May

9

Boobs and Wifi

By jen

Gone are the days of waiting bored and watching paint dry in waiting rooms at doctor’s offices.  The only thing you have to do now is stake your claim early to the plug!!  I am sitting at MD Anderson Cancer Prevention Center today for my annual mammogram and exam.  Yeah, I drive 200 miles to get it done.  The idiots in SA didnt’ seem to install confidence and were ready to biopsy me without good films.  Not to mention they couldn’t find my right breast when i went to pick up my images to head to Houston.  How can you lose a boob? Especially one of mine!

Anyway, I am sitting here in a lovely waiting room in a corner with a comfy chair and good a/c trying desperately not to think about the fact they are going to be squashing my boob like a ball of masa in a tortilla press in about an hour or so.  My boobs are legend in some zip codes so I am not just exaggerating here.  It is totally possible to smash a boob no matter how big to basically a 1/4 in thick pancake between two plastic plates.  AGONY!  They hurt already and I haven’t been touched.

Hopefully this year we do not have any crazy micro calcifications that cause me to have to stay over for another biopsy and a full week of “losing my shit” until i get results.  Last year I was ready to just have them removed I was so stressed out.  I had convinced myself that having them removed was at that point less stressful than waiting for lab results.  It was a joy for all that week, I think Sarah is still suffering from PTSD due to my insanity.

This is a nice place though and a world renown clinic so if you have to get smashed somewhere it might as well be here.  The only thing that would make it better is if they had a wine bar I could just get sloshed at while I waited.

Apr

28

So, WTAF is Going On?

By jen

You may notice my new favorite acronym in the title.  This is something special because as a general rule I do not easily adopt acronyms.  Everytime I see “LOL” or “ROFL” I want to set something on fire and watch it burn like a Towering Inferno.  WTAF = What the ACTUAL Fuck!  Love it!.  So the answer…

What the actual fuck is going on with me?  A shitload of work, that’s what.  A shitload of work, kids who as they get older have these things called “school activities and responsibilities”.  Totally cuts into my blogging, reading, writing, and shoe shopping time.  So I will just unload on some of the shit in the world that is working my last fucking nerve.

1. Let’s take a quick review of my predictions about Obama from October of 2008

We will have more poor people even after throwing more money at the existing programs and creating a whole shitload of new ones.


Do I even need to get into that one?  What phase of fuck America and fuck all you plebs are we in now?  If  I start on a tirade about tax return last week I will never stop and my blood pressure will spike.

Cuba will become a top US vacation destination and not just for terrorists.  Isn’t it time we forgive Fidel anyway?  We can follow this with National Che Day.


Oh so close… so very very close.

The cost of absolutely everything will go up.  Gas, food, homes, utilities, education, health care.


There is absolutely no fucking reason on the planet why I should be paying what I am paying for gas.  My grocery bills are higher.  My health insurance was changed and my company had to pull a rabbit out of their ass to keep our benefits at the same level with minimal increase to cost.  My co-pay went up on office visits, prescriptions, and deductible is higher.  Thank God I work for a company large enough and successful enough to negotiate plans that keep my family covered.   Policy changes due to the “changes in US healthcare mandated by congress” blah blah blah.  Fuck you Congress and leave me at least some of the damn money I work so hard to make.

Race relations in this country will be set back to circa 1975.


Yeah, that one doesn’t even need to be addressed.  I have seen more of this than I have ever seen in my life and it is just fucking ridiculous.

I got a few wrong, but he still has time to jack the rest of it up.

2. Why oh why is the world so freakin’ obsessed with wedge shoes.  They are ugly, clompy, and have no freakin’ place at work.  DSW has four freakin’ aisles of this shit.  STOP THE INSANITY.

3.  I have been obsessively reading Urban Fantasy.  Some recommendations for you…

Deadtown series by Nancy Holzner
October Daye series by Seanan McGuire (I was slow to warm to this first book but i love it now)
Horngate Witches by Diana Pharaoh Francis (not your normal witch series.  nothing cutesy about it.)
The Edge series by Ilona Andrews (anything by this writing duo is top notch)
The Black Sun’s Daughter series M.L.N. Hanover (This series really grew on me and male authors in this genre are new for me)
Rogue Mage series by Faith Hunter


I love my Kindle and my Kindle App!


