Why I Identify Republican:
Because i am not a nihilistic, egotistical, self absorbed, douche bag.
10 Things Which Should Get You Culled From The Herd:
- Failing to give the obligatory “thank you” wave to the car that lets you cut in front of them.
- Excessive use of punctuation. Whoever decided typing more than one ! after their words imparted urgency was misinformed. More than one ! imparts you are either 12 years old or a weener.
- Whining. Children whine because they have no other skills to convey their unhappiness or discomfor. This, as a mother of four, I have grown to endure. However, grown men and women whining is simply something I cannot tolerate. These people have only one purpose in life. That would be to suck as many normal people as possible into the psychodrama that defines their very existence.
- Taking your yipping fucking dog with you everywhere you go.
- Allowing your two year old to rule you in public. Seriously, If I see one more parent trying to reason with their toddler who refuses to either cross the street or get in the stroller I am going to unload. They are two years old. There is no reasoning with them. Imagine they are a full grown liberal… that should help. Just pick their cranky asses up and exert your authority. It is your job.
- Gum smacking.
- Failing to set adequate expectations of your kids behavior. This is akin to #5, but more about older kids.
- Making me go to meetings.
- Not appreciating the perfection that is an avocado.
- Having children and failing to understand you are responsible for funding their upbringing, even if you divorce their mother or father.
10 Words or Phrase Mutiliations Which Are Guaranteed to Make me Want to Punch You In the Throat for Saying Them:
- LiBERRY (I hear educated people say this all the time)
- I HANGED out with my friends today… (Really? Where? In the gallows by your neck? Because that is the only time I can think of that fucking word works!)
- Happy ValenTIMES day!
- For all INTENSIVE PURPOSES. (Intents and purposes, fuknuts!)
- interpretate instead of interpret. Dear God…
- Should of instead of Should Have or Should’ve.
- never… ever… AX me a question.
- SimUlar when you mean Similar. Simular is a word, it just doesn’t mean what you think it means.
8 Corporate Conspiracies That Must Be Stopped!
- Wieners vs Buns: Why is the number of weenies per package different than the number of hotdog buns per package? This is just sick. There are 10 weenies and 8 buns in the standard packs. You have to like buy 4 packs of weenies and 5 packs of bun to break even and whole the hell eats 40 hotdogs?
- Bacon: What idiot decided bacon should come in a 12oz package? Like all other meats, bacon should be sold by the pound. 12oz indeed!
- Canned Goods: Why is it my canned goods come in 14.5oz volumes? Never fails that I need 16 oz of say carrots or beans in my recipe and the can only has 14.5oz. So I am forced to buy another can, because they certainly do not sell a 1.5oz can to make up the deficit.
- Feminine Products: How many fucking varieties of crammers and rags does one society require? I have covered this extensively in Femme Products Vol I & Femme Products Vol II.
- Ranch Salad Dressing: This is really a pisser. You go to the store, you turn down the salad dressings and condiment aisle and you think you are just going to grab the bottle Hidden Valley Ranch and go. But noooooooo. There are like 50 freakin’ varieties of Ranch now. Onion Ranch, Salsa Ranch, Dijon Ranch, Bacon Ranch, Lite Ranch, and every other possible bastardization of the true Ranch. I just want the freaking Ranch. If this was not bad enough. ALL the packaging is the same. The words Bacon, Lite, Zesty, and Fat Free are small additions to the standard Ranch label. So on more than one occasion I have brought home that Fat Free Puke version.
- Sex in Advertising: Using sex is nothing new, I know. I can see why they do it with any product they can. Lingerie, candy, perfumes, etc. I would like to note the recent lows. 1. Peddling Uncle Ben’s Rice Bowls with sex. Gives new meaning to Broccoli Cheese Rice. 2. I saw some diarrhea medication commercial, I think it was Immodium, and it is this guy in a hot tub with a pair of sex kittens and they think he is “intersting” then he has a bowel spasm and runs off. First, the idea that a person with a raging case of the trots would have the nerve to get in a public hot tub, basically turning it into a giant pitre dish for his ass bacteria, is disturbing enough but to use it as a marketing tool is just beyond me. The fucking Quizno’s commercial with the gal looking like she wants to deep throat the sub sandwhich. Ugh…
- Cable TV: Why the fuck can I not unsubscribe to the 800,000 TV radio channels that clog up my guide? Why am I paying for 800,000 channels of muzak?
