My name is Jen. I am the mom of four daughters, the wife of a software engineer, and a SharePoint Bitch working for The Man in San Antonio, Texas. Want to know more about me than you probably should? Visit About Jen.
Until my project deadline arrives. That is why I have not even managed my weekly or twice a month post. I was stumbling again on the web and came across this page with “snappy comebacks and one-liners”
There are some really great ones that I either have used in my day to day life or plan to immediately at work. I love to share so here are a few of my favorites.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I’m already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. (AMEN!!!)
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Let’s talk about fashion today. Let’s talk about how it is NEVER going to be ok to wear certain things to work. I have spent the last year becoming more and more convinced I can not be surprised about what people will put on in the morning and consider it appropriate for work. I am always proven wrong, I can be surprised if not mortified. In the last few weeks I have been witness to some amazing sights.
Highlights and Observations:
1. It is never ok to wear rubber flip flops/shower shoes to work. Even with a freakin’ skirt and jacket… ESPECIALLY with a skirt and jacket.
2. It is never ok to wear cotton, denim, or knit capri pants to work. It is even less ok to wear a sleeveless v-neck t-shirt with them. This is what I refer to as “home depot couture” and has no place at work!
3. Attention men: Jewel toned shirts or vibrant colored shirts have no place at work. They actually have no place in your closet, but that is neither here nor there.
4. If you own a tie bought before y2k throw it the hell away…NOW
5. Sandals are never ok at work. That is my opinion. That said, if you wear them, for the love of GOD get a pedicure. No one wants to see your klingon battle talons all funky and crusty. ugh
6. Common misconception, gals… Clothing does not suddenly become work worthy by virtue of putting a pair of heels on with them. Shorts are never ok at work. They are still not OK with heels.
7. Misconception #2, gals… cut off white denim knee shorts are not work appropriate, even if you put on a fucking blazer with them and heels. OMG really? Frayed hem!
8. Sleeveless shirts, dresses, tanks, camis whatever… NONE OF THAT IS WORK APPROPRIATE! I do not care that on tv the women working in high powered jobs are often wearing micro mini skirts and sleeveless mini dresses. It is not professional unless you are a call girl.
9. I know I am in a minority when I say this one, but for the love of GOD why don’t women were stockings anymore? It is soooo not ok to have a nice pair of shoes and shove your bare fucking sweaty feet into them. To me, a dress or skirt is to be worn with stocking unless it is a sundress and sundresses are not to be worn at work! It is just gross to listen to people with sticky feet in their shoes all day. You know their feet stink and it just disgusts me.
10. If you are going to wear a jersy dress to work, there is nothing wrong with this per se, but if you are worried about a pantie line the answer is not to wear a thong, you fucking idiot. I do not care if you have the ass of a 23 year old tennis player (which you do not) it is just fucking gross. Why? I will tell you why! Even if I can get past the fact you still have a panty line honey, it is just higher… Even if i can get past the fact you were too stupid to wear hose and/or a slip… I can not get over the fact that every time you take a step your clingy dress is getting lodged inn your ass crack. This is wildly inappropriate and really fucking nasty.
I rediscovered Stumble Upon today and it has sucked hours out of my life. Happy, blissful, hours better spent doing laundry, but who cares! I laughed so hard when I read the following I had to post it. via OpenSalon
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ‘the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f———kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.
***The Daily Fuck You was a success but I am a busy lazy bitch. So in the spirit of everyone gets a trophy just for showing up and the new American Quest for Mediocrity; I am lowering my success threshold and promising you all “The Monthly Fuck You”.
As you all know I am a fan of stating the obvious. Some would even say I have a gift for it and do it with a certain flare and amusing style. So when I saw this headline I just had to comment. “US Has Iran Strike Plan, Just in Case”
Seriously, we have all heard the saying; Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. In what way is a plan to strike Iran news? I would be totally fucking pissed if they didn’t have a plan to strike Iran. I do not know about you good people, but I would like to think the military has a strike plan for fucking Minnesota just in case they ice fisherman decide to band together and seize the government.
What could he possibly say about Ms Jolie that she hasn’t already owned or that we would at all be surprised about? Drugs? Yeah we know. Lesbian? Yeah we know she went there and it is probably why half the guys love her. Home wrecker? Yeah, whatever; Jennifer Aniston should have popped out some babies is she wanted to hold onto her man. She has cut herself, had a weird kiss with her brother, and countless other things. What could this possibly expose to shock her fawning Hollywood fans? What could turn Brad against her? Maybe she voted for Bush! ;)
Even a stunning Vera Wang dress cannot change the fact this poor child has her mother’s DNA and WC Field’s Bill Clinton’s (maybe?). Nonetheless this is all compounded by the fact she is a vegan. The child needs some fucking cheese and a juicy steak and maybe she will not look so much like a cadaver. Chelsae, sweetie… EAT SOMETHING. She needed to marry a Latino so his family could could feed her some pork tamales and tortillas!
