This is why…

Karl Urban… yum.

You all know I hate Oprah. I find her to be beyond a narcissist. I have also come to realize over the years she epitomizes the saying, “Money doesn’t buy you happiness.” Whether it is her weight going up and down, which say what you want, we all know that yo-yo dieting is something you do when you are unhappy with yourself so you lose weight. Then you start stressing and life starts being harder and you eat your weight back on + 10 pounds. Repeating often for typical results.

She has a fucking magazine or is it two now where she puts her own face on the cover of every single issue. She preaches about knowing yourself and doing good things but seems only interested in making sure everyone is aware of how wealthy she is and how she spends her money. She devotes hour long shows to over the top retail therapy a couple of times a year.

She has a media empire. She is one of the richest people in the world with a cult like following of women who tune in everyday to feel better about themselves and cry. Ugh. She was in a very long relationship and couldn’t bring herself to marry. She seems to have only one person she trusts, this Gayle person. She has gone from one self help philosophy to another, over and over. She is lost, this is not hard to see.

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You know, you gotta love Dolly.  If you hate Dolly you are a troglodyte.  Seriously, she is The Shit.  I just flipped onto the Idol Results show and there she is singing Jesus and Gravity. She is and always has been a cartoon of femininity and you know what?  She fucking owns it and she takes it to the bank.

I am totally burned out on television shows. Nothing is amusing or appeasing me. Meh.

American Idol is total shit with the exception of that David Cook edible yummy thing. The rest, ackk. I wasn’t feelin’ yesterday so please go read Rachel Lucas’ Idol Commentary. She is far more entertaining than the actual show and hates that little monchichi doll Ramalamadingdong as well. For the record, I still hate Ryan Seacrest… lots.

Hells Kitchen was typical crap, but crap I watch just to see Gordon Ramsay say things like GET OUT YOU! and What’s wrong with you, ya Donkey! He makes me hot.

Survivor, is it even still on?

America’s Next Top Model hopped the spermwhale or skipped the albacore or whatever the phrase is, about 3 seasons ago. Tyra needs to shut the fuck up and pass the baton to someone less annoying like Christian Siriano from Project Runway. She is starting to remind me of Oprah with her diva shit.

Speaking of the Big O, the nasty one, not the fun one. Miss Winfrey is doing a show in honor of her dead dog, Sophie. I am not going to touch this, really. Ok, maybe one comment. I am not going to attack dog owners, but I have to ask the obvious question. Could you fucking be more self absorbed and freakin’ frivolous? Is it even possible? Maybe you can have another show where Obama is sanding down your corns as per his agreement for you to endorse him and attempt to get your legion of brain dead women who depend on you for their daily cry to vote for him. UGH!

What happened to Private Practice? I liked that show.

Bravo is even disappointing me a little bit with Top Chef, though it is just getting started so I will reserve my hate for a few weeks. Make me a Supermodel was not great. Not so much because it was horrible, more because it just have gone on entirely too long. The only thing I am diggin’ these days is Housewives of New York City. I miss the real estate guy.

I want some good tv. I need some good tv. Someone make a suggestion or something. If anyone puts Flavah of Love in the comments I am going mock you for the fool you are… relentlessly so.

I am totally hot for Gordon Ramsay, just FYI.

More on this later.

Ok, I am done for the season with just about everyone.  I am gonna watch it on the DVR later to see David Cook, Michael Johns, and… well, nobody else.  I will update on this later.

I think I am gonna post as I go tonight… sorry about the typos in advance. I am in Oak Pollen HELL, tonight. To start the night… I HATE RYAN SEACREST.

Theme: Year You Were Born

Ramielle: 1987 She sure freakin’ talks a lot. STFU and sing… or whatever it is you do. Did I mention I was in a bad mood? Heart’s Alone... I have a bad feeling about this. Bitch is gonna fuck with Ann Wilson perfection. OH GOD! MAKE. IT. STOP. My ears! Ugh… THAT SUCKED ASS.

Randy: wrong song choice. Too big a song.

Paula: Fucking blah blah blah. Bitch is shit faced, that or her face is droopy for some reason.

Simon: In a Nutshell: If you got through last week after sucking shit, this was better than that, so you should be fine. Hah.

Paula has on these stupid freakin’ gloves. As Christian would say, She needs some gays.

While there is a commercial on: I would like to state that I am disgusted. I graduated in 1987 and the slaughter of a song so near and dear to me at 18 is almost more than I can bear. I fear for the tone of the rest of this posting. Definitely “R” rated.

I have an overwhelming urge to strangle Ryan.

Jason: 1987 Please sing something good, Jason. I like you. Pretty eyed boy. He would be really handsome with real hair. Ok, my kids were screaming and my husband was talking. I have no idea what he is singing. Fragile I think. He is less annoying than Ramalamadingdong or whatever her name is. Ok, he was good. Of course everything sounds good after the previous. He sounds stoned when he talks.

Randy: Good choice. Liked the Spanish touch. (He was singing in spanish? I am medicated folks.)

Paula: This bitch never says anything. Btw, half her dress is gone. Looks like she got in a bar fight.

Simon: Two bad weeks. Please take this more seriously. Yeah, whatever. (more…)

Didn’t we fucking have Paul and John last week?  Wtf?  There better be some Sgt. Pepper in here or I am gonna get cranky.

Amanda:  Back in the USSR is the song… Is it me or does she sound like she is singing the same song every week?  Just sayin’.

Randy: was good, not great

Paula: blabbering nonsense.  You are quintessential, unique, you are who you are!  (wtf does that mean?)

Simon: Predictable.

(more…)

I hate production numbers. I mean I fucking hate them and their Up With People fucking vibe. Argh.

Update: This show could take place in the span of two commercial breaks if we didn’t have to endure the fucking “recaps”. I am not feelin’ it tonight.

Update: Carly is safe, duh. Michael Johns aka “Jennifer’s Lust Toy” is safe. Jason Castro with the pretty eyes is safe. Sayanara, girl needs to comb that hair a bit. Bottom three, uhm… DUH.

UGH Paula is dancing in place like some sort of a bad flashback to Square Pegs 80’s esque accckk.

You know what i need? Cookies. I need gooey chocolate cookies. And a Coach Bag. Oh yeah and some new sneakers.

UPDATE: Jacuzzi is safe, Ryan is a cocksucker and he wants the juice of the dark berry by the way he is looking at Jacuzzi. Poor guy is terrified. Amanda is safe. David Cook… mmmm lose the hat dipshit. He is safe. Kristy, the lovely girl, she is in the bottom three… duh.

Oh good, waste my time with more bullshit. Phone calls from fans, gag STOP NOW!

Kat McPhee looks great. For some reason she looks like a healthier version of Posh to me.

Can we belabor this anymore? Seriously. I hate you FOX. I. HATE. YOU.

UPDATE: David Muffaletta is safe. Brooke is cute and safe, of course. We love Brooke. Stripper Boy and Ramiele are left…. Stripper Boy is on the bottom… probably a familiar memory from his dancin’ career. Oh… that was crass, even for me.

I say, Blondie is going home. Though they all sucked. Finally… lets get this over with… I have Top Chef to watch. Shut the fuck up, Paula. Sayanara is safe… for now.  Stripper boy is going home!  Holy shit.  He sucked, but they sucked so much more!  This is moms not letting their teenagers vote for a gay male dancer?  Maybe?