- Coffee: Why the hell can they not put a decent recommended amount on the canister? A chart or something? If I buy dark roast anything it should be stronger, no? Nooooooo. Anytime I buy a new coffee I always have to waste at least two pots before I figure out the magic combination to get a decent strong pot of coffee that doesn’t resemble tar or weak tea.
I would like to preface this by saying I am a HUGE fan of fashion. If I was wealthy I would be dangerous with the clothes/shoes/handbags. I love make-up and product. My love for fashion and its creators is only matched by my disgust with those who abuse fashion or bastardize it and call it art.
Following is my list of things fashion related I find absurd or down right blasphemous.
Pre-Ragged Out Clothing:
I am pretty open to odd fashion trends. I might not wear them, but I can usually appreciate the aesthetic or what is motivating the designers or trend. I can get on board with the jeans that maybe have a bit of worn pieces. Nothing major, just a bit weathered and no holes. That said; the trend with t-shirts looking like the manufacturer hired a tribe of third worlders to wear said shirt around for a month then gathered them back up, washed them, applied some amazing silk screen art to the shirt, and shipped them off to the states to be sold for $79 a pop is just fucking stupid. It is not, however, as stupid as the assholes buying them.
Super Low Rise Jeans a.k.a “Pubic Rise” as coined by The Demure One
Ladies, even if you have a smokin’ hot body, there is nothing cute about these. Tip #1: If you cannot wear your jeans without first getting a Brazilian Bikini Wax, your fucking jeans are too low. Men, you look gay in these. If you are gay, you look like a 16 year old street hustler. Not good. The regular low rise is plenty low to let me enjoy the hip thingie.
Regurgitation of 80’s Fashion:
Dear God in Heaven, I survived it real time. I loved the 80’s. Great music. Great movies. Great time in the 20th century to grow up. Fashion, however… not so much. Big hair, polyesther, head bands, fingerless gloves. Long shirts with a band at the bottom, leggings, pegged jeans, and Flashdance inspired shirts with no neck band hanging off the shoulders. Ugh… WIDE BELTS!
The Over-Marketing of Victoria Secret
Enough already, this is freakin’ underwear. It is not even sexy, high quality, expensive underwear. The catalogs are full of really awful photography and the products themselves are average. Yeah, the models look great, but well they would look great wearing bvds and sweats. The stores are slightly less cheap and have some spiffy pjs, but the catalogs are whorrendous.
If you really want to see drop dead sexy lingerie with awesome photography, check out La Perla Lingerie. This makes VS look like the Frederick’s of Hollywood 5 for $10 panty bin.
I am all for comfort, but jeeze, there has to be a point where you say to yourself, “This is just too frickin’ ugly.”
The bastard offspring of Candies and Birkinstock. I hate them. I hate the stupid little lug or nugs or whatever those things are you they sucker stupid parents into buynig at $15 bucks a pair to stick in the holes in a vain effort to decorate these hideous abominations and affront to the Shoe Gods.
Unless they are athletic shoes, you are under 12, or you are getting married, I cannot think of a single reason you should wear them. Especially bright white patten leather pumps. You might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says, “Hey Look! There is a pair of giant white feet coming your way!”
If you are over 14 you should know, you look absurd. Is it really necessary to wear a bow the size of your head? Frankly, I do not see girls with bows often over the age of a five. However, I seen grown ass women over 30 wearing them on occasion and I fight the urge to go and snatch it off their head. Stop the insanity.
Droop Doggie Dog Jeans
Ok, for the record, once and for all. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing appealing, fashionable, or acceptable about jeans so baggy you are either constantly pulling them up or you have enough room in you billowing crotch to store food for the winter. Warning to any male who arrives at my home in the future to pick one of my daughters up for a date: You will not make it into the door. In fact, there is a serious change you will leave crying and/or bleeding.
Abercrombie & Fitch
Baggie jeans, flannel shirts, cotton t’s all for about 500 bucks an outfit. There is a fool born everyday. Get a clue, the guy who got his at walmart looks exactly the same as you and he isnt walking around with empty pockets. Am I saying buy all your clothes at Wal-Mart? No. But if you are going to spend that much money make sure they do not sell the same look at Wal-Mart.