By jen
Every now and again I have to face my demons and shop. I hate shopping. Do not confuse this with buying things, I do enjoy that a great deal, the actual shopping part I fucking hate. In the hierarchy of the Hell of Shopping a la Dante you have the following…
- Getting Fuel: It sucks. It is expensive. It smells funny and will get on your shoes.
- Grocery Shopping: A necessary evil but hell nonetheless
- Sam’s Club on a Saturday: You are starting to get into real pain and torture here.
- Shoe shopping: I love shoes very much, but i hate shopping for them. I want a shoe fairy to deliver them perfectly fit and slightly slutty, even my Pumas I like sexy.
- School Shopping: Ugh…
- Shopping involving a gift registry of any kind: Come to my shower or event and bring a gift. Not just any gift; some ridiculously overpriced toaster I selected because you are not to be trusted to get me something good.
- Jean Shopping: I am 5’3 and a petite or short is still generally too long. I have an ass AND a waist, this must be some cosmic anomaly because no one is apparently shaped with both. It seems if you have an ass you must look like a corndog and be without a waist. If you have a waist you must be ass-challenged. I would rather suck The Barbed Cock of Satan than shop for jeans.
- Wal Mart: Sweet Mother of God, there is only one level of hell worse than this…
- Bra Shopping: Fucking makes me insane and so the blog entry begins…
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By jen
Ok, I watch this bitch mostly to ridicule her and hate on her. Today she outdid herself.
Menu: Green Chile Soup from Mexico, Asian Five Spice Chicken for entree, Baklava for Dessert.
Who the fuck eats that all together?
Presume you would… would you eat her half assed versions of them? Uhmm NO.
Best part? With this episodes Kitchen Design she has a giant fucking book with a map on it open on a giant freakin’ stand like a cookbook next to her sink and drapes that are made out of a world map. Everytime I look at her crooked ponytail i want to push her face in the garbage disposal of her porcelain farmhouse sink.
I just watched her applaud her one fluffy white rice. Mind you it was fluffy white rice out of a freakin’ rice cooker. If you fuck up rice in a rice cooker you have major issues and should just go to Sonic.
Oh goodie!!! It is tablescape time.
Glorious Globes! She has a faaaahbulous mobile made with fishing line and thumbtacks. They are right in the cent of the table like some chandelier from hell and guaranteed to keep you from actually talking to the other people at the table and guaranteed to have every kid at the table batting them back and forth like a tetherball.
Seriously… face plant in the disposal. If that doesn’t work I say we nuke the site from orbit. It is the only way to be sure.
By jen
I have credits to spend! Yay! You are spiffy whoever you are!
I am now downloading more! I want it all!
By jen
I could do this all day…
Generate a Barack Obama Quote!
“I think it’s time we had a national conversation about Flatulence. We need to get past all the Beans and recognize that we are our own best hope for overcoming Cabbage. We need Beano, not Broccoli. Beano are our Bliss. And we need to have change in Flatulence.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com
By jen
I am a big fan of mp3fiesta. They have gobs of music cheap. Twenty cent songs 2 dollar cds. Pretty good deal. Just have to load it with like 20 bucks and start downloading. Click here if you haven’t visited.
Plus if you decide to buy it gives me free downloads if you follow that link.
Today’s Downloads: Artist – Album (if available)- Song
- Puscifer – V Is For Vagina – Queen B
- Chevelle – This Type of Thinking Can Do Us in – Breach Birth
- Muse-Map of the Problematique
- Staind – Chapter V – Falling
- Perfect Circle – Underworld OST – Judith
- Stone Temple Pilots – Core – Wicked Garden
- Nine Inch Nails – Closer to God – Closer
- Unk – Stomp the Yard – Walk It Out
- E-40 (feat. The Federation) – Stomp the Yard – Go Hard or Go Home
- Alice in Chains – Dirt – Down In A Hole
- Tool – 10,000 Days – entire cd
I am taking suggestions so if you have any shoot me an email or leave a comment.
By jen
Plebian,
Be gentle with my city… If you need back up, give me a call. I have a way with people… seriously.
Jen
Breakfast With The Stars…
By jen
I was going to try and work this into a real blog post, but I am so freakin’ without inspiration of late that I figured I would just make a list. These are are gems and I simply have to post and share… I owe it to the world.
In random order because I love them all…
UPDATE:
Muffin Top: The effect one sees when a woman is wearing jeans too tight at the hip causing that little overlap of fleshy roll to form. Generally she is wearing a t-shirt too tight and not long enough. I am sure there is a muffin top fetish out there somewhere.
Hope is failure postponed: I think that is the proper wording, I am sure I will be corrected if not. Whatever it is, I want it printed on a T-shirt and a coffee mug ASAP.
Sex-fu: I am told this is a mandatory skill for guys who are not Brad Pit types.
Blow-fu: This is apparently the explanation of how Juliette Lewis ended up engaged to Brad Pitt.
and finally we need to all remember to us the term Barbed Cock of Satan as much as possible in this election cycle. Hell, not just in reference to politics either! Think of all the many applications for this fantastical phrase….
Example 1:
“It is time for the weekly staff meeting, Jennifer.”
“I’d rather suck the barbed cock of Satan… go without me.”
Example 2:
Coworker with a cold: I have a sore throat and feel like shit!
Smartass Coworker without a cold: That’s what you get for sucking the barbed cock of Satan!
Example 3:
Drive Thru Attendent: Would you like a hot lemon pie with your chocolate shake?
Customer: Would you like to suck the barbed cock of Satan?
The options are limitless…