4.  Do you know how difficult it is to try and blog while I am watching Adam Levine on TV?


5.  I am still trying to process this whole Japan nightmare.  I still cannot wrap my brain around it.


6.  I have been thinking alot about blogging but have been just totally unwilling to focus as I am sure is reflected in this attempt at it.


So, I will not say I will be back tomorrow or this weekend but I will say I am still here, still bitchy, and still totally not understanding why the world is full of so many stupid freakin’ people!  Thanks for all the emails asking where I am and shit.  They are appreciated!  My girls are all doing great, thanks be to GOD.  Me, I am still working the demure gig and pissing people off.  We all have to do what we are good at.


:)

Apr

28

I live!!!!

By jen

First, to get us back on the right path… Hip Thingie of unfathomable quality.

Ladies… Adam Levine.  The eyes, the voice, the tattoos… THE HIP THINGIE!

Jan

1

The Epic Blog Post… Part 1

By jen

I have abandoned you, my loyal five readers, for the last three months.  I have no excuse other than work has been insane and I have been just too freakin’ tired to do anything at all.  That said, it is part of my New Year’s Resolution once again to amuse you with the insanity, absurdity, and genius of my neurotic ramblings on a bit more regular basis.  It isn’t that I do not have anything to say, this is the Demure One talking.  I always have something to say.  I need to figure out the damn wordpress app on my iphone, it is shitting the bed.  I got a new iphone 4 (will have to tell you that tale later) and it seems to be the only thing I cannot figure out.

The title of this post is “epic” so let’s define it so there is no confusion or accusation of misusing this fine word:

EPIC: Adj

1. noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer’s Iliad is an epic poem

2. resembling or suggesting such poetry: an epic novel on the founding of the country.

3. heroic; majestic; impressively great: the epic events of the war.

4. of unusually great size or extent: a crime wave of epic proportions.


Well, this entry will be long, poetic (because poetry is subjective and I say so!) and written in my usually “elevated style”.  I will speak of great deeds and achievements, heroic adventure, and impressively great shit.  It will be so epically significant that I have to break it into multiple posts to give you a break from the fantasticness of it.  So there…on to “Part I:  Pre Holiday Insanity”

I took off every Friday between Thanksgiving and Christmas as well as the entire time the kids were out of school.  The after Thanksgiving Fridays were obviously a misguided attempt to get my shopping done before the girls were out of school.  Yes, go ahead and laugh.  The first attempt was consumed by the need to find a dress and shoes for my Christmas Party.  What I thought would be a quick purchase and then I would knock off a chunk of my girls lists turned into a day full of retail frustration followed by a pedicure, cocktails, then nails and NO ACTUAL PRESENTS BOUGHT.  The second Friday off involved a mall.  An indoor mall… I hate malls.  I hate anywhere that serves as a place for stupid people to congregate.

For those of you who know me, you have no doubt how I feel about shopping.  I hate it.  If shopping involves a mall, my hand to God, I would rather give birth.  Malls represent everything I hate about society.  I am not talking about some political “the world is full of greed” bullshit, I love capitalism… I am talking about “I fucking hate people, especially in large numbers”.

Ten things that happened while shopping this year:
1.  I couldn’t find fancy shoes I liked.  Strike 1

2.  I had to stand in line.  I do not do lines. I do not have time for lines.  Jen Rule #124325 if there is more than two people in line ahead of you, put the shit down you do not need it that badly.

3. First run in with retail sales people happened early.

Hollister, while the shop of choice for my girls, is obviously where the misguided-overly thin-totally vapid youth of America works today.


Two weeks before Christmas, store is busy, ten people working, and wait for it… one hobbit working the register.  In her defense, she was doing it all as fast as she could.  However, that was not fast enough for me.


