By jen
I have been spouting off since 9/11 about why the fuck are we creating another piece of shit government agency to deal with Airport Security? Why are we not just writing the Israelis a nice big fat check and a open ended government contract to handle all our airport security? Hubby sent me an article the other day that definitely makes the case for it. Great stuff…
A couple of my favorite points the author makes, and many are made…
Five security layers down: you now finally arrive at the only one which Ben Gurion airport shares with Pearson – the body and hand-luggage check.
“But here it is done completely, absolutely 180 degrees differently than it is done in North America,” Sela said.
“First, it’s fast – there’s almost no line. That’s because they’re not looking for liquids, they’re not looking at your shoes. They’re not looking for everything they look for in North America. They just look at you,” said Sela. “Even today with the heightened security in North America, they will check your items to death. But they will never look at you, at how you behave. They will never look into your eyes … and that’s how you figure out the bad guys from the good guys.”
Of course they don’t look anyone in the eyes! This is America and that requires a fucking spine as a populous. We have spent two generations weeding these horrible habits out of our citizens. Do not make eye contact. There is a fucking major corporation, which will remain nameless, who actually has a policy on how much eye contact is acceptable before it is “threatening”. That number is less than five seconds. Are you fucking kidding me?
“Do you know why Israelis are so calm? We have brutal terror attacks on our civilians and still, life in Israel is pretty good. The reason is that people trust their defence forces, their police, their response teams and the security agencies. They know they’re doing a good job. You can’t say the same thing about Americans and Canadians. They don’t trust anybody,” Sela said. “But they say, `So far, so good.’ Then if something happens, all hell breaks loose and you’ve spent eight hours in an airport. Which is ridiculous. Not justifiable.”
It is fucking sticking your head in the sand. That is what this country has become of late. How do I know this? Because countries like Afghanistan and Yemen etc still fucking exist! They haven’t be wiped off the map on sheer fucking principle for fucking with our way of life. Prince Fuknut isn’t the problem so much as the culmination of the pussification of America. He cannot even say the word terrorist. He is so fucking politically correct and so fucking dickless that he cannot conceive of there being a scenario he cannot buy/spend his way out of.
We do not have a terrorist problem in this country, people! We have a Healthcare crisis. Yes yes we do. Really, I mean it. That is the central crisis we face. Yes yes it is… move along now.. nothing happening here… nothing happening in Detroit… oh no no no that wasn’t a terrorist attack! It was an alleged attempted possible thingie to maybe on an off chance render a large number of Americans permanently unable to breathe on a day that misguided and uneducated masses celebrate the birth of the alleged son of some “divine” being.
By jen
Let’s start off with the amusing stuff.
Lileks does some of the best tweets…
I have to do a video tomorrow on the fact that it’s cold. Next: a guide for coping with the strange inky blackness that follows “day.”
I was reading Geek Soapbox earlier and this made me giggle: Study Finds If You Have an iPhone You’re Nuts! I enjoyed the entire article but the I laughed aloud at this…
I own and adore desperately my iPhone. Without it, I feel uncertain and anxious, as if a very part of me has been unplugged from life and I struggle to maintain focus and balance. It’s utterly ridiculous, but I guess I’m one of the people Strand Consulting is referring to when it declares that iPhone users are delusional.
OMG! I am like a fucking junkie three hours past needing a fix when I do not have my iPhone in my hand. It is fucking ridiculous. It is so bad that I must actually get a “disturbed and distraught” look on my face when I am separated from my iPhone because, Sarah aka Jen’s Keeper at work seems to know what is wrong and says, “You do not have your phone, do you?”
At one point about a month ago we were all down at corporate working on a pretty intense deadline and had walked to the break room to get coffee etc. When we returned to the office we all were piled into and working on a freakin’ briefing I suddenly realized i didn’t have my phone. I was looking everywhere while a coworker was trying to tell me something important. Sarah says, “You fucking cannot find your phone; just do the work I will find it!” she starts walking and dialing the phone, listening for my freakin’ Beyonce All the Single Ladies ring-tone. She returns like a huntress from a safari with big game to prove her might and yes… she was mighty in my eyes!
It is so pathetic that not only can I not imagine my life without my iPhone I cannot remember life BiP (Before iPhone)! How did I function? How did I check my mail 900 times a day? How did I find a Starbucks while driving and desperate for coffee? What is 411 for? I cannot remember! I just open Safari and google what I want and the zip code and voila! There is the results and a number i can click and have my wonderful gadget ask me, “Call number?” Yes yes yes, I say!