Color me shocked! Charlie Rangel and Maxine Waters are criminals! Give me a fucking break. Of course they are! For the sake of fairness, I would guess that 2/3rds or more of the legislative branch are also crooks. Even so, culling the herd of these two would be a start to the housecleaning required to get this country back to the good side of the force. Rangel is a fucking idiot. Waters is a total “C U Next Tuesday” and Maxy and Chuck are most likely being fattened up for the slaughter by the Left to show the country Democrats are honest people and appease the “little people” before elections in the fall. Talk about too little too late but nice try, Dems. Now go shut up and color you all suck ass.
Reason 124325 you cannot raise children in Hollywood. They just get all fucked up.
“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape.”
Ok, sweetie… I understand that it must have been a horrible challenge growing up in your world. I know that it just seems so freakin’ unfair that you do not get to jump to the front of the line and get famous based solely on your Daddy’s accomplishments, but for fuck’s sake; you are butt ass ugly AND stupid. This is a death sentence in your world. Kim K. is without doubt a total moron, but as my husband would say, “She is smoking fucking hot and she doesn’t need to speak.” He also says things like, “Holy fucking shit! That ass is a fucking work of art.” and various other extremely poetic remarks about her attributes.
My advise to you, precious… how about getting an education and making something of yourself instead of thumbing your nose at the fortunate life you have lead, huh? Someone spay this idiot before she breeds. Not even L.L. Cool J.’ s hot ass DNA would make up for this level of stupid and ugly.
Ten things I can say nothing other than, “Fuck You” to.
1. Jersey Shore: Snookie and a bunch of Guidos is suppose to be intersting? I am not one of those reality TV viewers who likes to watch stupid people live their day to day lives. I do not understand the need for this shit. Ugh.
2. Bethany’s Getting Married: Real Housewives of NYC was not enough. We have to take the most desperate character, one who is actually not even a “wife” and give her a show of her own. OMG. It should be called Botox Bethany Bags a Beau. Ugh. She is just so fucking horrifying.
4. Lydsay Lohan in or out of jail. Fuck you. This is another one who needs to be spayed.
5. Lady Gaga protests Arizona. I know if i want my cause to be taken seriously the first person I want onboard is Lady Gaga. Obviously she is tired of just “stunning with her love glue-gunning” and is ready to be taken as the serious political minded freak that she is!
Finally a Fuck You to HBO for tempting me back to True Blood which I kicked the habit on last season. Is it just me or is that the most lickable hip thingie since Bradley Cooper? Aaaahhhh I hate you HBO! TrueBlood
I haven’t written in a while and I have been bottling it up and saving it for a glorious Fuck You to the world. First off, work has been absolutely insane and while I could probably write a TDFU about that everyday for a year, I will refrain because really, work is always insane no matter who you work for or what you do for most people. I am blessed with a good job and supportive management, more than many folks have so I am thankful there.
On to the show…
Crazed Sex Poodle, are you fucking kidding me? Imagine my surprise that the world’s most arrogant self centered ass is a fucking predatory male! Imagine my surprise that the man who was vice president to the slimiest bastard to ever hold office tries to get a “happy ending massage” from a legitimate massage therapist. Fucking please… Really? I will admit the whole crazed sex poodle thing conjures images of Extreme Poodle on TLC and made me giggle. Am I shocked this comes days after the announcement of the break up of the couple that inspired Love Story? Oh for fuck’s sake. No one with that much pent up hostility and unrequited ambition could be anything other than a fucking Crazed Sex Poodle. You know the worst part of this whole thing? Not that he obviously likes to treat massage therapists as hookers, but that I have to fucking see his swollen fucking head on the news again. I bet Bill Clinton is laughing his ass off as he hears about this while sandwiched between two middled aged bleach blonde hair dressers who call him “Big Daddy.” Fuck you, Al and you can stick that in your “Lock Box” and save it for a rainy day.
Sir Paul McCartney is a douche. Yeah, that is not news, but I really gotta acknowledge this particular achievement in douchebaggery by the most overrated musician of all time and enviroweenie: Talking about the oil spill insanity…
Paul, sweetie… you are a fucking idiot. Just for opening your mouth you should have to pay Heather another 10 million dollars. To make it even better he uses his brilliant political mind and unquestionable analysis of the situation to profess..
“I don’t accept the criticism of Barack over the oil spill.” ”I think he’s been great. It’s tough if we Brits whinge that he’s whingeing at us. Tough, then don’t spill oil.”
He doesn’t accept it! Well that is reason enough for me to believe him. Who am I to doubt the judgement of the genius who gave us lyrics so insightful and powerful as, “Good day Sunshine, Good Day Sunshine, Good Day Sunshine” repeat 1 million times and the deeply thought provoking and highly emotional “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeahShe loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah”...