I watch three other famine ridden sales clerks standing around behind the counter talking about the latest way to purge carbs or maybe they were talking about how to best accent their skeletal frames, but whatever it was, they could have done it while fucking running a cash register.


I was obviously pissed; i do not do pissed off in a subtle way.  Bimbette number 1, the one in charge says, “Ma’am is everything alright?”  I smiled demurely, “Uhm, not really, precious.  There are twenty people in line and you need some more help on the register.”


She smiled while probably thinking, omg, not another crazy bitch. She said, “I am sorry about that but we are understaffed today.”


I smiled back thinking, I could snap you like a twig, honey. “I can count seven people from right here not counting your cashier.”


She had a moment where I could actually hear the squeaking of the underused gears of her brain working, “Yeah, well they are not trained on the cash register.”  Yes, she actually said that.


“Are you the manager, honey?”  She smiled, knowing the answer to that one, “Yes ma’am!”  I mean she was proud of that, obviously the morning team meeting over some sort of organic soy wheat germ smoothy had made her really excited about being a manager.  It was short lived, call me Killjoy…


“So as the manager of this fine establishment, are you telling me you are not trained on how to run a register?”  Yeah, that freaked her out.


She was sweating.  Tim Roth on Lie To Me would have had a whole bunch of shit to say about her body language.  ”Yes, I can use the register.”


Oh for the love of all that’s holy, “And the reason you are not currently doing so, precious?”  She was trying to figure out a managerial answer… she failed.


In fact she didn’t even answer, she just opened the other register and said, not making eye contact, “I’ll take the next person in line over here!”


I WAS THE NEXT PERSON IN LINE!  Fucking idiots.


4.  I had an amazing salad at Kona Grill!

5.  I needed liquor by 11:30 am

6.  Justice is an unbelievably annoying store.  It is bad enough that the prices are the equivalent of  retail sodomy, but add to that the non-stop “best of radio disney stars” going at full blast and I am ready to totally lose my shit.  They had Pillow Pets and Pillow Pets were on my list!  Best part?  There was a fucking line!

7.  I found that mixing wine with my meds ROCKS!

8.  It occurred to me at some point I was not only subjecting myself to torture, but I was paying to suffer.  My Visa card was smoking within an hour.

9.  Sarah is absolutely great at stopping me from getting in my car and fleeing.  This sounds like a simple enough task.  Maybe, but the urge to bolt hits me roughly every twenty minutes and anytime I see someone failing to control their barbarian children.

10.  I have no idea who Perry the Platypus is, but apparently everyone else on the planet knows him.

The week before Christmas, the week the kids were home and my family came into town with my oldest in tow was a good week, thank you Sister Creek Winery and Xanax. Love the family, I am an only child, I actually enjoy my parents mostly so I was looking forward to watching competent people bake and working jigsaw puzzles!  Of course the family was not in the door ten minutes when Mom said, “Raven and I need to finish shopping.  Let’s all go to La Cantera!”  For those of you who are not familiar with this retail shopping “city” it is in a pretty swanky area and they set it up with streets and stuff so you do not think you are in a mall, it is open air so you get to really enjoy the freaking unseasonal heat and humidity of San Antonio mid December.  I affectionately refer to La Cantera as “Locked in Terror” and the name is fitting.

While shopping with Sarah was traumatic, it at least went quickly.  Shopping with the family (that would be 7 of us because my husband was working, the coward! jk)  is always stressful.  My father wanders off, my mother is convinced he is buying something he doesn’t need to buy, he usually is, and then before you know it they all need to be fed.  In my mom’s defense, she is like me… give me a coffee or a diet coke and I will just push through lunch and get the shopping done.  My kids, even the 21 year old, and my father are like little birds with their mouths open waiting to be fed.