All you Apple haters out there can bite my ass and revel in the inferiority of your Windows Mobile 6 crap. Google android? Whatevah! iPhone changed my life! Not sure if it is a curse or a blessing but I am so fucking happy about it, who cares?
By jen
I am happy to say Wildfish Seafood Grill is still one of my two favorite restaurants on the planet. Today I can say that their dessert officially trumps my previous favorite dessert EVAH at Filomena’s in Georgetown, VA. I will always love Filomena for a million reasons but their dessert has been dethroned. But I am getting ahead of myself.
The Meal:
My drink: “Cosmo, Vince… make it sweet.”
Appetizer: Ahi Tartare which was OUT OF THIS WORLD sorry I didn’t get a picture before the waiter mixed it up and cut up the citrus. That is raw ahi which was sitting on a bed of diced mango. He cut up the avocado, blood oranges, and mixed it. It has some sort of slightly spicy chile vinegrette. God love a good piece of sashimi grade fish.
and of course… the Warm Wedge of Saint Andres cheese. The unequaled KING OF ALL CHEESE…
Yes that is the freakin butter/fat/oil whatever that comes off the triple cream Saint Andres when it is heated. They put some sort of herbs or something on it. Dunno what… do not care… it is outstanding.
Entree for me was the Jonah Crab stuff tiger prawns (4). I ate one before i took the picture, sorry. I was hungry and feeling the cosmo. Hubby had the Ahi steak with wasabi mashed potatoes. The picture of that dish was super blurry but you can see part of if in the picture of the Hollandais and Asparagus.
Now… for the real reason we are at any restaurant and the aforementioned Dessert to End All Desserts… For my birthday I got the Godiva Chocolate lava cake which they spiffied up for me, yay Wildfish! That said, my husband ordered the Pineapple Upside Down Cake.
It’s on FIRE!
This is a scoop of Butter Pecan Ice Cream, individual pineapple upside down cake, fresh whipped cream with a caramel sauce… but wait! They then light a boat of 151 and pour it over the top! Ahhhhhhh. Once the inferno is done further caramelizing the sugars what is left is a cake which according to the waiter, Vince… the pastry guy pours into ramekins that have clarified butter poured in the bottom before it is baked so when it is in the over it bubbles up and over coating everything in this amazing crunchy browned sugar goodness. I can only say, Holy Fucking Shit! It was a certified FOODgasm.
My lovely chocolate cake with my little birthday message was also divine. I like richer chocolate desserts so this was mmm good. They only thing it needed was walnuts.
Yeah… we are going to hell…
I was wanting to take a picture at the table but if you haven’t been to Wildfish before you should know it is the darkest fucking place ever. I didn’t have enough light to take a pic with my phone because the iPhone blows without a flash. So i stood in the lady’s lounge area of the restroom and took a picture of me in that somewhat better, but not much light at the sink! 39 was much better the third time around! My nose looks huge in this picture, but who cares? :)
By jen
I received a great coffee mug from my favorite co-worker aka Jen’s Keeper, Sarah. It says, “My Idea of a Happy Birthday is shopping for New Shoes while WEARING New Shoes” it is fabulous. In that spirit I did visit DSW this morning and woot! I was feeling my inner dominatrix this morning I guess. I should have chosen that as a career. I would be fucking making money money money. In a way that is what I do here, no? Maybe I should start soliciting people who want to be abused and do it on the blog? Charge for it? OMG i need a business manager! Think of all the shoes I could buy!!
By jen
And the upside!
1. Daughter No. 3 is on the mend and doing great. Thanks be to God.
2. I love my new job been there almost a year and I do not want to quit!
3. My family is healthy and happy
4. Flight 1549 and a man who cannot walk on water but can land a plane on one.
5. The New Star Trek Movie! Loved it. Love Zachary Quinto. Sylar is my favorite.
6. Tea Parties, pissed off Americans, and maybe, just maybe a nation ready to say “get the fuck out of my capital” to politicians.
7. I rediscovered my obsessive love of jigsaw puzzles and now my obsessive DISORDER is causing them to stack up in a corner of my bedroom becuase I do not have the same obsession when it comes to putting the glue on them.
8. Jennifer Rardin released a book for me to end the year. I love me some Jaz Parks. Also a bunch of other great books came out this year not just the stinker on the last list.