This man is a goddamn genius. An intellect of such astounding depth that I am feeling pretty bad about myself for thinking that not only is Barak Obama the biggest bumbling fucking idiot on the planet but that Sir Paul is a pathetic vegan loving piece of shit. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I have a fucking brain in my head and said head is not lodged in my ass. Fuck you, Paul. Go count your money or just go shut up and color. Just stop fucking talking.
OMG! You mean Obama might fucking be corrupt? Say it isn’t fucking so!!! Yeah, Blagodouche’s trial is getting ugly. I hope their is a sex tape and a cocaine tape and a donkey in Tijuana tape and everything else. Congratulations again to the citizens of the USA who voted Prince Fuknut into office. I am so fucking impressed with both the Hope and the Change going on. If your hope was to have the biggest moron possible in charge of the world, you are a fucking winner. If you the change you were after is what is left after you pay taxes then you are on a fucking streak. Head to Vegas, mother fuckers. Fuck you, Fuck you, and Fuck you again voting public for giving us four years of global humiliation and oh yeah… the worst possible economic future for our children. Go Team!!!
Whooping Cough Epidemic in California should scare the shit out of everyone. The article basically blames parents for not vaccinating their kids. Valid point. I was talking about this just the other day. This particular disease is not to be played with. A parent who chooses not to vaccinate their kiddos for pertussis is just asking to plan a funeral because the shit is virulent and horrible. Yeah it is California, home of the all natural green loving tree hugging organic food gives me an orgasm crowd, but they need to get over themselves. If they do not want to vaccinate their healthy little offspring then they need to keep them out of public schools.
That said, there is absolutely NO mention of the off the chart number of illegal immigrants who are in California with their many children who have probably never scene a vaccine. Could it be that allowing a huge number of people to swarm into a country without any regulation and become a part of the community without having to do pesky things like get vaccinated you might have an issue with this sort of stuff? Correct me if i am on the wrong path here, but it just seems like it might possibly have something to do with this as much as parents too stupid to have their kids vaccinated. Fucking stupid shit.
Finally a few observations that need mentioning:
1. Nancy Pelosi is still a useless dried up old cunt
2. Obama is a wanker
3. There isn’t a fucking thing to watch on TV and i am pissed off
4. I really need to buy a new pair of shoes.
– The Demure One
I haven’t done a list in a while. I do love me a good list
A bunch of things that are on my mind:
1. Hass Avocados are one of God’s perfect creations; cut in half and get a spoon. Doesn’t even need salt if it is just ripe enough.
2. World cup soccer makes me happy. I am not a huge soccer fan per se, but I am a serious fan of soccer thighs. I am certain that the current match usa vs england has the highest “hip thingie” saturation of any sporting event in history. Dear god there are some bangin’ hot men on the field and more than one shaved head.
3. Obama is a fucking wanker. Read a headline at Hotair says something about not being able to suck up the BP oil spill with a straw. I would argue he probably has mad straw skills from his cocaine days. just sayin’
4. I am having a tomato phase. I bought a pack of yellow cherry tomatoes. Mmmm like candy.
5. The expendables looks like fun. I know it will probably suck, but really it looks like a perfect way to spend 2 hours of my day.
One of the trailers has Arnold and Bruce in it and with the cast added in the only thing missing is Jesse Ventura.
6. My kids are out of town and I have no idea what to do with myself.
7. The fact I have over 300 books on my kindle means I need some sort of 12 step program I think.
8. I am not a fan of the new Roku netflix interface. I like the idea but I am just not liking the reality of it.
9. No, I do not think your EVO is The Shit. I own an iPhone. Puhleaze.
Ten years ago today I had my Gillybean. She is without a doubt the most hilarious child I have ever been around. She has a sense of humor that is both very dry and extremely literal. She is the only one of my kids who doesn’t have a perpetual case of the “I wants”. When asked what she wanted for her birthday she shrugs and says, “Clothes would be good but I have everything I want.”
I have worried over her health for most of her life but she really is a trooper. I have cried tears of joy, pain, fear, and pride over this baby girl and every one of them has made her more precious to me than I can ever explain. A friend is about to have his first child and says he worries about not having a healthy baby. I said to him, it doesn’t matter. You love them, pray hard, and do whatever it takes to get them fixed. Then you start all over again if you need to. You will be strong enough because they need you to be strong enough. She has made me a better mother, a better woman, and according to a few doctors and nurses the most difficult and demanding bitch on the planet, but that is my job.
She is fearless and totally unique. She is blessed with the ability to laugh at herself and that is something most people never managed to achieve. She doesn’t have a self conscious bone in her body and revels in acting like a fool. What more could I ask for? I am well and truly blessed.
Happy birthday, Mamita! I love you so very very much.
2 month old only time she has ever been pudgy!
My favorite pic of No. 2 and No. 3! Look at all those curls!
They were born 19 months apart and looked exactly alike
Big Brown Eyes
She is a good big sister even though baby sister is about as big as she is in this picture.