We go to Kona Grill!  I love Kona.  Everyone is totally on board.  Daughter no. 4 is happy they have pizza!  Daughter no. 2 is happy she gets a burger!  Daughter no. 1 aka the queen of a la carte is happy!  Dad insists on reading the entire menu when he just needs to get a burger.  Mom is easy.  I just want a freakin’ salad.  Then there is daughter no. 3 aka I like to keep things interesting by being impossible to please.  She wants cheese nachos.  Kona doesn’t have cheese nachos!  After 20 minutes of offering everything and my saying at least twice, “Dont eat!”  I was getting the look from my parents like I was Cruella deVille and starving my poor child.  So what do I do?  I order then walk to the food court where I proceed to get cheese nachos, a cheese quesadilla, and a gratis chile con queso for waiting.  Why do I get anything beyond the nachos she requested, you ask?  Because it is Daughter No. 3 and she will not want them when I give them to her!  I was covering my bases.  I return to Kona and said 10 year old decides she is not only in love with the nachos but wants to eat it all.  Dear God, she is like a locust, all 70 pounds of her.  Crisis averted, my blood pressure returns to somewhere in the “avoid an infarction zone”.

By the time we got home I felt like I had been beaten to within an inch of my life.  I was happy though, I was done shopping… I thought. Oh no!  Mom says, “We need to go to Costco in the morning!”  I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning I got up, had my parents version of coffee (think strong tea), medicated and resolved to survive Costco.  Just when I thought all was lost, Dad says he is staying home with the girls!  Daughter No. 4 bats her big eyelashes and manages to tag along, but she is easy to deal with and just happy to be around.  Costco turned into HEB and I wanted to cry.  I survived though.

We finally got around to baking two days before Christmas and I got to stay in my PJs all day!  Finally!  I had been off for nearly a week and hadn’t had a PJ day.  UNACCEPTABLE!  Christmas Eve was easy, did some cooking and went to Mass.  Came home, had tamales and then could no longer avoid the dreaded wrapping.  I do not wrap.  I do not have time for wrapping and that is why I have my mother and other people who care.  For the first time in years we were actually finished wrapping before midnight!  This is what resulted!

Here are a few pics from Christmas Eve when everyone was cleaned up and dressed for church.  I have posted more on my facebook page so you can go see the rest there if you want.

I gave up trying to get everyone smiling.  Those of you with children know what I mean.  I was just glad everyone was looking in the vicinity of the camera.

12 year olds are so “enthused” by photos

You think she is mine?

Some photos are just cooler in black and white!  Daughter no. 3 “the gillybean”

Another one with my chin! Baby girl is The Shit…

Me and Dave aka the man with way too many headstrong Latin women in his life.

Next up:  Part II:  The Aftermath, Part III:  The New Year…

Oct

10

Oh Hell Yes

By jen

He was so not this hot when I was HOT for him back in the day.  Bangin’ hot with all that ink…

Sep

11

T-19 Days…

By jen

Until my project deadline arrives. That is why I have not even managed my weekly or twice a month post.  I was stumbling again on the web and came across this page with “snappy comebacks and one-liners”

There are some really great ones that I either have used in my day to day life or plan to immediately at work.  I love to share so here are a few of my favorites.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.


What am I? Flypaper for freaks?


I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.


I’m already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.


How about never? Is never good for you?


I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.  (AMEN!!!)


I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.


My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!


It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.


You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.


I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Aug

15

Some Things Are Just Never Going To Be OK…

By jen

Let’s talk about fashion today.  Let’s talk about how it is NEVER going to be ok to wear certain things to work.  I have spent the last year becoming more and more convinced I can not be surprised about what people will put on in the morning and consider it appropriate for work.  I am always proven wrong, I can be surprised if not mortified.  In the last few weeks I have been witness to some amazing sights.

Highlights and Observations:

1.  It is never ok to wear rubber flip flops/shower shoes to work.  Even with a freakin’ skirt and jacket… ESPECIALLY with a skirt and jacket.

2.  It is never ok to wear cotton, denim, or knit capri pants to work.  It is even less ok to wear a sleeveless v-neck t-shirt with them.  This is what I refer to as “home depot couture” and has no place at work!