9. Glee. I love Glee. I mean I freakin LOVE GLEE.
10. Fox didn’t cancel Fringe and therefor I love Fox!
By jen
Ok so here is a list post of sorts…
Ten Worst Things about 2009 in no particular order and I am certain I have forgotten a great many thing.
1. Prince Fuknut and and his merry band of amoral surrender monkeys.
2. Laurell K. Hamilton’s Divine Misdemeanors: I was really looking forward to this book. I cannot read the Anita Blake books anymore but I have always loved the Merry Gentry series. I think that has come to an end. She should have just added another 4 chapters to Swallowing Darkness and called the series complete. I blame the publishers for asking for more books and the author for not just taking the series in another direction.
3. Daughter No. 3 getting sick.
4. The fact all a terrorist has to do to avoid being killed is to get caught commiting an act of terrorism on US soil; then he gets all the rights and liberties of a citizen of the very country he wants to see burn. Barry-O is a fucking piece work.
5. Tiger Woods fiasco. I do not give a flying fuck if he is banging his dog, his nanny, and the Gardener… all at the same time. Why is this news? Why does anyone care? Does anyone care? Guy at work said, “His wife is stupid if she stays with him!” I said, “She can take half and leave or keep it all and stay.” He says, “What?!” I said, “I might divorce him if I were his wife, but I would probably just say, ‘Here is how it is gonna play out, Precious. You will move into the East Wing of the estate. You can see your kids whenever you want. You will hand over possession of all the bank cards and you will not make a single fucking comment about a single fucking thing I buy… EVER. And, btw… “the candy store” is close for you. If that is not acceptable I will take my half of all your shit and you can pay me 100k a month in child support and pay the mortgage etc. It is up to you, loverboy.” It is that simple. win/win for the wife. But Jennifer, she was publicly humiliated! Yeah? Best cure for that? Christian Louboutin, 2010 Maserati Gran Turismo, and never having to worry about a single fucking financial issue again in your life! Cry a little, sweetheart, then just realize you are never going to have to worry about providing for your children… EVER. Small price.
6. Universal Healthcare actually getting voted on. What the fuck is wrong with this country? NO ONE WANTS THIS! If people do not get off their asses this year and vote every single one of these cocksucking piece of shit politicians out of office I am going to fucking lose my mind.
7. Swine Fucking Flu! I think they should name it the Chicken Little Flu because they have cried the Sky is falling in an effort to distract us from everything else going to hell and when the sky does fall, no one is going to pay attention.
8. Hollywood in general: Avatar, Kanye, and the hoards of libtards screeching about whatever the fuck it is they think they know but really have no clue about.
9. Janet The Sequel: No my first name aint, Baby. Its Janet… Ms. Napolitano if your nasty... Redefining Success, One Terrorist Attack at a Time!
10. Keith Olbermann sets record for holding down a job while deep in the throes of Tertiary syphilis
By jen
Ok, I am late with this. Sue me! Christmas was good this year, just ask the kids! I didn’t even make it out to a mall until the 23rd. I hate malls. My folks came in the 23rd and of course we had to go to the mall to get something for Daughter No. 1. I left the little ones and my father with my husband and headed out into the madness; and trust me… it was madness. We went to La Cantera a.k.a “Locked in Terror” which is a lovely outdoor mall etc. The parking lot was INSANE. Cars everywhere. My mother says, “Look at this glaring example of the terrible economic recession we are experiencing.” Seriously, people were buying like crazy.
We took plent of silly pictures, starting with this one of me and my husband at his Christmas party at Foga de Chao. You know, I was holding my iPhone out to take out picture. The couple sitting across from me, instead of taking the camera and snapping the picture just sat there and smiled at us. I said, “Are we in frame?” The guy was like uhm yeah sure there. Hense this silly picture where I am talking and clicking the damn button at the same time. Absolutely hate the camera on the iPhone. Needs a mechanial button on the side. Anyway, the onlyl thing i need in this picture is my pinky up at the corner of my mouth and “ONE BILLION DOLLARS!”
Normally I would never allow this image on the internet, but it is just amusing. Mostly because I look fucking ridiculous! Food was delish at Foga, of course, the party was eh because it was too crowded and I was tired. However, I looked fabulous and was totally overdressed, but wtf. I need to post pictures of the shoes I wore with these. Aye Dios Mio! They were fucking smoking hot and I was pretty much as tall as my husband in them.
