of shit you will hear about this.  I suggest you go kill a wild boar with your bare hands to redeem your man cred…

P.P.P.S. to Reader:  I invited Bruce to write a few things on this blog about 6 months ago.  I am thinking this might get him motivated to defend himself.  Maybe?

Gotta love some Revisionists History on a Sunday Morning…