3.  Attention men:  Jewel toned shirts or vibrant colored shirts have no place at work.  They actually have no place in your closet, but that is neither here nor there.

4.  If you own a tie bought before y2k throw it the hell away…NOW

5.  Sandals are never ok at work.  That is my opinion.  That said, if you wear them, for the love of GOD get a pedicure.  No one wants to see your klingon  battle talons all funky and crusty.  ugh

6.  Common misconception, gals… Clothing does not suddenly become work worthy by virtue of putting a pair of heels on with them.  Shorts are never ok at work.  They are still not OK with heels.

7.  Misconception #2, gals… cut off white denim knee shorts are not work appropriate, even if you put on a fucking blazer with them and heels.  OMG really?  Frayed hem!

8.  Sleeveless shirts, dresses, tanks, camis whatever… NONE OF THAT IS WORK APPROPRIATE!  I do not care that on tv the women working in high powered jobs are often wearing micro mini skirts and sleeveless mini dresses.  It is not professional unless you are a call girl.

9.  I know I am in a minority when I say this one, but for the love of GOD why don’t women were stockings anymore?  It is soooo not ok to have a nice pair of shoes and shove your bare fucking sweaty feet into them.  To me, a dress or skirt is to be worn with stocking unless it is a sundress and sundresses are not to be worn at work!  It is just gross to listen to people with sticky feet in their shoes all day.  You know their feet stink and it just disgusts me.

10. If you are going to wear a jersy dress to work, there is nothing wrong with this per se, but if you are worried about a pantie line the answer is not to wear a thong, you fucking idiot.  I do not care if you have the ass of a 23 year old tennis player (which you do not) it is just fucking gross.  Why?  I will tell you why!  Even if I can get past the fact you still have a panty line honey, it is just higher…  Even if i can get past the fact you were too stupid to wear hose and/or a slip…  I can not get over the fact that every time you take a step your clingy dress is getting lodged inn your ass crack.  This is wildly inappropriate and really fucking nasty.

ugh… the world has no fucking class anymore.

Aug

1

I am Stumbling Today…

By jen

I rediscovered Stumble Upon today and it has sucked hours out of my life.  Happy, blissful, hours better spent doing laundry, but who cares!  I laughed so hard when I read the following I had to post it.  via OpenSalon

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.


Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ‘the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f———kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X

Aug

1

Stating the Obvious…

By jen

***The Daily Fuck You was a success but I am a busy lazy bitch.  So in the spirit of everyone gets a trophy just for showing up and the new American Quest for Mediocrity; I am lowering my success threshold  and promising you all “The Monthly Fuck You”.

====

As you all know I am a fan of stating the obvious.  Some would even say I have a gift for it and do it with a certain flare and amusing style.  So when I saw this headline I just had to comment.  “US Has Iran Strike Plan, Just in Case”

Seriously, we have all heard the saying; Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. In what way is a plan to strike Iran news?  I would be totally fucking pissed if they didn’t have a plan to strike Iran.  I do not know about you good people, but I would like to think the military has a strike plan for fucking Minnesota just in case they ice fisherman decide to band together and seize the government.

==

Andrew Morton promises bombshell secrets in his Angelina biography!

What could he possibly say about Ms Jolie that she hasn’t already owned or that we would at all be surprised about?  Drugs? Yeah we know.  Lesbian?  Yeah we know she went there and it is probably why half the guys love her.  Home wrecker?  Yeah, whatever; Jennifer Aniston should have popped out some babies is she wanted to hold onto her man.  She has cut herself, had a weird kiss with her brother, and countless other things.  What could this possibly expose to shock her fawning Hollywood fans?  What could turn Brad against her?  Maybe she voted for Bush! ;)

=======

She is just never going to be attractive...

Even a stunning Vera Wang dress cannot change the fact this poor child has her mother’s DNA and WC Field’s Bill Clinton’s (maybe?).  Nonetheless this is all compounded by the fact she is a vegan.  The child needs some fucking cheese and a juicy steak and maybe she will not look so much like a cadaver.  Chelsae, sweetie… EAT SOMETHING.  She needed to marry a Latino so his family could could feed her some pork tamales and tortillas!