We did some last minute Shopping at the mall early on a Saturday. I did the ghetto Santa pick that pisses everyone in the department store off! I caught Santa standing outside, lined up my kids by him and took a pic! he was a pretty Santa and I am not paying to have my 11 year old make faces like she doesn’t want to be in a picture so it was quick and yeah… i am that ghetto sometimes. Neimans had a pretty Santa and in my defense I had just written a check for over a 100 bucks worth of make-up inside.
Chrismast Eve was a good day, didn’t do much and was able to wrap all the gifts while the girls spent the morning with their father. I managed to get everyone dressed for evening Mass without having to throw down any beatings which was nice. Might have something to do with the fact I do not go and spend 600 bucks on fruu fruu clothes they can only wear once and whill hate having on. I get stuff which is nice but can be worn again because otherwise it is like buying bridesmaids dresses every year. Hense I had a six year old in Gap’s finest leggings, tutu skirt and sweater with purple roll down boots. I had a skinny 9 year old in black jeans stuffed in brown leather knee hight boots and a cream and chocolate hoodie, a 11 year old in a dress and strip sweeater of her choosing, and of course a 20 year old who can dress herself. I figured I dress everday for work so I have a closet full of church appropriate clothing.
Heh the 20 year old has three inch heels on which is the only reason she is taller than the 11 year old.
Anyway, church was an adventure. We get there a bit early to get a seat, of course my father had gone to park his car and we had assembled improperly when he arrived and had to shift, not once, but three times until we were all ordered according to his specifications. The folks in the row behind us were amused as we attempted to squeeze everyone into the row in a specific order. I needed a hot of tequila by this point.
The mass started and I was tweeting, which I am sure I will have to answer for some day. I am not pleased with the churches here in town. I have been here for years and have yet to find a church where i felt any sense of community or with a priest that doesn’t make me to want to go to sleep. This particular priest has an affinity for the incense. So he is trying to kill me essentially. I sneeze and wheeze through mass. Daughter no 4 is sound asleep before the first reading, as usual. After communion I thought we were in the clear, but noooo there was some seminary guy who was going to say a few words before the offering for seminary students. I got about two sentences into his speech when he talked about his “calling” being more about how “he lost his job and thought wtf? Maybe mom was right I should become a priest.” I shit you not folks, this guy is becoming a priest because he probably lost his job at Best Buy and ran out of unemployment benefits. Needless to say I rolled mid speech and said to my parents who NEVER leave before the priest, “I feel a calling… a calling to go into the foyer and wait because I am too loudmouthed to endure this.”
Then the priest gets back up and I can here him talking from out in the foyer where my kids are saying how much they love me for getting them out of the smokey room where the man was rambling about not having a job. I hear the Monsignor talking about how everyone should wait for him to get out of the church before leaving. He was actuallyscolding people, HAH! He needs to retire. I was waiting for my folks with a smile as they came out shortly after the Monsignor who part of me wishes would have said something like, “Oh, leaving early?” So I could have said, “Yeah, I had all the tales of soon to be Father Ricky of the Sacred Unemployed.” I am jaded folks, really I am. This started when daughters no 3 and 4 made their first communion and it was a fiasco and not in a good way. It was absurd and unimportant and nothing like it should have been or was when I was a kid. Worst part of mass? They sing the Profession of Faith! Ugh. I just want an old school mostly spoken not everything singing mass with a priest that can speak without puttng me to sleep. For the record, Mass should never last longer than 1 hour. If it is, you have too much singing in it. It is cruel and horrible for it to go on for nearly 2 hours on Chrismast Eve with a church full of kids
After the Mass insanity came home and had some tamales! Mmmm we worked a few jigsaw puzzles, baked some cookies, and relaxed. Santa came overnight and well… the kids were thrilled…
Needless to say the haul for the kiddos was pretty sweet and I had a thing or two under the tree as well. I got a coat from my folks and a Cuisinart submersible blender as well. Dave and the girls got me a Kindle, wooot! All good.
By jen
You know, there is this joke that talks about the downside of a woman president would be that she would be totally insane for 7-10 days out of the month because of PMS and her period. It is a good giggle and all sorts of funnies come to mind. That said, I feel I could make the world a better place during my monthly estrogen induced rage phases. Take for instance this whole terrorist attempt on Christmas Day.
Imagine me, as president… yeah Iknow… try hard. I am enjoying my family day with the girls and whatnot in some fabulous location, not fucking Hawaii, and I get a call, hopefully sooner than 3 hours after it happens, that says, “Yo, Oh Exalted Demure One and Leader of the Free World, some ass fuck tried to blow up a plane bound for US soil with some device he picked up in Yemen! AQ is behind this. Just wanted you to know, ma’am.”