=======

Color me shocked!  Charlie Rangel and Maxine Waters are criminals!   Give me a fucking break.  Of course they are!  For the sake of fairness, I would guess that 2/3rds or more of the legislative branch are also crooks.  Even so, culling the herd of these two would be a start to the housecleaning required to get this country back to the good side of the force.  Rangel is a fucking idiot.  Waters is a total “C U Next Tuesday” and Maxy and Chuck are most likely being fattened up for the slaughter by the Left to show the country Democrats are honest people and appease the “little people” before elections in the fall.  Talk about too little too late but nice try, Dems.  Now go shut up and color you all suck ass.

=======

Reason 124325 you cannot raise children in Hollywood.  They just get all fucked up.

Morpheus’ daughter makes a porno to jump start her career!

“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape.”


Ok, sweetie… I understand that it must have been a horrible challenge growing up in your world.  I know that it just seems so freakin’ unfair that you do not get to jump to the front of the line and get famous based solely on your Daddy’s accomplishments, but for fuck’s sake; you are butt ass ugly AND stupid.  This is a death sentence in your world.  Kim K.  is without doubt a total moron, but as my husband would say, “She is smoking fucking hot and she doesn’t need to speak.”  He also says things like, “Holy fucking shit!  That ass is a fucking work of art.” and various other extremely poetic remarks about her attributes.

My advise to you, precious… how about getting an education and making something of yourself instead of thumbing your nose at the fortunate life you have lead, huh?  Someone spay this idiot before she breeds.  Not even L.L. Cool J.’ s hot ass DNA would make up for this level of stupid and ugly.

=======

Ten things I can say nothing other than, “Fuck You” to.

1. Jersey Shore:  Snookie and a bunch of Guidos is suppose to be intersting?  I am not one of those reality TV viewers who likes to watch stupid people live their day to day lives.  I do not understand the need for this shit.  Ugh.

2. Bethany’s Getting Married:  Real Housewives of NYC was not enough.  We have to take the most desperate character, one who is actually not even a “wife” and give her a show of her own.  OMG.  It should be called Botox Bethany Bags a Beau.  Ugh.  She is just so fucking horrifying.

3. Seems Prince Charles feels his duty is to save the world! I say we hook him up with the Richard Gere, The Voice of Humanity and they can go get some hamsters at Petco and ride off into the sunset together.  Ugh.

4. Lydsay Lohan in or out of jail. Fuck you.  This is another one who needs to be spayed.

5. Lady Gaga protests Arizona.  I know if i want my cause to be taken seriously the first person I want onboard is Lady Gaga.  Obviously she is tired of just “stunning with her love glue-gunning” and is ready to be taken as the serious political minded freak that she is!

=====

Finally a Fuck You to HBO for tempting me back to True Blood which I kicked the habit on last season. Is it just me or is that the most lickable hip thingie since Bradley Cooper?  Aaaahhhh I hate you HBO!
True-Blood
TrueBlood

True-Blood
TrueBlood

Jun

24

TDFU: Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Numbers

By jen

I haven’t written in a while and I have been bottling it up and saving it for a glorious Fuck You to the world.  First off, work has been absolutely insane and while I could probably write a TDFU about that everyday for a year, I will refrain because really, work is always insane no matter who you work for or what you do for most people.  I am blessed with a good job and supportive management, more than many folks have so I am thankful there.

On to the show…

Crazed Sex Poodle, are you fucking kidding me? Imagine my surprise that the world’s most arrogant self centered ass is a fucking predatory male!  Imagine my surprise that the man who was vice president to the slimiest bastard to ever hold office tries to get a “happy ending massage” from a legitimate massage therapist.  Fucking please… Really? I will admit the whole crazed sex poodle thing conjures images of Extreme Poodle on TLC and made me giggle.   Am I shocked this comes days after the announcement of the break up of the couple that inspired Love Story?  Oh for fuck’s sake.  No one with that much pent up hostility and unrequited ambition could be anything other than a fucking Crazed Sex Poodle.  You know the worst part of this whole thing?  Not that he obviously likes to treat massage therapists as hookers, but that I have to fucking see his swollen fucking head on the news again.  I bet Bill Clinton is laughing his ass off as he hears about this while sandwiched between two middled aged bleach blonde hair dressers who call him “Big Daddy.”   Fuck you, Al and you can stick that in your “Lock Box” and save it for a rainy day.

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Sir Paul McCartney is a douche.  Yeah, that is not news, but I really gotta acknowledge this particular achievement in douchebaggery by the most overrated musician of all time and enviroweenie:  Talking about the oil spill insanity…

The Beatles legend said: “Sadly we need disasters like this to show people. Some people don’t believe in climate warming – like those who don’t believe there was a Holocaust.


Paul, sweetie… you are a fucking idiot.  Just for opening your mouth you should have to pay Heather another 10 million dollars.  To make it even better he uses his brilliant political mind and unquestionable analysis of the situation to profess..

“I don’t accept the criticism of Barack over the oil spill.”  ”I think he’s been great. It’s tough if we Brits whinge that he’s whingeing at us. Tough, then don’t spill oil.”


He doesn’t accept it!  Well that is reason enough for me to believe him.  Who am I to doubt the judgement of the genius who gave us lyrics so insightful and powerful as, “Good day Sunshine, Good Day Sunshine, Good Day Sunshine” repeat 1 million times and the deeply thought provoking and highly emotional “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeahShe loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah;She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah”...

This man is a goddamn genius.  An intellect of such astounding depth that I am feeling pretty bad about myself for thinking that not only is Barak Obama the biggest bumbling fucking idiot on the planet but that Sir Paul is a pathetic vegan loving piece of shit.  What is wrong with me?  Oh yeah, I have a fucking brain in my head and said head is not lodged in my ass.  Fuck you, Paul.  Go count your money or just go shut up and color.  Just stop fucking talking.

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OMG!  You mean Obama might fucking be corrupt?  Say it isn’t fucking so!!! Yeah, Blagodouche’s trial is getting ugly.  I hope their is a sex tape and a cocaine tape and a donkey in Tijuana tape and everything else.  Congratulations again to the citizens of the USA who voted Prince Fuknut into office.  I am so fucking impressed with both the Hope and the Change going on.  If your hope was to have the biggest moron possible in charge of the world, you are a fucking winner.  If you the change you were after is what is left after you pay taxes then you are on a fucking streak.  Head to Vegas, mother fuckers.  Fuck you, Fuck you, and Fuck you again voting public for giving us four years of global humiliation and oh yeah… the worst possible economic future for our children.  Go Team!!!

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Whooping Cough Epidemic in California should scare the shit out of everyone.  The article basically blames parents for not vaccinating their kids.  Valid point. I was talking about this just the other day.  This particular disease is not to be played with. A parent who chooses not to vaccinate their kiddos for pertussis is just asking to plan a funeral because the shit is virulent and horrible.  Yeah it is California, home of the all natural green loving tree hugging organic food gives me an orgasm crowd, but they need to get over themselves. If they do not want to vaccinate their healthy little offspring then they need to keep them out of public schools.

That said, there is absolutely NO mention of the off the chart number of illegal immigrants who are in California with their many children who have probably never scene a vaccine. Could it be that allowing a huge number of people to swarm into a country without any regulation and become a part of the community without having to do pesky things like get vaccinated you might have an issue with this sort of stuff?  Correct me if i am on the wrong path here, but it just seems like it might possibly have something to do with this as much as parents too stupid to have their kids vaccinated.  Fucking stupid shit.

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Finally a few observations that need mentioning:

1. Nancy Pelosi is still a useless dried up old cunt

2. Obama is a wanker

3. There isn’t a fucking thing to watch on TV and i am pissed off

4. I really need to buy a new pair of shoes. – The Demure One