Imagine now that I am in my current state of estrogen induced delightfulness and you get something like this… “Get all the important fuckers in the room or on the horn and I will be there in a few, this gives me the ass! I was about to eat my oyster dressing and I have to deal with this fucing shit.”
I would of course have to get out of my flannel PJs, which would cause further deterioration of my mood, and dress appropriately to meet with the important fuckers. I am thinking something black and severe, but with some fucking wicked hot 4 inch red stilletos that scream, I could totally punctuate your trachea with this if i were so inclined. I would head over to wherever the fuck I had the important fuckers waiting with “that look” that makes my kids run for the hills and grown men cross their legs without knowing why on my face when I entered the room. They would all stand up and I would say, “Sit the fuck down, everyone but the Homeland Security asshats, you fuckers can stay standing for the duration of this meeting.”
I would sit in my chair at the head of the table and open a folder or some shit with important information and such in it. I would briefly peruse it in total silence so everyone can be a bit more on edge. Someone, probably some asshat from Homeland Security who knows he is fucked, would say, “Ma’am if you would have a look at the summary report…”
“Did someone hear a noise?” I would ask one of my spiffy generals sitting around the table. “Sounds like a buzz, very annoying.” I would then turn to my Chief of Staff and say, “I thought we successfully got rid of all my predecessor’s idiots in Homeland Security.”
He/she would say, “We did but rolling out the new stricter policies has been slow going.”
He/she would get The Look and then I would say something like, “Ok, guys… this seems pretty straight forward. Let’s blow up all of Yemen for a start. When can I expect to see some after action reports and pictures of the large craters and shit on satellite?”
The entire table would stop breathing for a few seconds, a few seconds too long and I would say, “Was that somehow unclear? Did I stutter?”
Some advisor would say something like, “Ma’am, did you just suggest we blow up an entire country?”
“No, I didn’t suggest anything of the sort, I believe I ordered the total destruction of Yemen. It wasn’t up for debate. Suggesting infers a gray area that simply doesn’t exist.” I would then pour some coffee and be pissed because there is no Ready Whip to put on the top and then point to one of the standing Homeland Security folks and say, “You, do something within your skillset, get me some fucking Ready Whip. Can you do that without something blowing up?”
One of my PR folks would say, “Jen, you realize there is going to be quite a bit of outrage if you simply bomb Yemen into oblivion.”
I would chuckle and say, “You are so precious. Do you really think anyone is going to give a fuck? Who the fuck cares about Yemen anyway? Do I have any Yemini people in this room? Does anyone depend on anything Yemin produces? I googled Yemen and they export Oil, which we will own after I plant a fucking flag and claim Yemen as our newest freaking territory. They export coffee, which we have South America for, and dried salted fish… i do not even eat dried or salted fish. Dried salted fish is gross and smells funny, I say this is a fucking win/win for us. We are doing the world a favor.”
“Jen…” a General would say then clear his throat. “Are you saying you want us to bomb Yemen into dust?”
“Yes, Dear. Use all those spiffy warheads I let you buy and fly over in those shiny new Aircraft and blow it to smitherines. Fun huh?” By this point I am pondering the fact I need a fill because my nails are getting too long and how I should be drinking a glass of wine after having eaten way too much oyster dressing and turkey which I haven’t been able to do since I am in this fucking meeting. Everyone would be talking among themselves trying to figure out how to talk me out of my idea and I would let them for about 20 seconds then I would stand up and say, “Ok, folks… I am gonna roll. One question before I get going. Do we have the terrorist in custody?”
Homeland Security guy No. 3 says, “Yes, Ma’am”
“Good, is he talking?”
“A bit.”
“Ok, get what you can out of him then put a bullet in his brain.” I would say casually and turn to my favorite General, the one with the new planes and say, “You will let me know when the pictures of burning Yemen are available to see?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Awesome, you are The Shit!” I would say as I started walking out of the room. “The rest of you fuckers, do what you do but if i see one of you bitches on the news taking shit from The Left about this without throwing the fuck down, I will have your asses over a fire. Tell them we blow shit up when people fuck with us, it is a simple fucking concept.”
By jen
Alice_H once again proves she is The Shit. She sends me booze and nice framed cartoons with my name in them.
Thanks to Alice_H for her generous gift and general fabulousness. Merry Christmas :)
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